Aa
Advice - living in basement
Hi, I've read a lot of threads and the advice is helpful. I figured I'd try a go.
For eleven years we've been married and we have two children 11 and 5. I love my wife. I love my family. Our kids are tough right now. They fight a lot. Working on that too... proactive parenting. Work in progress...
About three months ago my wife asked for a separation. She was tired of me being 'checked out.' I refused, and begged for a chance and went to our basement and have been living there ever since. I told her that I had the wrong priorities and I'll focus on the house instead of work. I don't agree with the assessment, but how does one argue with it... so I went.
I try to check in with her, am I doing ok? How's it going, but often it appears I can't make progress. It's like when I ask, she digs out everything I did wrong over the past year.
To explain more... I'm proud of my careerl. Make enough to put us in the top 3% (not 1%!), but more importantly I like my job and my work/life balance. I make sure I am home at 5 to spend time with the kids. Somedays it would be 5.15... and the rare day I'd stay late. I make the kids their lunches, except now our oldest makes his own lunch. I clean the kitchen each day. And four days of the week I take my kids to school. I also share in making dinner.
What I didn't do was plan the vacations. Or schedule the summer camps. I just never thought of that. I thought I was doing my share as a partner.
Except... once every other week, I'd miss a dish or once a week I wouldn't clean the kitchen. And it was like the world was ending. How awful I am. That I couldn't even get home on time. That our son could clean the dishes better. That she was tired of taking care of 3 children.
That I need to learn to live on my own.
But when she's happy, she's amazing. It's worth the grief. Except now I'm in the basement. She wants me to learn to live alone. This morning it was how can a grown man not have a laundry basket. And that is why she doesn't want to be with me. I usually get defensive... but lately advice has told me to say, "I can see how you might feel that way, but I don't need one..."
Anyhow, I love my kids. I love her. But I don't see an end in sight. She says she wants space... so should I give her space? Move out? When do I see the kids I love? I'd like to think that once I did, she'd notice everything I did... but it seems so childish.
We're seeing a therapist... but it's irregular. I called and asked to see one regulary. But in the mean time... should I stay in the basement? Should I get a one bedroom apt nearby and ask to come to dinner on Fridays and spend the weekend there? It pains me so much to think of that.
I can't imagine going the full swing... selling the house... getting 2 3 bedroom apts. Maybe I'm naïve but I holdout hope.
I'm just trying so hard to keep us together. When I asked her if she's trying... her answer was, "you're still here, aren't you?"
any advice?
For eleven years we've been married and we have two children 11 and 5. I love my wife. I love my family. Our kids are tough right now. They fight a lot. Working on that too... proactive parenting. Work in progress...
About three months ago my wife asked for a separation. She was tired of me being 'checked out.' I refused, and begged for a chance and went to our basement and have been living there ever since. I told her that I had the wrong priorities and I'll focus on the house instead of work. I don't agree with the assessment, but how does one argue with it... so I went.
I try to check in with her, am I doing ok? How's it going, but often it appears I can't make progress. It's like when I ask, she digs out everything I did wrong over the past year.
To explain more... I'm proud of my careerl. Make enough to put us in the top 3% (not 1%!), but more importantly I like my job and my work/life balance. I make sure I am home at 5 to spend time with the kids. Somedays it would be 5.15... and the rare day I'd stay late. I make the kids their lunches, except now our oldest makes his own lunch. I clean the kitchen each day. And four days of the week I take my kids to school. I also share in making dinner.
What I didn't do was plan the vacations. Or schedule the summer camps. I just never thought of that. I thought I was doing my share as a partner.
Except... once every other week, I'd miss a dish or once a week I wouldn't clean the kitchen. And it was like the world was ending. How awful I am. That I couldn't even get home on time. That our son could clean the dishes better. That she was tired of taking care of 3 children.
That I need to learn to live on my own.
But when she's happy, she's amazing. It's worth the grief. Except now I'm in the basement. She wants me to learn to live alone. This morning it was how can a grown man not have a laundry basket. And that is why she doesn't want to be with me. I usually get defensive... but lately advice has told me to say, "I can see how you might feel that way, but I don't need one..."
Anyhow, I love my kids. I love her. But I don't see an end in sight. She says she wants space... so should I give her space? Move out? When do I see the kids I love? I'd like to think that once I did, she'd notice everything I did... but it seems so childish.
We're seeing a therapist... but it's irregular. I called and asked to see one regulary. But in the mean time... should I stay in the basement? Should I get a one bedroom apt nearby and ask to come to dinner on Fridays and spend the weekend there? It pains me so much to think of that.
I can't imagine going the full swing... selling the house... getting 2 3 bedroom apts. Maybe I'm naïve but I holdout hope.
I'm just trying so hard to keep us together. When I asked her if she's trying... her answer was, "you're still here, aren't you?"
any advice?
We are almost in the same position! (I just posted). Except I was the one in the basement. I eventually moved out and got a 3 bed apartment. I started seeing someone and for better or worse, fell in love. Now I'm in a very tough bind and don't know what to do. I would say if you are still there, don't leave. Work on the marriage. If either of you bail, you will have a harder time reconciling and your children will have lots of questions.
I sit here in mexico 4 years later and I believe I’m a different person.
I remember the exact moment when I realized my wife was emotionally abusing me. I was in the bathroom at my niece’s bat mitzvah. There was a pamphlet on the wall. Are you being emotionally abused? And each statement described my life.
I’ve been in therapy for 4 years now. We did divorce. My therapy helped me realize I had to move out. After a year of trying to keep us together I asked for the divorce.
Since then ive dates a few wonderful women. I’ve learned that making a mistake doesn’t make me a loser. That if I screw up a reservation we can roll with the punches and still have a great night.
In essence I’ve learned what a real relationship can be. And it’s wonderful. We talk when we have issues and we forgive each other.
My ex threatens to take the kids away on a weekly basis. We have 50/50 custody. But I’ve also learned that this is who she id and won’t change (though I wish she would!!)
I once just wanted to be a family and would do whatever it took. But now I realize for my children I need to show them what a real relation can look like. I didn’t have that and look what happens to me.
The advice here was great. And honestly a lot of people tried to tell me about my ex but I had to learn about her and more important myself before I could move on.
Thank you everyone!
I remember the exact moment when I realized my wife was emotionally abusing me. I was in the bathroom at my niece’s bat mitzvah. There was a pamphlet on the wall. Are you being emotionally abused? And each statement described my life.
I’ve been in therapy for 4 years now. We did divorce. My therapy helped me realize I had to move out. After a year of trying to keep us together I asked for the divorce.
Since then ive dates a few wonderful women. I’ve learned that making a mistake doesn’t make me a loser. That if I screw up a reservation we can roll with the punches and still have a great night.
In essence I’ve learned what a real relationship can be. And it’s wonderful. We talk when we have issues and we forgive each other.
My ex threatens to take the kids away on a weekly basis. We have 50/50 custody. But I’ve also learned that this is who she id and won’t change (though I wish she would!!)
I once just wanted to be a family and would do whatever it took. But now I realize for my children I need to show them what a real relation can look like. I didn’t have that and look what happens to me.
The advice here was great. And honestly a lot of people tried to tell me about my ex but I had to learn about her and more important myself before I could move on.
Thank you everyone!
I know this thread is almost 4 years old but was wondering how things turned out for MarriageNood. I read his post and feel like I was reading my situation. I do my best around the house. Morning drop offs. Evenings I drive kids to activities and I cook for the week and pack lunches. Yet my marriage is in the brink. Constant fights about the smallest things and reminders of things I’ve done wrong in the almost 11 years of marriage. My kids are 9 and 6. MarriageNood if you’re still around would be grateful to hear your story.
1 Comments
I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you are having a hard time. I honestly think that after we have babies, they make it through the toddler and preschool years, it can be hard. We often are so invested in the kids during that time that we kind of lose each other in the relationship. Many have to rekindle after those years and this is where you are at now. What are you fighting about?
I had this too. My husband and I were deep into parenting. And then still parenting but realized we weren't as close. It's now years after THAT (my sons are 14 and almost 13) and we are closer again. Kids complicate things and when you can't strictly focus on your spouse, it can get off track.
Would counseling be something you two would consider? Anyway, come back and talk to us!
I had this too. My husband and I were deep into parenting. And then still parenting but realized we weren't as close. It's now years after THAT (my sons are 14 and almost 13) and we are closer again. Kids complicate things and when you can't strictly focus on your spouse, it can get off track.
Would counseling be something you two would consider? Anyway, come back and talk to us!
based on what he has said only, i feel she may already be having a relationship with someone else. maybe she figures she is entitled to half of everything? i don't know, but when you love your spouse you do not make them a basement dweller. that is humiliating. like sending him to the doghouse.
i agree with life and I would get fed up. i would see a lawyer and have them advice me because it seems to be heading that way
i agree with life and I would get fed up. i would see a lawyer and have them advice me because it seems to be heading that way
COMMUNITY LEADER
PS: I just wanted to add that I'm not saying anyone else's advice here is wrong. far from it. I think everyone has valid points. My giving any advice that is different than someone else's isn't on purpose to disagree with them but really is just in hopes of helping. And again, it doesn't mean I think anyone is wrong here. It's a tough situation for sure.
True
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh, and I'm not saying his wife doesn't need to have one as well. But in truth, relationships rarely have just one person contributing to the problems-- usually both add to them in their own way and both have things to fix.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well maybe life. However, when I mention wake up call . . . I'm talking about those Ah ha moments that WE can do something different or better. I have plenty of those myself.
Mom, you mention wake up call, hes not the one that needs it but her and you know as well as i that life itself has a way of waking all us up and i truely believe its build in to the system of life and that wake up is usually from a nightmare!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well that is true that she does seem to focus on what is wrong and is degrading in her judgment of you. I do believe she sounds very angry. That's why I asked if anything else has happened that we don't know about.
I just hate for someone that says they love their partner still, they want to work on it, and they have kids together to give up without a fight. To me, it is worth it to TRY. How long someone does that depends on their own ability to cope with the situation.
Couples do sometimes get things back on track when it seems impossible at different points in their relationship. I'm an eternal optimist and always hope for that when the desire is there. But sadly, the desire here seems to only be on one side.
Perhaps this is completely over but I think for your own peace of mind, you will need to feel sure of that. I'd set a time limit for how long you'll give this and try to give it a chance to resolve.
Life, I know. My husband does love me and we have a mutual relationship. It's hard when things are one sided. I know plenty of women that feel it is one sided on their end and then when they get fed up, they express it to their husband and it is a wake up call. then husband gets his act together (and please don't think I mean that the poster isn't doing a ton and a great guy . . . I just mean that sometimes when you have a husband that is gone for work and feels that nothing at home is as valuable as work and getting ahead, the at home spouse can become resentful . . .) and works to convince the wife that they do matter. I guess it is complicated at times. My circle of friends is a mixed bag of women, some at home with kids, some working part time, some working full time but the majority with very successful husbands. Many of them have complaints about wanting their husbands to make them feel more important than they do their job. That is what I was relating to. I do think it is sad that this man is trying so hard and it is not acknowledged at all and that he is making the changes his wife requested and yet, it's still not enough.
The planning a vacation thing to me was something I read more into. You do hear people complaining that their partner is not all that interested in that social time with family. That if it happens, it is the wife who plans it and they feel like they drag the husband around (and this could go the other way too with a woman being distant and a man wanting more). I have a very good friend who is a general practitioner/doctor -- a woman. For mother's day, she asked for her husband to go to the zoo with her and her kids as a family. He has no interest in those outings as he too has a very time consuming, busy successful career. I felt so bad for her that she had to actually ask for time as a family as a gift! But that happens sometimes. Wasn't sure if this was how things were prior to the wife here getting upset. ??
Anyway, I am rambling. I certainly don't have all the answers or know myself to be right in this situation. All valid opinions and good advice from everyone. Even when it differs. Just different perspectives which is good for the poster to ultimately figure out what is best for him. I feel bad for the poster and hope it works out alright for him. lots of luck sir.
I just hate for someone that says they love their partner still, they want to work on it, and they have kids together to give up without a fight. To me, it is worth it to TRY. How long someone does that depends on their own ability to cope with the situation.
Couples do sometimes get things back on track when it seems impossible at different points in their relationship. I'm an eternal optimist and always hope for that when the desire is there. But sadly, the desire here seems to only be on one side.
Perhaps this is completely over but I think for your own peace of mind, you will need to feel sure of that. I'd set a time limit for how long you'll give this and try to give it a chance to resolve.
Life, I know. My husband does love me and we have a mutual relationship. It's hard when things are one sided. I know plenty of women that feel it is one sided on their end and then when they get fed up, they express it to their husband and it is a wake up call. then husband gets his act together (and please don't think I mean that the poster isn't doing a ton and a great guy . . . I just mean that sometimes when you have a husband that is gone for work and feels that nothing at home is as valuable as work and getting ahead, the at home spouse can become resentful . . .) and works to convince the wife that they do matter. I guess it is complicated at times. My circle of friends is a mixed bag of women, some at home with kids, some working part time, some working full time but the majority with very successful husbands. Many of them have complaints about wanting their husbands to make them feel more important than they do their job. That is what I was relating to. I do think it is sad that this man is trying so hard and it is not acknowledged at all and that he is making the changes his wife requested and yet, it's still not enough.
The planning a vacation thing to me was something I read more into. You do hear people complaining that their partner is not all that interested in that social time with family. That if it happens, it is the wife who plans it and they feel like they drag the husband around (and this could go the other way too with a woman being distant and a man wanting more). I have a very good friend who is a general practitioner/doctor -- a woman. For mother's day, she asked for her husband to go to the zoo with her and her kids as a family. He has no interest in those outings as he too has a very time consuming, busy successful career. I felt so bad for her that she had to actually ask for time as a family as a gift! But that happens sometimes. Wasn't sure if this was how things were prior to the wife here getting upset. ??
Anyway, I am rambling. I certainly don't have all the answers or know myself to be right in this situation. All valid opinions and good advice from everyone. Even when it differs. Just different perspectives which is good for the poster to ultimately figure out what is best for him. I feel bad for the poster and hope it works out alright for him. lots of luck sir.
"She wants me to learn to live alone".......If she has this attitude even with therapy on board I will say the situation doesn't sound promising. Sounds like the wife has "checked out" already in my opinion based on the comments she is making. I mean really......who fights or complains about someone not having a laundry basket? Her husband is living in the basement and having a laundry basket is more important? That's ridiculous.
I think it is more damaging to a child to see this interaction going on between parents under the same roof vs. parents living two separate lives in two separate homes.
I will agree with Life about your wife being ungrateful/unappreciative of what you do do correct/right. She seems to just focus on what you're doing wrong.
I think it is more damaging to a child to see this interaction going on between parents under the same roof vs. parents living two separate lives in two separate homes.
I will agree with Life about your wife being ungrateful/unappreciative of what you do do correct/right. She seems to just focus on what you're doing wrong.
Mom, its not luckily your husband agrees with you, your husband loves you, thats the difference here. Ok maybe shes using scare tactics to motivate him but from what i read shes in a position to move on and enjoy her life with the success he has created. She says she needs her space, what space? I sense he has not made her life 100% complete like planing the vacations, it will never be enough for her.
Marriagenood is running around like a mad man. Cooking, cleaning, preparing the kids lunch (oops i saw he forgot to make it one time, my mistake) and bringing in financial security. She being unreasonable to say the least. How do you tell someone to leave because he did not plan the vacations, Oh he did say he would add that to the list.
I know there are 2 sides to the story but the things hes mentioned here are pretty conviencing.
Marriagenood is running around like a mad man. Cooking, cleaning, preparing the kids lunch (oops i saw he forgot to make it one time, my mistake) and bringing in financial security. She being unreasonable to say the least. How do you tell someone to leave because he did not plan the vacations, Oh he did say he would add that to the list.
I know there are 2 sides to the story but the things hes mentioned here are pretty conviencing.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Life, I am not so sure about that. Here is why . . . my husband is successful and has a good income and is our family's bread winner. I gave up my career when we had kids to be at home with them. I have had discussions with him that involve his being more responsible around the house, not acting childlike at times (like my third child . . . just being honest, it feels that way sometimes . . .), making US (me and the kids) his priority over work, planning something for us, etc. None of that has to do with my self esteem or resentment for his success or my wanting his money. It's more about being partners and a team, for me, anyway.
Women have issues with husbands such as I see written here when husbands have been distracted from family life. I personally would take less monetary benefit to have my husband around more. Luckily, my husband agrees with me and does try hard to be here for us.
So, I kind of related to his wife in that regard. I hope they can work it out.
Women have issues with husbands such as I see written here when husbands have been distracted from family life. I personally would take less monetary benefit to have my husband around more. Luckily, my husband agrees with me and does try hard to be here for us.
So, I kind of related to his wife in that regard. I hope they can work it out.
Hi also, what i see here is that you have an unappreciative person in your life who is jeoulous that you have made your life successful but have not made hers. You cant do that for her only she can. You do all this an she upset because you dont plan a vacation? Give me a break. What i see happening is her wanting only your 3% upper class money. If i were you id get mad and not be as a puppy. This reminds me of the movie war of the roses. The money is the issue here with her. Talk to a lawyer on how to protect your financial interests as i can tell she has made up her mind.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hello, I'm just not sure.
I agree with dialogue. That is really the only answer. Would she see a therapist? The two of you together would be so helpful to work with a marriage counselor.
I think I'd be careful of pat answers to her complaints. If she says something like "how could you not have a laundry basket?" You could answer--- "Hm. I never thought of that. Sometimes domestic things are over my head and I am having to get used to some things. but ya know, a laundry basket might be handy!" (and then go spend 2 bucks to get one and honestly, you might find it very helpful. :) )
For now, I'd stay put in the basement. It gives you a chance to see where this is headed for sure and to be near the kids and you certainly are saving a lot of money verses having to get an apartment and setting yourself up there. I wouldn't stay there indefinitely but think for now, it's a way to stay involved in actively working on this without the expense of your separate living place.
She does seem very angry with you. Anything else happen that she is so mad?
I agree with dialogue. That is really the only answer. Would she see a therapist? The two of you together would be so helpful to work with a marriage counselor.
I think I'd be careful of pat answers to her complaints. If she says something like "how could you not have a laundry basket?" You could answer--- "Hm. I never thought of that. Sometimes domestic things are over my head and I am having to get used to some things. but ya know, a laundry basket might be handy!" (and then go spend 2 bucks to get one and honestly, you might find it very helpful. :) )
For now, I'd stay put in the basement. It gives you a chance to see where this is headed for sure and to be near the kids and you certainly are saving a lot of money verses having to get an apartment and setting yourself up there. I wouldn't stay there indefinitely but think for now, it's a way to stay involved in actively working on this without the expense of your separate living place.
She does seem very angry with you. Anything else happen that she is so mad?
I am afraid to say I am not sure if she just wants "space" as she did mention you should get used to living alone. She might be trying to end this completely. You should of given her what she asked for in the first place......separation/break. You might of pushed her to the point of no return.
For starts, you need to have a serious heart to heart chat with your wife and tell her you have decided to give her the separation and move elsewhere. Don't start deciding all this on your own without discussing things with her. I would also recommend discussing this with your therapist as well. You need to figure out the arrangements in regards to your child with your WIFE not with strangers on a website. I would recommend you stay in their lives as much as possible while separated from your wife. Obviously if you are moving to another place you need to have proper accommodations for the children as well.
Dialogue, dialogue and dialogue with YOUR wife about this BEFORE putting any plan into action and do get recommendations from your therapist as well. It seems you get an idea in your head and then you execute it without asking or consulting your wife as well.....maybe that's one of the major problems here.
Keep in mind we, the people commenting on your posts, are strangers and we are only giving advice based on the snippets of info you are providing. I am in NO position to advise or concur with visitation arrangements in regards to your children. That's between you and your wife.
For starts, you need to have a serious heart to heart chat with your wife and tell her you have decided to give her the separation and move elsewhere. Don't start deciding all this on your own without discussing things with her. I would also recommend discussing this with your therapist as well. You need to figure out the arrangements in regards to your child with your WIFE not with strangers on a website. I would recommend you stay in their lives as much as possible while separated from your wife. Obviously if you are moving to another place you need to have proper accommodations for the children as well.
Dialogue, dialogue and dialogue with YOUR wife about this BEFORE putting any plan into action and do get recommendations from your therapist as well. It seems you get an idea in your head and then you execute it without asking or consulting your wife as well.....maybe that's one of the major problems here.
Keep in mind we, the people commenting on your posts, are strangers and we are only giving advice based on the snippets of info you are providing. I am in NO position to advise or concur with visitation arrangements in regards to your children. That's between you and your wife.
Thanks, I figured. But do you plan for the best? hope for the best?
Do I rent a one bedroom nearby, and ask to come to dinner twice a week? Do I still take them to school?
Or do I rent a 2 bedroom... buy furniture and just plan for the worst. Do I say, you take them to school on your time. and I'll take them on my time.
I guess that's my question.
I'm hoping giving her space will bring everything around. Then again, I could be naïve.
Do I rent a one bedroom nearby, and ask to come to dinner twice a week? Do I still take them to school?
Or do I rent a 2 bedroom... buy furniture and just plan for the worst. Do I say, you take them to school on your time. and I'll take them on my time.
I guess that's my question.
I'm hoping giving her space will bring everything around. Then again, I could be naïve.
"About three months ago my wife asked for a separation. She was tired of me being 'checked out.' I refused, and begged for a chance and went to our basement and have been living there ever since.".........Well, your solution was living in the basement, not her's as being separated doesn't mean living in the basement in the same house. Furthermore living in the basement isn't giving her space. Sounds like she is fed up.
I think the next step is for you to move out. Make arrangements with your wife in regards to the children and definitely continue therapy.
This marriage is on a slippery slope for sure.
I think the next step is for you to move out. Make arrangements with your wife in regards to the children and definitely continue therapy.
This marriage is on a slippery slope for sure.
You are reading content posted in the Divorce & Breakups Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
