Please help...dont know what to do next

[brokenangel36]

I am in such a deep, dark rut and i have no idea of how to pull myself out of it.

I start my day by waking with barely the energy to sit upright, feeling so weak and feeble.  As i pull myself up and sit on the edge of my bed this overwhelming sense of dread and despair fills me and i just want to cry my heart out, for it’s another day i have to contend with and struggle through and put a brave face on for.

I have been diagnosed with Agoraphobia, panic disorder, GAD, social phobia, OCD and depression.  I have a CPN, psychiatrist and have had extensive therapy but even still I’m sinking further and further into this rut and things continue to get worse.  My shrink recently put me on a low dose anti-psychotic for my anxiety and I’ve been on a beta blocker for years.  I’ve tried nearly every anti-depressant going but my body suffers terrible, disabling side effects so they are not an option.  The only thing i take that seems to work is benzo’s but my doc’s won’t prescribe them freely and to get them is like pulling teeth, for reasons we all know.... but this seems to be like a really cruel joke being played on me and stopping me from getting well.

I have tried herbal relaxants and herbal anti-depressants but to no avail.  My only option seems to be meditation but for the level of anxiety i suffer even this is not enough.  I would love to try reflexology or acupuncture but i can’t afford it and they don’t provide it on the NHS. I have also had many tests to see if there is a medical reason for why i am like i am and all seems within normal limits.

I’ve tried to change all the stressful aspects of my life, like ending troublesome or destructive relationships, including my parents and a lot of family and sorted out money issues to help control stress levels, but it seems i have so much intense baggage that even now with my life being calm and peaceful i am a total nervous wreak, with the slightest stress being turned into a mountain.

I have below zero confidence or self-esteem, don’t trust myself to make good decisions on people or my body to keep me safe in almost any situation through fear of losing control or not being able to run and hide.  Please do not tell me that i won’t lose control because i have and ended up peeing in my jeans out in public and drawing attention to myself through a big public display.  The most terrifying, embarrassing and confidence crushing experience ever and all in a bid to control it when in CBT.

Now i look in the mirror and see an ugly, over weight slob who has no future to look forward to, nothing to offer anyone, lonely pathetic fool with no back bone what so ever and is even scared of my own shadow (literally).  I can’t even walk to the end of my road and the friends i did keep are getting so tired of me and my illness, backing out of meeting up all the time as i feel so ill all the time.  I don’t find enjoyment in most things i use to and i feel like I’m in a one man prison, all alone!

SO please i just don’t know what else i can do to get myself back into the real world and start feeling better again.  What on earth can i do?  Anything from anybody will be much appreciated.  Thank-you for your time and reading this.

[Bubulous]

Thank you for your support and welcome to Medhelp.  I would only adivse that the thread you have found and posted on is 5 years old and the original poster is likely not here anymore but there are plenty more that need support if you stick around.

[Tookeytaylor]

My thoughts are with you. I always use the excuse that I prefer my own company. Sound right ? I have been betrayed by literally everyone I've trusted and I don't belong on the list. It is easy. When there are responsibilities outside yourself but after they grow up or ....you know the drill, the question becomes "what makes me happy?" I don't know if I'll ever truthfully answer that because I have never known. My stock answer was taking care of and making sure everyone has what they need and are happy.  Still working on that. The biggest hurdle for me was to understand or at least acknowledge that I deserved to be treated with the same standards I set for the way I treated others. Wow where do I go from here?  The biggie is to say both to yourself and the person you are communicating with " This choice has nothing to do with you, I am just creating boundaries in my life that make me feel comfortable" no quilt trips no response as it belongs only to and with you. Wish them the best. Remind them that some things don't belong with you and maybe the responsibility lies elsewhere and get dressed up, go to your favorite restaurant and get a cup of tea. Last but not least before I get off my soapbox, I have never belonged to an organized religion and bible thumping doesn't work for me but giving thanks and focusing on all the little things to be grateful for can give perspective. Check out the Mormans. They are good supportive nonjudgementale people whose philosophy is to care for everyone. You don't have to be a card carrying member but they will do things like come around like at least every week just to ask if you need anything and have a visit if you want. This is with prearranged times. They don't just show up unless they see you regularly and can't reach you. They don't offer lessons excetra unless you ask and they are nice positive happy people to be around. Just somewhere I've found comfort. If that's not the place for you maybe  there is somewhere else that helps take you out of your head. Spirituality works where ever you find it. My thoughts are with you.

Quick memory. I've had a blue year and when at my lowest I saw very clearly and closely a double rainbow. First in my life. Blown away I floated on that memory and shifted gears. Things were tough and a month later...…no kidding I saw another one. There are some pretty cool things to experience if we look and pay attention . good luck and chin up. Tomorrow will bring new hope on the wind. Open your soul and catch it. How fortunate we will be to have you aboard !!!

[bobmaster]

I forgot to add that GABA is the chemical that benzo's increase, so if benzo's help you then your problem may actually be low GABA. Check that website I typed above with the list of symptoms and see whether your symptoms correspond more with low GABA or low dopamine.

As I said, the best ways to increase GABA is with Valerian Root, Kava or Picamilon (look them up online for info).

[bobmaster]

The three main neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) involved in depression and anxiety are serotonin, dopamine and GABA. If you go to this page, it gives you a list of the symptoms that you will get if you are low in any of these chemicals:
http://www.nutritional-healing.com.au/content/articles-content.php?heading=Neurotransmitter%20Deficiency%20and%20Excess%20Symptoms

Serotonin is the relaxing, feel-good chemical, whereas dopamine is the stimulating, motivating chemical. GABA is the anti-anxiety chemical.

Serotonin and dopamine both need to be in balance, raising either one of these by itself will cause levels of the other one to drop. If your problem is actually low dopamine and you have enough serotonin already, then that might explain why SSRI's and 5-HTP did not help you, as they would increase only serotonin.

SNRI's raise serotonin and dopamine. You'd have to be careful taking a SNRI with a beta-blocker though and there is a chance it may cause anxiety because it is stimulating.

You could maybe balance this out with something like Valerian Root or Kava (herbal remedies) to help the anxiety (these raise GABA levels).

[brokenangel36]

Hey, i have tried all classes of anti-d's apart form MAOI's.  I have treid nearly. if not all of the SSRI's and a couple from each other type of class.  They all cause me the same or very slimilar side effect which leaves me disabled and in severe pain, so i just can't take them.  I have also tried SJWort and 5-HTP + loads of other herbal remedies to ease the anxiety but nothing seems to make a real dent or they cause me allergic reactions.  The SJWort gave me the exact same side effect as all the other medical anti-depressants + a nasty skin rash.

The anti-psychotic is taken in a very low dose, for actual psychosis the starting dose is 2mg increased to 4mg but for anxiety (as i have) i take 0.5mg as needed.  I have been known to take it everyday for a couple of weeks then trail off of it, i do get some side effects from stopping it but quickly these stop.

So tell me what kind of medication actually increases dopamine and what action does dopamine play in the brain anyway???

Thanks for your time.

[PassionFlower09]

HI brokenangel36,

I am glad you purchased the book. I think you will find it interesting. It is a different approach to a common issue among many people.   It has really given me a lot to consider.  And worse case scenario,  if it doesn't work the way I want it to  (which I doubt will happen), I will be in better shape.

All the best,

PassionFlower09

[bobmaster]

Maybe your problem is low dopamine? SSRI antidepressants raise serotonin (which lowers dopamine) and anti-psychotics also lower dopamine. And one of the big symptoms of low dopamine is low energy. What antidepressants (herbal or medical) have you tried?

[brokenangel36]

Just thought i'd let ya know i went online and bought the book along with a couple of others.  Had a look at some of the content and liked the idea of TLC, so i will have a really good read once i get it.  So thank-you!

[brokenangel36]

Thank-you.... i will search the internet and have a look to see if i can find that book and order it.  I agree with you medicines anit always the answer, but they sure can help if you can take them.  

[brokenangel36]

Hi, i think MAOI's are the only ones i haven't tried, all the rest even on a very low dose such as 2.5mg of Paxil in liquid form sets of a very bad reaction within my body after 3 days of taking it. Other AD's on very low doses do the same such as tricyclic's, like 1/4 of a tablet. It seems the more i try to take them the lower my tolerance becomes.

I dont think i could even think about ECT, it seems a rather barbaric treatment to have.  Members of my family have had that and not come through it in a good way, although this was in the day when ECT was all the rage.  I don't know how they do it nowadays, do they still do it?

My CPN has offered to send me to a crisis unit but thinks a hospital stay isnt the best place for me to be.  The crisis unit though when i did offer to go was full and it never got asked about again, this was several months ago now, although i'm not sure how going there will pull me out of this as i can only imagine it causing my anxiety to worsen being in a strange place, having to adhere to orders and appointments and not feeling like im in control.  Although maybe if things dont change i may have to take this offer up again.

[MMahon]

Have you tried the MAOI class of antidepressants?  Have you considered ECT treatments?
Have you tried the tricyclic antidepressants?  
I believe an antidepressant is what you need and think there has to be one out there for you.
Side effects ususally subside in a week or two.  But I understand some people simply can't deal with them.  Sometimes starting on them on extremely low dosage and going up extremely slowly is the key to getting over the side effects more easily.  But only you and your doctor can be the best judge of this.
Have your doctors ever considered inpatient hospital stay?  Getting out of your enviornment is sometimes a great help to recovery and getting back on the right track.  Your medicatons and responses can be more closely monitored.  
Hope this helps.