Parenting

[Haven62]

One of my grown children is married w/4 kids. Both have good jobs, a beautiful home OUTSIDE and like to make their kids happy ???? I don't understand them at all. They will not respond to me since January when I blew up about the house they moved from. They have moved 3 times and each house is a good house but they destroy it--squallor. They love their pets? don't know if they still have the St Bern. but last house I saw it was beyond filth. I was literally sick. Picked up laundry w/dog feces, feces jin bedrooms. 2 bedrms were screwed shut. They just all slept in the living room. Frig was disgusting. pizza boxes, dirty dishes, I can't begin to tell you. One of the girls who is 11 is insulin dependent. For a while, they were good, took classes (had it at 3). Watched food. Last time, they were letting her eat & then fixing w/insulin amount. I blew up, threatened them. They were so happy to have this house & it be clean, I thought they would do well. I just learned (half hr ago) that it is worse than the one before now. (you can't tell from the outside). I do not know what to do. I am worried sick. I called CPS yrs ago when the mess was small. I am not allowed in the house. I want to go there & check but I don't know what they will do. One has a temper regarding me and oldest teen has had some serious depression issues. I don't know what he will do if I call someone. What do I do??????> Help!

[Zoelula]

Yes, drugs or alcohol was the first thing that came to my mind when you described the situation. But you mention a gambling problem, and that can be just as bad. You are doing what you believe is right so hang in there. They will either take this as a push to change their lives or they won't. I would think if they are removed, whether temporarily or permanent that CPS would be able to arrange for you to visit. Hang in there.

[Haven62]

Thank you for your help in the matter. I just keep trying to understand how they both could allow this to go on. They don't use drugs...and I thought that is what I would have to worry about when my kids grew up..drugs or alcohol. This is something I never expected. I gave them 10 days. She has called her sister to have her ask me, what happens after 10 days. They don't get it. So, this Saturday will be 10 days and as it draws closer, I am feeling the weight of it compound. I am praying they were "scared" enough that they will make drastic changes. It is also hard knowing I may never see these kids again. That seems a small price to pay for their well being but it nearly took my own life once so this is not a simple thing. Thank you for really listening and feeling the situation. It IS hard. If only it were just labor pains. Still, good may come from it. Where is my faith? God could well be working this out in this way. I will trust Him. God bless and thanks again.

[Zoelula]

Yes, it does sound like it has escalated to a serious point. I can only imagine how you must feel to watch all this helplessly. That's good that at least when your granddaughter with diabetes is at school they monitor and encourage her there. She is growing up way too fast I'm sure. Sometimes it seems like the worst thing in the world if Children's Services steps in, but I used to consult with them in my own job and their primary goal is to keep families together by improving the situation. But if that is not possible, or the parents don't comply then placing them elsewhere while seeming catastrophic helps them get the attention they deserve in life. I understand this affecting you emotionally. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself by seeing a counselor. This is very hard on you. Just know it is in no way your fault!

[Haven62]

Too late. I went there last night to deliver bday present to oldest(teen). He wasn't there but kids would not let me in house. They block the door. This is what they do when the house gets seriously unhealthy. This is an old story getting worse. I used to do all the stuff, then less. The kids know I care but they're told not to let me in or anyone else for that matter. You may visit in the yard. I gave them 10 days to get things corrected. I am terrified. I have no doubt whatsoever if someone came to that house, they would lose the kids that day. I don't want that for those kiids or them. I have been praying for them for a long time. It is escalating. And I believe there is a gambling addiction with one of the parents. I am seeing a counselor today. When it gets like this, I cry alot and cannot sleep. Thanks for your post. I was there for a long time doing stuff to help un til it got where I could not. His father no longer speaks to him or sees them for the same issue several yrs ago. I said "parenting" because they don't seem to want to be the responsible party. My other two are not like this at all. I don't get it. We shall see what 10 days brings.They don't abuse the kids. They get hugs and kisses etc. but neither one has any interest in doing any housework, food preparing (little caesars and mc donalds). School is starting again soon. I worry less then because she is monitored at school and they jumped on them about her sugar last yr. But they could get some serious illness here.

[Zoelula]

Your post is only secondarily regarding diabetes, and that's the part I'm going to address here.  though I do feel for your situation. Unfortunately, it is really hard to influence grown children, no matter how much they may need it. The 11 year old who is insulin dependent probably knows more about managing her own diabetes than her irresponsible parents. On the other hand they still do have significant control over when she gets needed supplies, what food is offered and whether she is encouraged to take consistent care of her diabetes. My suggestion is to spend some time with her and see if she is doing ok. It is said that children growing up in dysfunctional homes do ok if there is at least one outside person is a positive influence. You can be this person to the extent the parents will allow you. Do educate yourself a bit on care for type 1 diabetes and let the girl know that you want her to be healthy and positive even if her household isn't. I would avoid bad rapping her parents because that places her in an uncomfortable position. But instead be a positive and caring influence which will help counteract her unfortunate situation at home. At the very least you can make sure she has healthy foods and the diabetes supplies she needs.