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Avatar universal

Ex-Husban in and out of my life

First an explanation.  I divorced a year ago (my second marriage and not the father of my children).  This man had two children who created a lot of havoc in our marriage - sex, drugs, alcohol and let me mention this started when his children were 12 and 10 years old.  My own children had never been allowed to be exposed to anything that would lead them down that road.  I was married to a police officer and he and his ex-wife had NO rules for their children - only that they wanted them to grow up to be individuals.  To date the 18 year old son is an unwed, single, high school dropout father to a 7 month old baby, the 15 year old just got out of a 90 day stint in rehab and is on strict probation for one year.  My ex-husband would escape reality by going into a very dark world of his own - pornography, sending pics of himself over the internet to strangers, etc.  When I found this out our marriage fell apart.  We divorced but since we separated I have allowed myself to see him off and on - I could not just turn off the love I had for him but now I know it is time.  He only sees me at his convenience and in between women - mostly of whom are not too much older than his oldest son.  I guess I had this idea I could save him from destroying what was left of his life - he has virtually no friends, no one in his department respects him and well, his kids are still a mess.  So why am I still so hurt over this man?  How do I move on?  I've seen two women counselors and they seem to think I have a good head on my shoulders, nothing wrong with me.  Something has to be wrong with me if I still want a man who was unfaithful to me and used me.  Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.  What I have said here is only a portion of what has gone on the past two years in my life with him - I could literally write a NY Times best seller with all that has transpired.  
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm.  Well, I am not sure what your question is.   I think that when we have loved someone, it is painful to give them up.  You are experiencing that with this man.  I think you are having the age old internal debate of head vs. heart.  Hopefully your head will win out in this case as I think you realize that a future with him is not likely.  

I think that because of how he let his children down.  (By the way----------- all the rules and protection we provide our children in the world will sometimes not be enough to keep them on the straight and narrow.  Drug addicts and drop outs can come from the very best families.  Parenting doesn't always play a role.  It can, for sure---------- but not always.  Perhaps the divorce of their parents left wounds and scars that resulted in their turning to the drugs/alcohol at such young ages.  Perhaps dad is addictive in nature and they inherited some of that.  So it can be more than just parenting and I want you to realize that when you think about this situation.  It could have been your child. It really could have been as it can be anyone's child.)  He should have stepped up to the plate as his children were drowning and put all else aside.  Instead he went inward and had a porn problem.  So no, you wouldn't want a man in  your life like that.  Higher standards would suggest that he is not good enough for you.  Sorry to put it that way------- but it is my opinion.

But that does not negate that you have feelings for him.  Those don't just disappear. BUT . . . you prolong these feelings by letting him back in your life.  Each time it stirs the feelings again.  So in essence, you've been in limbo since the break up.  You haven't moved on with your life.  And THAT is what I'd focus on.  How can you move on for real this time?  Think of what your life should look like 5 years from now. Then make a plan to get there.  I'm sure he won't be in the plan so you need to leave him behind now to get to your goal.  

Wish you luck.  Heart ache is real.  Hope yours gets better.
Helpful - 0
1440728 tn?1284064606
You won't like what I have to say.  You are an idiot if you keep him in your life.  Your and idiot if you keep letting him see you.  You are an idiot if you think you can "save" him.  And i bet my life that your not an idiot SOOOOOOOO why are you doing it?  STOP!  You pretty much admitted in your comments above he is a loser. He is self destructing. He is no good for you.  Do you want to self destruct with him cause he will take you with him if you let him.  He will destroy you if you let him.  The person you loved never exsisted.  You now see him for what he is and do you love that? The person you thought he was is a fantasy.  He never let you see him for who he really was until now and do you love him still after see what he is?  Stop being an idot and be what we all know you are, smart.  Take time to love yourself and who you are and take some time for yourself and stop letting this thing that calls himself a man into your life.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
When we love someone only to learn that they are not who we thought they were, it's tough to turn off the feelings.  It is a mistake to keep allowing him back into your life, he is having his cake and eating it too!  Think of what you want and deserve out of a man, and it's not him.  I think you just need to realize it's over, you're better than this and need to move on.  You need to forgive, and this is not as we think.  Forgiving him is merely you laying down the hurt and anger and walking away.  It doesn't make what he did right, you need not ever speak to him again.  You are laying down the anger and hurt so that you can stop being a victim of his.  Start doing things you enjoy, get out with friends, the more you do for yourself, the easier it will get, I promise.  There's nothing wrong with you, you've had trouble letting go, and now you must do this so that you can stop doubting yourself!  Often as women we are caregivers and think we can make it all better, but we can't nor should we have to endure all you have.  It's time for YOU, what YOU want and need.  I wish you all the best, be strong and take care.
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your input and comments.  Peanutbct, I really am not an idiot, lol.  I have a great career, great kids, great family, great friends - the only times I do feel like an idiot are when I let that man use me again for his own self gratifcation - but I know when it's over that I really was the idiot when it came to him.  This Monday I made a pact to stop all contact with him.  I also made an appointment with a psychologist and I see him for the first time tonight.  I have seen a few other counselors (women) but they both seemed to think I had no internal issues, that it was all him and I had a good head on my shoulders.  But I do know the damage I allowed him to cause needs healing and I just haven't let go, like you all said.  I am so glad I got on this site because it allows me to listen to non-biased people in the situation.  As you can imagine all my family and friends are biased to me and can't stand the ground this man walks on.  But words coming from complete strangers really helps shed light on what I need to do and that is MOVE ON!  Again, I so appreciate your comments, thank you and God Bless you all!
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