Am I as messed up as i think? (whole story)

[theshycrier]

okay, so im just going to say everything then tell my problems. so i am 14 and my mother has type one diabetes  and ever since i was very young my mother would go into shock (because she wouldn't take care of herself), which involves bad shaking, alot of sweating and jerking around, and all the while being completly unresponsive. i remember this happening to my mother maybe every month or so, sometimes a few times a month, and i remember it happening at night and my father would get up and get her a coke or something and she would fight him and it would end with alot of swearing and screaming. my fathers job includes working out of town sometimes and he started doing this more when i was older, maybe 3-5 years old, and it would usually always happen at least once when he was gone. we live out in the country and so i would be awakened by these sounds she makes, kinda groans, i guess and so i would have to help her. i would get a coke or something and beg her to drink it or whatever to the point of tears and she wouldn't even look at me, like she didn't see anything or maybe she saw stuff that wasn't there. anyway this scared me alot when i was little; and usually it would end up with me calling my grandparents, who lived about 10 min away, and by then if they wern't able to help, an ambulance was called. as i grew up i started dislikeing her and i would get so afraid that when me and my sister got off the bus at home we would find her on the floor shaking like a leaf. it terrified me to the point where in grade two i asked my teacher if she could phone home just to make sure she was okay (not that i cared about her that much, but just so i wouldn't have to deal with it). it was around this age when i started really hating her. (when we called, she was angry about it
and i got in trouble for questioning her parenting)

other than a bit of anxsity, i think i was still okay back then, other than the fact that every now and then, maybe a few times a year, when i was breathing i would have a very sharp pain in my rips i guess, really close to my heart and it would last for a few seconds, 10 maybe. it would hurt to the point where i would stop breathing, if i could, because it hurt. i think i thought that it wasn't okay, but i guess i still thought it was normal enough. (this coming from the kid who wasn't sure if breakfast and lunch were real or only TV up until kindergarden).

up until 2007 my father was the only one with a job and my mother would sleep until 3:00 or 4 O'clock pm, and would pretty much ignor me and my sister. i don't remember much of this time but i do remember that we would go in and try and get her up and my sister would cry and everything but she wouldn't do anything but yell at us to let her sleep. we got nothing to eat all day until our father came back home at 4:30pm. by then my mother was up and watching tv by then, so i don't think he knew how bad it was.

only when i started school did i start eating lunch, until then i wasn't sure if it was a real thing. also; as long as i can remember, my younger sister has always been my mother's favorite. she would bring food to my sister and just do everything for her while i was told to do it myself, then she would get mad when i did it wrong. now once i realized that she was my mother's favorite i remember trying to get my mother mad, by throwing things and making a mess and pushing my sister around, who is 3 years younger then i am. she would get mad at me and scream at me and i would cry because she would scream at me, but i kept doing it i think because it really was the only time she noticed me, unless she was mad about something i was the one to blame it on.

according to my friends, (i didn't think so at the time), i was the biggest b*tch in elamentarty school. one of my friends, she was always being made fun of and would do what anyone said, i bossed her around a lot,  treated her just like my mother kinda treated me, but i made her be my butler, bringing me my shoes and alot of stuff. i hate talking about that part of my life because im ashamed of how i treated her.


now, medical wise, i think i have a heart problem. i think i have tachy... something or other, where your heart goes faster than it should while doing physical activity and stuff, but it doesn't just happen when im being active, it also happens when in sitting down or something. also, when i get up or sit up i get very dizzy and start to black out, i never fully have but things get very blurry. i usually try to walk through it because it only lasted 30 seconds or so. when my heart is going fast, if its bad then my left shoulder will hurt, sometimes very very badly. (the worst time this happened was on a school trip- and we were going to a dinner to eat so i wasn't that excited) this heart going fast thing and left shoulder started somewhere in the last 2 years and the dizzyness thing started sometime before that, but not too long ago.

i am also a little bulimic, being i will binge on alot of food then attempt to starve myself, which i can do up to a day. the thing is, my spoiled sister gets a lot of junk food so there are always chips and chocolate around my house so there are just so many temptations :'(  i think i am a little fat, i am 100 pounds and i would like to be 98, at the most. in most cases of bulimia, the person will exesivly exersice, but because of my heart i cannot. i am also very depressed and i cut myself. i started this in the beginning of grade 8, so last year. i would use a paper clip and go back and forst vertically on the side of my for arm, although my first cuts were with the dull jagged side of the broken pin which i made about 20 or so cuts all in about a inch and a half up a little lower then my shoulder. now i cut from my elbo to my wrist and i do cut over cuts. i do do it for pain but sometimes, if there fading i'll do it just to look at it. i think i have PTSD (complex), the only event i can thing of being my mother's episodes. (who i now hate a great deal)

i also think i may have some sort of split personality disorder because i will be doing one thing, then i will find myself doing something compleatly different a few hours later. also, i will do stuff, then later it will be different. that sounds kinda confusing so an example is today, in my wallet i have a change spot which i never use, i just throw my change in the bottom of my purse and fish it out later. anyway, today i came home and there was a few bucks in there in loonies and toonies and some other coins. i was really confused cos that was about the amount i remember throwing in my purse but when i fished around in the bottom of my purse i found that change too. no one could have switched it up or anything, not that anyone would. am i crazy??? if u have any ideas i'd love to hear them =D

[theshycrier]

the only ones i confind to are my friends. i can't think of anyone i would tell who would try to help.

[nursegirl6572]

It doesn't really matter why you're Mom is the way she is...you have to worry about YOU and getting the help you need.

Can you think of an adult you would feel comfortable confiding in and asking for help?

[theshycrier]

i only have one sister, i am the oldest and my father is still here, although sometimes i wish they were divorced so i could live with him instead. he knows i don't like her at all but he says he can't understand why. i would have told my mother, but she gets very angry very easily and she might have said i was faking or im trying to get attention.

in grade 7 one of my friends (she also has issues of her own) wanted to see a counselor in grade 8 because the one in grade 8 seemed very nice compared to the older, cranky ones in the school. she asked me to go with her saying we could talk about our problems and get help, but in grade 8 that counselor wasn't there so we didn't go.

thanks for understanding, one of my friends thinks that since my mother claimes that she was treated badly by her mother, that it isn't her fault for being a bad parent. i think that may be a small part.

[dominosarah]

I wish i could come right thru this computer screen and hug you.  You so dont deserve the roll you have been put in nor do you deserve the treatment you receive from your mom.  This is not your fault.  Is there someone you can talk to?  Maybe a school counselor or the nurse?  You need to tell someone what is going on.  There is help out there for you and it is okay to ask for help.  Harming yourself wont take away the pain.  Talking to someone will help the pain you feel inside.  Deep down you love your mom, its just her behavior you dont like and that i understand.  You dont have to live like this anymore, please reach out and find someone you can talk to.  You deserve to be happy and be a teenager.  We are all here for you so please keep talking with us.  Hugs to you sweetheart~~~sara

[theshycrier]

i have not seen a doctor for any of this