Aa
How to end this terrible feeling of being dumped
I have been in an on and off relationship for 8 years with a man, that frequently abandons me. I'm 55 and so is he. I let go for a good month several times and then we get back together, its either him contacting me or vice versa. But today I really got a wake up call. He mistakenly called my phone and I overheard him talking with a friend of his, they were going out to this parade and hitting the bars after, and it just was the way he talked-was like a complete different person. When he realized he called me he cursed and hung up instantly. I had texted him he called me by accident-and said by the way have a good time at the parade. I know it was childish, but I got so angry hearing that, I guess being excluded. I think about how many Sundays I am sitting home by myself while he is out with friends of ours or his, having a good time. It just really wears on me.
Our breakups result in usually him being angry at something I said, and stomping out, and then we are in break up city. The last one, was because I came into the room, and saw him sitting on my sofa with the most misery look. I felt like this was going to be an awful day, because of his moods. I said something to him, about that he did not look happy, hoping he would come out of it. And I was annoyed. I had the day off and he looked like he was so angry. He went through a bad divorce and has a lot of anger against his ex wife. Didn't know if he was thinking of her or something else. I had been going through this ordeal with him for the last 8 years.
Instead, he got up, went into my kitchen and put his boots on and stomped out. I had ran after him asking where he was going?? He ignored me and peeled out of my driveway-you could tell, really angry.
I had taken off that day, because it was the day after my birthday and we were going to go out for the day, but that certainly went to crap because he stomped out. He then sent me a text a little while later, saying "enjoy your day off, I'm not going to be talked to like that." The thing is, all I said was, he looked miserable. The truth is, he did look miserable..But he has said so many things to me far worse then that!! and I don't stomp out and dump him for the day. You just don't know when its going to happen, what is going to set him off and a disappearing act. He can be so good and nice and affectionate and then so rotten..soooo rotten...
So can someone help me deal with this terrible feeling?
Our breakups result in usually him being angry at something I said, and stomping out, and then we are in break up city. The last one, was because I came into the room, and saw him sitting on my sofa with the most misery look. I felt like this was going to be an awful day, because of his moods. I said something to him, about that he did not look happy, hoping he would come out of it. And I was annoyed. I had the day off and he looked like he was so angry. He went through a bad divorce and has a lot of anger against his ex wife. Didn't know if he was thinking of her or something else. I had been going through this ordeal with him for the last 8 years.
Instead, he got up, went into my kitchen and put his boots on and stomped out. I had ran after him asking where he was going?? He ignored me and peeled out of my driveway-you could tell, really angry.
I had taken off that day, because it was the day after my birthday and we were going to go out for the day, but that certainly went to crap because he stomped out. He then sent me a text a little while later, saying "enjoy your day off, I'm not going to be talked to like that." The thing is, all I said was, he looked miserable. The truth is, he did look miserable..But he has said so many things to me far worse then that!! and I don't stomp out and dump him for the day. You just don't know when its going to happen, what is going to set him off and a disappearing act. He can be so good and nice and affectionate and then so rotten..soooo rotten...
So can someone help me deal with this terrible feeling?
8 years of this? Aren't you tired? I wouldn't recommend wasting 8 more seconds worrying about this person.
Is this not the same guy whose son you had problems dealing with? If so, why do you keep trying to make something work that isn't going to? You can walk away anytime and stay away, but something in you chooses to go back. You need to sort out why you are doing this to yourself. Do you think you don't deserve better?
It is obvious that you and this man aren't in a good place. In fact your relationship sounds co-dependent and therapy is ideal in this situation. The reason I am labeling your relationship co-dependent is because of the back-and-forth nature. You aren't coming back together out of love; you are coming back together out of dysfunction. Dysfunction is the norm for you two. Healthy people don't go back and forth in a relationship. If it is bad they leave and if it is good they stay. The relationship is totally toxic and both of you are adding fuel to the fire.
"How to end this terrible feeling of being dumped"...........Well, first stop this cycle with him and that would start with seeking therapy for yourself to help sort this out.
If he indeed "dumped" you then consider it a blessing and that he has opened the door for better to come your way.
If he sees no problem with himself, then there is no problem to work on. In other words someone has to acknowledge he/she has a problem in the first place. You can't change him nor should you stay trying to.
It is obvious that you and this man aren't in a good place. In fact your relationship sounds co-dependent and therapy is ideal in this situation. The reason I am labeling your relationship co-dependent is because of the back-and-forth nature. You aren't coming back together out of love; you are coming back together out of dysfunction. Dysfunction is the norm for you two. Healthy people don't go back and forth in a relationship. If it is bad they leave and if it is good they stay. The relationship is totally toxic and both of you are adding fuel to the fire.
"How to end this terrible feeling of being dumped"...........Well, first stop this cycle with him and that would start with seeking therapy for yourself to help sort this out.
If he indeed "dumped" you then consider it a blessing and that he has opened the door for better to come your way.
If he sees no problem with himself, then there is no problem to work on. In other words someone has to acknowledge he/she has a problem in the first place. You can't change him nor should you stay trying to.
*correction: Trust your instinct about your relationship with *this guy.
Trust your instincts about your relationship with guy.
After reading more of your descriptive posts, there are some definite red flags going on with him. He fits the description of an emotional vampire. His impulsive reactions, moodiness, and ability to turn small things into larger problems (blowing things out of proportion) can be signs of a bigger, underlying problem with him. Not being accountable and not taking responsibility for his own behavior is a red flag. Seriously, it sounds a lot like he needs professional help for his issues ~ this is up to him to figure out for himself. Until he gets professional help, I wouldn't waste any more time on this guy...
After reading more of your descriptive posts, there are some definite red flags going on with him. He fits the description of an emotional vampire. His impulsive reactions, moodiness, and ability to turn small things into larger problems (blowing things out of proportion) can be signs of a bigger, underlying problem with him. Not being accountable and not taking responsibility for his own behavior is a red flag. Seriously, it sounds a lot like he needs professional help for his issues ~ this is up to him to figure out for himself. Until he gets professional help, I wouldn't waste any more time on this guy...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I think what I mean when you ask "what did I really say" is that you minimized his feelings. You made your feelings more important than his at that moment. And in a partnership, that's also considered to be problematic. You didn't feel like dealing with him in a bad mood and were annoyed by it. You don't think he sensed that from your tone and demeanor no matter your words? Of course he did and that is unkind. That you have to own.
And I know I'm probably treading on thin ice but only mean to help here--- but if 8 years have been spent with you feeling like he walks away, is moody, etc. . . . it was you that wasted the 8 years. We have to take responsibility if we stay in a bad relationship. Something kept you there.
So, you need to investigate what that was. It may not be worth it in which case you need to go ahead and be free of this. But I do think it sounds like you BOTH probably have let each other down over the years.
It's hard to end relationships but if we are mostly unhappy, then it's usually for the best. I'm sorry you are hurting over this and just think you deserve a peaceful life. Something has made you make the CHOICE to stay with him and not have peace. Do you think a therapist would help you sort that out? I think it could be very insightful to speak with someone and could help you make a decision to move ahead without him or stay. good luck
And I know I'm probably treading on thin ice but only mean to help here--- but if 8 years have been spent with you feeling like he walks away, is moody, etc. . . . it was you that wasted the 8 years. We have to take responsibility if we stay in a bad relationship. Something kept you there.
So, you need to investigate what that was. It may not be worth it in which case you need to go ahead and be free of this. But I do think it sounds like you BOTH probably have let each other down over the years.
It's hard to end relationships but if we are mostly unhappy, then it's usually for the best. I'm sorry you are hurting over this and just think you deserve a peaceful life. Something has made you make the CHOICE to stay with him and not have peace. Do you think a therapist would help you sort that out? I think it could be very insightful to speak with someone and could help you make a decision to move ahead without him or stay. good luck
PS. He had called me yesterday, but I didn't pick up. So his anger passed, and he was calling me in which like he always does before, does not mention him leaving or the absence-like it never happened. And then the cycle continues. I didn't pick up. I am so tired of always having to say it's ok when he treats me like ****, because of his emotions and mood swings. There comes a time when you just got to say, I'm not being left anymore..
I can understand how you can think I am hard on him, but what did I really say? All I said to him was you look so miserable..but as I said, I could of said, "you look great" and it be the same result. The thing is I have dealt with this with him for 8 years and he won't accept there is anything wrong with him, in fact he just blames others saying they are the ones in the wrong, he never once takes responsibility for how he treats people when he is in these moods. And never will take any blame for his behavior either, that is why I am and do get at my wits end. Its not easy to be with someone like this, that has these terrible moods, that come along and yet always pick little things and blow out of proportion. I recall once, while I was making dinner, he said lets go walking. Well I am on my feet 10 hours a day, and I was beat. I also had planter F. then where my feet kill besides having to stand all day. I said my feet were killing me. He said fine then stay home, stomped out and didn't hear from him again for 2 weeks...now Id call that pretty insensitive.
I do really feel sorry for him, he lost his son for years and I dealt with his inner pains for so long, I guess I am just damn exhausted of it. Comes to a point you got to say, I'm constantly trying to support someone, but what about when I am down? Is he there? not really...because his issues always takes first preference. I know what everyone says, my friends all tell me, how do you put up with it..why...do you..why don't you just walk away..its just so hard, after so long.
I have gone out with him for St. Pats day every year since we met, and my friends asked me to go out with them. I almost feel bad, and sorry to leave him behind. But god I am so sick of being left and abandoned all the time. I just can't be left anymore.
I do really feel sorry for him, he lost his son for years and I dealt with his inner pains for so long, I guess I am just damn exhausted of it. Comes to a point you got to say, I'm constantly trying to support someone, but what about when I am down? Is he there? not really...because his issues always takes first preference. I know what everyone says, my friends all tell me, how do you put up with it..why...do you..why don't you just walk away..its just so hard, after so long.
I have gone out with him for St. Pats day every year since we met, and my friends asked me to go out with them. I almost feel bad, and sorry to leave him behind. But god I am so sick of being left and abandoned all the time. I just can't be left anymore.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. I'm sure sorry to hear things are like this for the two of you. I do understand that being a fly on the wall always sounds good but when we actually end up listening in on a conversation, not so much. I WILL say that many men have 'guy speak' in which they are a little more brash, crude, etc. when they think they are talking to a buddy. Going to a parade and bars after probably is not something I'd focus on. But it sounds like that was on top of all the other things and years of difficulty.
Walking out and cold shoulders are a way of exerting power. It's very unfair to handle things like that. Now, this is not the case (at least to me) if they are walking out to defuse an escalating situation and they plan to revisit it later when things are calm. That is actually something I recommend.
On the surface, some of what you right sounds like you are hard on him. You were upset he looked like he 'was in misery' and made a coment hoping he'd snap out of it. He got upset. Well, perhaps he needed empathy and support at that moment? Then it would feel terrible to feel like your inner turmoil is just an annoyance to your loved one whom you'd like to lean on and get support from.
Some people are in this state so often though that you have to hope they eventually make some life changes. If they suffer depression, that they get treatment. If they have a job they hate, that they look for another. Etc.
So, I just have to assume there is more to the story that what you've written here. What you've written here to me seems that you are also insensitive to him. :>)
I don't know for sure because I also am guessing you are a reasonable person and if you are treating someone in such a way that you are annoyed at their moods---- they may be moody. I don't know.
My own husband can be kind of the grim reaper at times. I call him eeyore for a little joke (very carefully). He has a ton of pressure on him with work. A ton. His energy can be very dark at times when it is a bad day. But I'm his wife. Sometimes whe I sense that, I give him a hug. Ask if I can help. And really, most often, he softens and tries to get the funk out for my sake with that approach. And if I simply can't handle his tension because of a bad work day (he works from home or is traveling/ so he's either here or out of town)-- I just get busy elsewhere.
Is counseling something you and he would consider?
Or if he has walked out, is it worth it--- maybe for the best. Even though it hurts? Bad relationships can be like bad habits---- hard to break. sometimes you just have to do it until it doesn't hurt to be done with it anymore.
anyway, I hope that my different perspective doesn't upset you. And I fully understand that I really have little information to understand this situation fully So could be totally off base. Wishing you the best!
Walking out and cold shoulders are a way of exerting power. It's very unfair to handle things like that. Now, this is not the case (at least to me) if they are walking out to defuse an escalating situation and they plan to revisit it later when things are calm. That is actually something I recommend.
On the surface, some of what you right sounds like you are hard on him. You were upset he looked like he 'was in misery' and made a coment hoping he'd snap out of it. He got upset. Well, perhaps he needed empathy and support at that moment? Then it would feel terrible to feel like your inner turmoil is just an annoyance to your loved one whom you'd like to lean on and get support from.
Some people are in this state so often though that you have to hope they eventually make some life changes. If they suffer depression, that they get treatment. If they have a job they hate, that they look for another. Etc.
So, I just have to assume there is more to the story that what you've written here. What you've written here to me seems that you are also insensitive to him. :>)
I don't know for sure because I also am guessing you are a reasonable person and if you are treating someone in such a way that you are annoyed at their moods---- they may be moody. I don't know.
My own husband can be kind of the grim reaper at times. I call him eeyore for a little joke (very carefully). He has a ton of pressure on him with work. A ton. His energy can be very dark at times when it is a bad day. But I'm his wife. Sometimes whe I sense that, I give him a hug. Ask if I can help. And really, most often, he softens and tries to get the funk out for my sake with that approach. And if I simply can't handle his tension because of a bad work day (he works from home or is traveling/ so he's either here or out of town)-- I just get busy elsewhere.
Is counseling something you and he would consider?
Or if he has walked out, is it worth it--- maybe for the best. Even though it hurts? Bad relationships can be like bad habits---- hard to break. sometimes you just have to do it until it doesn't hurt to be done with it anymore.
anyway, I hope that my different perspective doesn't upset you. And I fully understand that I really have little information to understand this situation fully So could be totally off base. Wishing you the best!
You have my sympathy; 8 yrs. is a long time to be loyal to a relationship that sounds as though it has outlived it's usefulness. Honestly, from what you've wrote, your relationship sounds toxic ~ maybe it's a mixed blessing that he stomped off...
It's normal to feel lousy and depressed after a break up, and it's healthy to grieve the end of your relationship. In order to move on from the emotional pain you are feeling right now, you must face it head on, and work through it day by day. Every day, you can allow yourself time to cry and think about your relationship for a short while, then move on w/your day. It's okay to find a new distraction, such as a new hobby, exercise, or even a change in your daily routine, to take your mind off of thinking about your relationship...
Right now is a good time to surround yourself with positive people who really care about you. Spend time with family and close friends who will support you and be there for you, through this rough time.
Take Care
It's normal to feel lousy and depressed after a break up, and it's healthy to grieve the end of your relationship. In order to move on from the emotional pain you are feeling right now, you must face it head on, and work through it day by day. Every day, you can allow yourself time to cry and think about your relationship for a short while, then move on w/your day. It's okay to find a new distraction, such as a new hobby, exercise, or even a change in your daily routine, to take your mind off of thinking about your relationship...
Right now is a good time to surround yourself with positive people who really care about you. Spend time with family and close friends who will support you and be there for you, through this rough time.
Take Care
1 Comments
Thanks for your views and they are right on..It is so hard to be in a state of constant either acceptance or rejection. I took your advice and gave myself time to grieve and I came to that conclusion, and it was pretty enlightening, to realize that he really is incapable of maintaining a status quo with any one person for any length of time. In his marriage I put pieces together in times he had walked out on his wife at parties or places, I guess I overlooked all this but I am starting to remember stories he told me of the past. Its made it a lot more sense to me now when I see he really isn't capable of staying with me for any length of time.
You are reading content posted in the Divorce & Breakups Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
