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Avatar universal

He thinks we can be “friends” I can’t

I’m going to try and Explain this as best I can. I’m not that great with words. I thought I was in the perfect relationship. We dated for almost 3 years and never had any real bad arguments. We live about 2 1/2 hours apart but would see each other on the weekends. I would usually be the one that did the traveling. I would either drive up to his house or meet him at a house his family owned that was half way. The only thing I didn’t like was his parents. Not that I don’t like his parents. They went everywhere he went! I could probably count on both hands the number of times we went to eat that his parents or his buddies didn’t go. That’s what most of our disagreements were about.
This is how the break up went down. I came home from a two week vacation. We saw each other as soon as I got back. Everything was great so I thought.  We did have a small argument about going camping with his family. I just wanted one weekend of just us. He went with that and decided we needed to take a break, then not a week later on our 3 year anniversary he sent me a text telling me he’s met someone. I was devastated. They are still dating today. I’m sure he was seeing her while we dated but he will deny it till he’s dead. We didn’t have any contact until recently. He called me out of the blue mad because he found out his buddy ask me out. He thought I was going to fool with his buddy just to get back at him. That was so far from the truth. Things eventually calmed down and we talked rationally. He told me he missed me. I definitely missed him. I knew he still had his girlfriend. I guess I was hoping that since he contacted me things weren’t going great with his relationship. We decided we would talk about us. We did and the conversation ended with us fooling around. He told me his gf doesn’t like sex and that he wasn’t that happy but she’s nice and hasn’t done anything to cause him to break up with her. Huh?! Oh and he said that if anything ever happened between them I would be the first one he calls. He doesn’t understand why we can’t just be friends.  I can’t just be his friend because I want more and I don’t sleep with my friends.  We aren’t talking now. It’s like the first breakup but a little worse. I just wished I knew what was going through his brain. I’m devastated all over again.

  
7 Responses
207091 tn?1337709493
Oh sweetie, you know what's going on in his brain, or at least all that matters anyway.

This is a man who can't seem to stand up to his parents, or he doesn't want to. He may or may not have been cheating on you with someone else, but even if he wasn't, he met her and started dating her before your relationship was fully closed.

He finds out his buddy is interested in you, thinks that the only interest you'd have in his friend (if you do have any interest at all) is to get back at him.

He still has his gf, but is talking to you behind her back, which is what you think he was doing to you with her originally. (Do you see that you may have traded places with her?)

His statement that if anything happens, you'll be the first one he calls is perfectly designed to keep you waiting in the wings for him.

I'm sure he has good qualities - everyone does. You deserve more, though. If he cheated on you with her, and is now cheating on her with you, he seems to have a pattern of cheating. Why would you want any of this for yourself?

My advice? Grieve the loss again - you already know it's hard but necessary - and cut off contact with him. Figure out why this is all okay with you - and some part of you thinks it's okay or you wouldn't even be entertaining the thought of getting back with him, and then find someone new and better. <3
2 Comments
Thanks for replying. You just told me what I already know but refuse to believe. Letting go is hard but I’m gonna be ok. I don’t deserve to be anyone’s second choice. I told him whatever he does will eventually come to light. He’s afraid I’m gonna tell his gf about us. I won’t have to.
I've been there - it's so hard to admit to yourself that someone you love isn't good to you or for you.

Relationships aren't always easy, but they aren't supposed to be this hard. They aren't supposed to suck the life from you, make you feel less than, or that you aren't enough.

It's interesting that he's worried about you telling the gf. If he loves you, and she's just nice, then his first concern would be you. (Of course, if that were true, he wouldn't be with the other woman anyway.)

Letting go IS hard. I won't downplay that. It's a loss, and you'll grieve it again. It may be harder, or easier, this time - only time will tell. Don't let yourself forget to be angry, too. It's really easy to romanticize the whole relationship, and focus on only the good stuff, and not remember the bad - just be realistic when you remember it.

Lots of experts like to give stages of grief, and there is some truth to them. What they miss is that grief isn't a nice easy process from one stage to another. It's a big squiggly mess, where some days you are sad, others angry, then back to sad, etc.

Hang in there, and remember that you are better than he is treating you, and stronger than you think you are. You got through this once - you can do it again. :)
Avatar universal
Okay there is so much to unpack here.
1st of all yeah I think the same. He probably met her or at least had a crush on her while dating you.
2nd of all he doesn't get to dictate who you go out with. Your relationship is over and you can date whoever you want.
3rd of all the fact he was willing to cheat on that girl with you tells what kind of person he is. And according to what he says he wants to be with her, but cause shes not into sex he wants you as a **** buddy. ****.THAT! That is so disrespectful.
And no long relationships cannot end in friendship when there are feelings there. You will always want more hoping two of them break up so he goes back to you. You will literally allow your life to pass in front of your eyes wanting him while being his second choice.
My advice to you: cut him lose! Slowly lose all connection, decline his offers to meet, start going out with other guys. Don't feel as if you need to justify to him. I can't tell how old you are, but I can tell that its not that old, so there is still plenty fish in the sea. There always be. And trust me you don't need a momma's boy. I understand people loving their parents, but dragging them to romantic getaways and dates with your girlfriend.... Just no!
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry because I know that it hurts when someone we care about breaks up with us. And he is definitively sending mixed messages.  And this will undoubtedly just keep the pain lingering as it is always so up and down.  Do I think you can be friends?  No.  You still have emotional ties to him that are romantic in nature. And he is abusing that and maybe does have feelings as well but he certainly doesn't have your best interest in mind when he is sexual with you while telling you he can't yet break up with his girlfriend.  He's a cheater.  He's cheating on her with you now and you are probably right, he cheated on you with her.  Can't trust a guy like that.  

We date for a reason.  And it is not just to enjoy ourselves.  But we are supposed to be learning what we need to know about someone to decide if they are worthy or a good person to take things to the next level with.  If they are a "keeper".  This guy is not a keeper.   (in my opinion).  No matter how much you care about him, he's shown you that he has character flaws that are huge!  

I'd break all ties with him.  

Let us know how you are doing.  hugs
2 Comments
Most days I’m good. Some days I’m sad and some days I’m mad as heck. Today I’ve been mad. I’ve decided I need to work on myself and find a hobby. I’ve  also planned a trip so I have that to look forward too.  
Excellent!  I have discovered the best things about myself during a break up and after.  You get to focus on just you!!!  I hope you plan a fantastic trip.  What hobbies are you thinking about?
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there rar0416.  I wanted to stop by and say hello and see how things are going. It's been a couple of months.  How are you doing?  
2 Comments
I’ve been doing good. I started working out again so that’s making me feel better about myself.  I have a big camping trip coming up and am excited about that.
Oh good.  I know when I had been through a break up, after I was often very productive on my own stuff.  I worked out, I had a clean house, I had time for my hobbies,  etc.  So, I'm glad you are taking advantage of this time in a productive way.  You'll meet someone great again, I just know it.  Camping sounds fun!!  Are you tent camping?  (I like to go hiking and then go to a hotel. lol).
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hello there.  It's been some time.  I was wondering how you are doing?  Things any easier?  
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Been awhile.  I wanted to see how it is going!  Come back and update us!  Would love to hear from you.
Avatar universal
Reading this situation, I was thinking about myself on your place. It is definetely an abuse from his side. Unfortunately, many girls like me need to be treated like **** till they understand that they are worth a better person with them. The main thing in the relationship is to respect each other. If you don't feel recpect-try to talk once, if nothing changes- leave. This is the rule I came to. I hope now you are doing fine and don't remember this guy. Wish you started a new page with the people who deserve you!
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