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35 and broken up with my girlfriend

I am 35 and just broke up with my 30 yo girlfriend of 5 years. She cheated on me behind my back, and after much suspicion I confronted her about it. I was angry for a brief time, but since we had started out as good friends, I found myself aroused by stories of her dating life. We are closer than ever but not an item.  She continues to share information about this with me.
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134578 tn?1614729226
If you find it exciting, there is probably not a major amount of psychological harm to you in hearing stories of her intimate life.  But I'd guess her boyfriend doesn't know she is telling you stories about their private sexual lives.  Perhaps, both for the sake of moving on with your own life and also for the sake of offering a fellow human being privacy in his intimate life, you should not be indulging in this kind of voyeuristic discussion.  It's none of your business even if you used to be with the woman who is telling you the stories.  It's not even hers alone to share, she has to think of the person who also has a privacy right to those stories.  (Does this ever make you wonder what she shared with anyone else about your sex life back when you two were an item?  Or wouldn't it have bothered you?)  Anyway, we used to say "sisterhood is powerful" back in the day, when talking about why we wouldn't have poached each other's boyfriends.  I'd offer the suggestion that the same thing applies, "brotherhood is powerful," and to refuse to let her indulge in this.  She might not think there is any harm in it, but in a way it is a betrayal of the privacy of her present relationship.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ya know, I think this will wear out fast and wouldn't do this to yourself.  Make a clean break.  good luck
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Avatar universal
I don't recall saying she was in a relationship... only that she is dating a lot. As for the privacy of the men she goes out with, whatever became of the argument that guys talk? And I can't count the number of times I've heard women say they 'had someone over' on any given night?
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Honestly, I'm not a voyeur.  And this sounds a little like that.  It's just prolonging you from getting into a solid relationship with a quality person who won't cheat on you.  

No, my girlfriends don't talk about details of sleeping with men.  That is pretty private.  And the fact that it is turning you on is odd to me.  She was your girlfriend who was disloyal to you and cheated on you.  I'd personally not find her sex stories sexy or fun to hear about.  

So, I'd move on.  
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1029273 tn?1472231494
What you've described is not uncommon. It does sound like you still have lingering feelings for her, at least sexually anyway. Obviously she is very comfortable with you, and you w/her. It's nice that you have remained friends, but I'm sure you realize by now that the lines between friends & lovers can become blurred ~ this is evident from the history you two have. So, just be prepared for possible future complications in your relationship w/her if you begin to get emotionally attached again.
Good Luck
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Avatar universal
Actually, I don't have romantic feelings for her anymore... in fact, I myself date often and satisfactorily. Indeed, Mary Ann told me on several occasions that she is happy that I wasn't a 'clinger' about the whole thing. Before she met me she straight up ditched a guy one time (no cheating), and she says it gave her an uncomfortable sense of empowerment. With me there was no guilt, and she is happy to get a man's perspective on what is indeed, a you put it, a 'voyeuristic' experience. Also note that CLEMENT4NOW above says it's not an uncommon situation.  
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1029273 tn?1472231494

I do think that AnnieBrooke and specialmom are trying to offer you sage advice, as well as trying to be helpful to your situation. They make some very good points...
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134578 tn?1614729226
The important point is that sharing with your ex on an intimate level, besides being a bit prurient and unfair to the men, will keep any new woman you meet from having any breathing room, or a real role in your life.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
You just don't want to slip into the area of creepy where you are getting off on your ex's escapades.  And she may as well.  And all of this prevents you from a relationship that is real in your life.  As soon as she meets a man she loves, you'll be history.  That's the way it works.  Right now she is in limbo and this is 'fun'.  soon enough she'll fall in love and won't express details and because she has and this blurred line has been there, she'll cut all ties.  THAT does happen.

But whatever.  It really is your life.  I'm not sure if you are asking a question here,  are you?
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Avatar universal
Question? Yes, I think so.

I have no problem if Mary Ann falls in love with someone. I will probably attend her wedding.

This is a learning experience for both of us. She had, as I said, a really creepy guy in her past who did not handle even a simple breakup well.  I am not only not threatened by her dating life, but she can freely express the qualities she looks for in guys.

Our culture tends to vilify women for applying what are often considered 'shallow' standards. She has dated men who were conventionally 'attractive', as well as those who were financially successful. Some of them have been both. All treated her well, but she is still looking. With me, she is able to communicate in confidence her reasons for allowing her clothes to be removed by any given man, which I do find sexy. She is not averse to sleeping with me again, but I choose to forego that route in order to support her in whatever choice she DOES make for marriage.
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Avatar universal
Sorry, I guess my question is... do you really think this is all that unhealthy a route to take, particularly since she and I engage in it with mutual consideration?
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134578 tn?1614729226
Upandrunning, staying in Kinkytown is not going to open the door to Fresh Start Land.  You might prefer Kinkytown now or forever, a lot of people have strange sex lives.  Your call.
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Avatar universal
I guess what I'm not understanding here is the throwback to more Puritanical attitudes. Women have fought for the right to freely engage in birth control and have sex with men they do not intend to marry. I support both of those actions. If I am now a citizen of Kinkytown for conversing with a dear friend about something that just happens to turn me on, then so be it.

What I fear is the day when a man first hears about his wife's sexual past and says she is 'strange' for not having married all of her previous partners.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Answer to your question.  Yes, I think it is not a wise road to take and if she were to write us, I'd tell her that she is selling herself short to conduct herself this way.  

And if any mate of hers finds out she is turning you on with her sex talk about HIM, he'll have her cut the ties.  make no doubt about it.  good luck
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Avatar universal
I find it odd that out of the three of us--you, me and Mary Ann-- you're the only one who judges her behavior negatively. I assume you waited until you were married to engage in ANY sexual behavior with your husband. Otherwise, you are no different than she is.

And I'm not sure what everyone's concern is with the mindset of the guys she is dating. Just as she is open with me, she is with them. If you and these others want to take us back to the 50's, when women were run out of town on a rail for even TALKING about sex, then have at it.

I will ask you this, though. Is all this hoopla because she stopped seeing me romantically and not only did I not give a ****, but actually cheered her on?
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134578 tn?1614729226
It is because what you describe seems very emotionally disconnected compared to how people run their love lives (in the 2015s.)  

You say you are indifferent to the fact she is not seeing you romantically (well, actually, you said you did "not give a ****"); does that mean that by the time you were done dating, you were glad she was gone?  But you are still in a sexualized relationship with her, and are saying this is all fine because the two of you are very close friends.  

Even in 2015, people do want to end up falling in love, finding a caring partner, possibly reaching for a life commitment and children.  If you want that to happen, you're shutting the door to it by keeping a quasi-sexual relationship going with your close friend with whom you broke up.

Again, as I said before, if you like it and she likes it, especially if you don't want anything else, well, it's your call.  It is just different than the way many people would manage their sex lives.
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Avatar universal
Where did I say I was looking for a caring partner or to have children? And I did not break up with her. She simply entered into non-committal relationships without my knowledge, and THAT is what I didn't give a **** about.  What Mary Ann and I both agree on is that men need not end up pining away for women simply because they get cheated on. You say this is 2015. That attitude is more like Elizabethan.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Nope, I got married in my 30's.  Not a virgin.  But a grown up.  And I married a man, also a grown up.  And I find sharing those details to be kind of something someone very young would do.  Because when you are serious with a partner, you think of what you have with them as special and wouldn't use it to turn another outsider (which is what you are in that case) on.  You guys just sound very surface level in terms of your connections with people.  And sadly, women that sleep around a lot do tend to have had issues with their dads, emotional issues, and often feel really bad about themselves eventually.  I have seen that play out.  

I don't think anyone here thinks too much one way or the other about what you and she chooses to do.  It's really your business. And just your business.  I'm not judging.  You just came to a forum and posted this and I still don't really get why.    

It won't go on for much longer, this type of relationship with her.  It's novel to her now.  But once she is serous with a guy, she'll stop sharing details with you.  And any serious girlfriend you have will not appreciate this either.  So enjoy it while it lasts I guess.  

Agree with anniebrooke.  this is your call.  There isn't much more to say.  You're very happy currently so live your live as you please!  good luck
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Avatar universal
The point remains... if you were not a virgin when you got married, then you are no different on a moral plane than Mary Ann or I. The reasons I posted are twofold. One, I wanted to emphasize that I do not, nor should any man, care if a woman ditches us. Even she agrees that the numeric advantage in this world goes to guys. Secondly, and we have had this verified several times, women and men tend to envy us -- her for having a supportive friend who is openly sexual but in no way possessive, me for enjoying a woman who does not try to throw the modern world back into the Dark Ages.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
good luck upandrunning.  
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