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He begged for me back, only to dump me? I’m so confused

I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I felt like I needed to improve myself and had to do it on my own. I broke up with my boyfriend of a year because it was not a good time. I needed to recover for myself.

Shortly after a friend asked me to move in with her 800 miles away in Denver. I thought it was a great idea. A fresh start. I agreed.

A few months passed and I was ready to move across the country. Until Valentine’s Day. My ex reached out and asked me to have a “going away” lunch get together. It seemed harmless so I agreed. Unfortunately, seeing him again instantly made me miss him. He wasn’t saying goodbye to me, he was BEGGING I take him back. “I’m madly in love with you. Stay in Chicago. Stay with me. We will move in together. I got a new job and I’m ready to take this step.”

After a few days of convincing I finally broke. I called up my potential roommate and told her I couldn’t come anymore. I loved him. The new two months were a dream. I felt more in love than ever. He was like a bandaid for my depression. I began to depend all of my happiness on him, since I never got a chance to pursue my own.

In April he had to leave for 6 weeks to Dallas for his new job. He told me once he got back we’d start apartment hunting and begin our new life together. I even planned to fly to Dallas to visit once.

When he left I felt empty. Sunk back down into my depressive state. I became clingy, calling and texting all the time. Getting angry when he’d choose to go out with colleagues rather than call. I’m sure I made it hard to focus on work.  

Eventually he stopped calling, texts were short and cold. A whole week passed without a call until finally he texted and said “I love you so much. But I have so much on my plate. I know it goes against everything I said, but I have to be on my own. I’m not ready for this relationship. I can’t hold you back from Denver.”

My best friend had already found a new roommate. I felt like he totally screwed me over. I gave up everything that could’ve made me happy for HIM, and his promises he backed out on.

Three weeks have passed. I started a new antidepressant, started seeing a therapist and even found an apartment for myself in Chicago which I sign the lease on tomorrow. But I feel I’m living with so much regret. I can’t eat (I’ve lost fifteen pounds) and can’t sleep. Two weeks after the breakup I broke down and sent the “begging text” with very little positive result (aka he didn’t give an answer). He comes home tomorrow from Dallas. I don’t know if I should try to convince him to meet up for closure or start the no contact tactic and see if space would help? Please help me out :)
1 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
I'm sorry you are going through a hard time like this.  First, let me say that I'm really glad you are working on your mental health.  Seeing a therapist, taking your medicine and working on you is the right course of action.  No person such as a boyfriend or place such as a new start in Denver will ultimately make you happy or less depressed for real.  The band aid eventually falls off.  Facing the situation of our mental state and what is going on inside of us is brave and essential to actually recovering from it.  :>)  So, you are on your way.  

I would imagine he was genuine, your ex.  But you had placed so much over the top emotion on him and needing him that he felt smothered by it.  Adults need to be interdependent in their romantic relationship, not dependent.  That means you are two separate people, standing on your own two feet who are enhanced by the other.  You aren't dependent on that person for your joy and happiness. They bring these things to you but you don't need it.  You were in a bad place when he was in Dallas and were just 'too much'.  He's trying to get his career going.  He wants to bond with colleagues.  And you kind of made it all about you.  I hate to say that and am not judging you but just speculating for how he might have felt and why he broke it off.  He wasn't ready to be your everything.  Too much pressure and stifling of him.  

In your next relationship, you will be stronger.  You will be healthy mentally.  You will be able to have a life WITH your partner but also away from him and can accept that he does too.  Does that make sense?

It's unfortunate that he thwarted your plans to go to Denver.  But it doesn't sound like he was doing it spitefully.  It sounds like he does care for you, would love for this to work out but that you were in a bad state of mind, which scared him.  ??  

Keep working on you, stay busy, and we are here to chat any time!
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