Aa
I repent divorcing my husband
This is a psychological question
After 16 years of marriage we went through a crisis, he worked and worked non caring of me and the kids
I felt abandoned, even on sundays we could not stay together because he took the kids to his mother's to have lunch, but he lefte me home
I then thought he did not care for me and started to go on a crisis and I asked for separation
I have now been separated for 5 years and got divorced
last december
All through these steps i have slowly begun to realize it s been a terrible mistake and i am missing him terribly . I know it may sound crazy , but it's what i m feeling and it's strong.
I miss him , the simple things we did together, staying in the family with our kids . I now see that it was all wrong, and i would turn back time and find a different way to solve our problems...
I had a relation for 3 years after the separation, we broke last summer, but now he has another woman, and I don't know what step to take , if tell him or not
It is a terrible situation where I feel guilt , loneliness , jealousy, and a mix of negative feelings all together and in some moments i feel i cannot cope ...
I only have my kids for whom i live , and a feeble hope
I am not strong in this period , i need to restore my self-confidence and maybe then i will try to talk to him
We used to be both very much in love , it was all a series of misunderstandings, but i feel it can't end this way
I know i may sound ridiculous . But i made a mistake and want to fix , restore my relation with him ..
Thank you all for your advice
After 16 years of marriage we went through a crisis, he worked and worked non caring of me and the kids
I felt abandoned, even on sundays we could not stay together because he took the kids to his mother's to have lunch, but he lefte me home
I then thought he did not care for me and started to go on a crisis and I asked for separation
I have now been separated for 5 years and got divorced
last december
All through these steps i have slowly begun to realize it s been a terrible mistake and i am missing him terribly . I know it may sound crazy , but it's what i m feeling and it's strong.
I miss him , the simple things we did together, staying in the family with our kids . I now see that it was all wrong, and i would turn back time and find a different way to solve our problems...
I had a relation for 3 years after the separation, we broke last summer, but now he has another woman, and I don't know what step to take , if tell him or not
It is a terrible situation where I feel guilt , loneliness , jealousy, and a mix of negative feelings all together and in some moments i feel i cannot cope ...
I only have my kids for whom i live , and a feeble hope
I am not strong in this period , i need to restore my self-confidence and maybe then i will try to talk to him
We used to be both very much in love , it was all a series of misunderstandings, but i feel it can't end this way
I know i may sound ridiculous . But i made a mistake and want to fix , restore my relation with him ..
Thank you all for your advice
Dearest Anna
You know what is fantastic? That you find
The time to post an answer to someone You don't know
Who is writing from the other side of the world
As if I were a friend of yours.... This is important to me,
Very much .
And yes, I want to live in the meantime , I am not serene
as you may think . It is not easy to cope Anna ..I feel jealous , I feel alone , even if I would not like to feel so . When my kids are with my ex ,
I suffer terribly, because I cannot bear the separation from them
and this woman taking my place with the three of them I am ashamed to tell You I did the same 2 years ago, but I was so utterly wrong . As you can see, It is an endless pain , I am resolute to put an end to it , this is not life .
i'd feel much better if I were convinced that he is not my destiny ..
I would like so much to talk to him about us
I 'm going to accept temporarily things as they are , which is not surrender; i am going to nurture feelings of love as much as I can: love people, life, nature . I am going to pray with my deeds , wait and forgive others, so maybe in the end I will be able to forgive myself
PS I already have two counsellors ...
A big hug to You Anna , thank You again for your help
Hope to hear again from You
In Italian we say
Tu sei una bella persona ! You are such a
kind person
Cissy
You know what is fantastic? That you find
The time to post an answer to someone You don't know
Who is writing from the other side of the world
As if I were a friend of yours.... This is important to me,
Very much .
And yes, I want to live in the meantime , I am not serene
as you may think . It is not easy to cope Anna ..I feel jealous , I feel alone , even if I would not like to feel so . When my kids are with my ex ,
I suffer terribly, because I cannot bear the separation from them
and this woman taking my place with the three of them I am ashamed to tell You I did the same 2 years ago, but I was so utterly wrong . As you can see, It is an endless pain , I am resolute to put an end to it , this is not life .
i'd feel much better if I were convinced that he is not my destiny ..
I would like so much to talk to him about us
I 'm going to accept temporarily things as they are , which is not surrender; i am going to nurture feelings of love as much as I can: love people, life, nature . I am going to pray with my deeds , wait and forgive others, so maybe in the end I will be able to forgive myself
PS I already have two counsellors ...
A big hug to You Anna , thank You again for your help
Hope to hear again from You
In Italian we say
Tu sei una bella persona ! You are such a
kind person
Cissy
First of all, I am extremely grateful that my post has somewhat helped. That was the aim and I am glad that it has made an impact. Second of all, your English is great and you come across as very intelligent. I understand each and every word of what you are saying.
Personal assessment can be very bitter-sweet. It is a good thing... a great thing... to be able to analyze our actions, even the ones that have already been done. We all have been placed in specific situations where upon reflecting we realize that we could have reacted differently or handled the issue in a different manner. I find myself in plenty of these situations and I do feel guilty when it happens. I believe everyone has had such experiences. The worse part is that, it is not always possible to go back to the person/s caught in the cross fire and say "I apologize." However, there is a more important action to be taken in those situations. We must practice "self forgiveness." It is absolutely essential. There are times when we have to forgive ourselves and then leave the situation where it is. No looking back and I will tell you why.
I am happy that are so in tune with yourself and you feel so connected to who you are. It is BEAUTIFUL and I wish you even more self growth and development to come. I cannot tell you who you are now and who you were. I can only take into consideration what was written. I get that you were a different person in the marriage. Someone that you were not proud of. Someone you have left behind. Now, you are this ball of light and love and that is GREAT. I read what you said about reacting poorly to things that your husband did and acting out. I believe you were implying that you might have over-reacted a lot. I do not believe in over-reaction. I believe that none of us can measure "importance". We react to situations based on how we feel on the inside: if we angry, we react angrily and if we are sad, we react that way. You may look back now and think it was not that serious but I am certain it felt serious at the time.
What jumps out most at me is that you described two different women; the woman in the marriage and the woman out of the marriage. In my opinion, the woman in the marriage is the one you left behind and you ought to embrace the woman you are meeting now. Reaching this place in your life, feeling so comfortable within yourself, does not always mean going back to see if you can bring some new light to old situations because most times we end up right back where we started. Sometimes it means moving on to a new life with new people and applying the new us to new experiences. It is so scary, to let someone new in after loving the old one so much but life is too short and indecisive to be tied down by fear, even if things do not work out, it will not kill you. :-)
I am advising though, that you see a counselor and just lay it all out. Work through what you are feeling now and what you were feeling in the marriage. I think only when you are certain you should make a decision. In the meantime, LIVE.
Anna :-)
Personal assessment can be very bitter-sweet. It is a good thing... a great thing... to be able to analyze our actions, even the ones that have already been done. We all have been placed in specific situations where upon reflecting we realize that we could have reacted differently or handled the issue in a different manner. I find myself in plenty of these situations and I do feel guilty when it happens. I believe everyone has had such experiences. The worse part is that, it is not always possible to go back to the person/s caught in the cross fire and say "I apologize." However, there is a more important action to be taken in those situations. We must practice "self forgiveness." It is absolutely essential. There are times when we have to forgive ourselves and then leave the situation where it is. No looking back and I will tell you why.
I am happy that are so in tune with yourself and you feel so connected to who you are. It is BEAUTIFUL and I wish you even more self growth and development to come. I cannot tell you who you are now and who you were. I can only take into consideration what was written. I get that you were a different person in the marriage. Someone that you were not proud of. Someone you have left behind. Now, you are this ball of light and love and that is GREAT. I read what you said about reacting poorly to things that your husband did and acting out. I believe you were implying that you might have over-reacted a lot. I do not believe in over-reaction. I believe that none of us can measure "importance". We react to situations based on how we feel on the inside: if we angry, we react angrily and if we are sad, we react that way. You may look back now and think it was not that serious but I am certain it felt serious at the time.
What jumps out most at me is that you described two different women; the woman in the marriage and the woman out of the marriage. In my opinion, the woman in the marriage is the one you left behind and you ought to embrace the woman you are meeting now. Reaching this place in your life, feeling so comfortable within yourself, does not always mean going back to see if you can bring some new light to old situations because most times we end up right back where we started. Sometimes it means moving on to a new life with new people and applying the new us to new experiences. It is so scary, to let someone new in after loving the old one so much but life is too short and indecisive to be tied down by fear, even if things do not work out, it will not kill you. :-)
I am advising though, that you see a counselor and just lay it all out. Work through what you are feeling now and what you were feeling in the marriage. I think only when you are certain you should make a decision. In the meantime, LIVE.
Anna :-)
I also want to keep on with my life , my job , my hobbies, but At the same time I admit my big mistake , I did not stick with my values . I can't say if my husband one day will reconsider to reconcile with me .
And the huge problem , Anna , is that at the moment he is not single, he is together with another woman, and I don't know if he is in love, I don't know anything about his feelings . I only know sbout mine. Our story has been a real love story... We ve known each other since we were 20 and he has always been very much in love with me, but he is not talkative, he is quite different from me, which I now can understand and accept. I myself have my faults which he had accepted
And the huge problem , Anna , is that at the moment he is not single, he is together with another woman, and I don't know if he is in love, I don't know anything about his feelings . I only know sbout mine. Our story has been a real love story... We ve known each other since we were 20 and he has always been very much in love with me, but he is not talkative, he is quite different from me, which I now can understand and accept. I myself have my faults which he had accepted
I did not have this man living with me in my husband's place, but he came along and slept at my place while the kids were in, cause he lived far from me , and we met every other week at my place or his
This is something I am so sorry , i mean, sleeping with him in my place when I had my kids in. I now understand that was tough for my husband, and for them, too.
Because now I have to bear the same from him, I can tell you, i's tough . Because You feel substituted in the heart of the ones you love. Especially my kids, they are 17 and 11 .
I promise I will take your precious advice in mind , to make sure wether my feelings are really true . I only hope and love my family, staying in peace with my children and my husband
This is something I am so sorry , i mean, sleeping with him in my place when I had my kids in. I now understand that was tough for my husband, and for them, too.
Because now I have to bear the same from him, I can tell you, i's tough . Because You feel substituted in the heart of the ones you love. Especially my kids, they are 17 and 11 .
I promise I will take your precious advice in mind , to make sure wether my feelings are really true . I only hope and love my family, staying in peace with my children and my husband
Since I now see things from a distance, I realize that that hell I thought was going on in my marriage was exaggerated by my wrong perception of my feelings and his . I tell You, dear Anna, today I would react differently to any negative input on his or whosever part, because I feel connected to myself ... I know what I wish for myself, which is, my family with my kids and my husband, for all the big faults he has and I have, a loving life , which includes fights but also forgiveness
I am now busy in forgiving myself for asking a divorce . After some experiences with other men, I can tell You that FOR ME - I am underlining that - substituting my husband with another man has not been a solution . I personally admit that I was mistaken when I thought that sending him away from my life would have been a solution... Sorry for my weird English, I am trying hard to convey my feelings, but I don't master Your language .. Of course I am reconsidering what you wrote to me, I am recalling the feelings of oppression that led me to the breaking up, then the new life with another man, I also reconsider my behaviour to my husband and to my kids while I was with this man , because I did not take into consideration their feelings , I was deaf , blind, I could not see I was causing them to suffer because I was selfish
I am now busy in forgiving myself for asking a divorce . After some experiences with other men, I can tell You that FOR ME - I am underlining that - substituting my husband with another man has not been a solution . I personally admit that I was mistaken when I thought that sending him away from my life would have been a solution... Sorry for my weird English, I am trying hard to convey my feelings, but I don't master Your language .. Of course I am reconsidering what you wrote to me, I am recalling the feelings of oppression that led me to the breaking up, then the new life with another man, I also reconsider my behaviour to my husband and to my kids while I was with this man , because I did not take into consideration their feelings , I was deaf , blind, I could not see I was causing them to suffer because I was selfish
Dear Kayannaboo
Thank You so much for Your post
English is not my native language, so forgive my mistakes:
I am Italian
Your comment gives me the impression that you are really very sensible and sensitive , I am so grateful that you took the time to read me and give such an interesting and loving comment . Thank You from my heart
Is your name Anna, am I right?
Well Anna... I consider that when I took the decision of separating I was a disappointed woman, and I thought I was not in love any longer because of the disappointment I felt
From a certain point on I used to react negatively : I suffered because I could not accept the fact that my marriage was becoming a sort of hell , but now I am convinced that I ' d had had a lot of ither ways to restore the loving contact with him , which I didn't
I am now persuaded that there was too much anger in me coming from the inside , that prevented me from looking at things as a see them now
The basis of our mutual love was still alive, but in the years I had lost my serenity, my smile, in short I recognize I was really a different
woman, I had unsatisfaction in myself, and this not because of the marriage in itself, but because I had lost the values I strongly believed in, and still strongly believe in: love and my family
Thank You so much for Your post
English is not my native language, so forgive my mistakes:
I am Italian
Your comment gives me the impression that you are really very sensible and sensitive , I am so grateful that you took the time to read me and give such an interesting and loving comment . Thank You from my heart
Is your name Anna, am I right?
Well Anna... I consider that when I took the decision of separating I was a disappointed woman, and I thought I was not in love any longer because of the disappointment I felt
From a certain point on I used to react negatively : I suffered because I could not accept the fact that my marriage was becoming a sort of hell , but now I am convinced that I ' d had had a lot of ither ways to restore the loving contact with him , which I didn't
I am now persuaded that there was too much anger in me coming from the inside , that prevented me from looking at things as a see them now
The basis of our mutual love was still alive, but in the years I had lost my serenity, my smile, in short I recognize I was really a different
woman, I had unsatisfaction in myself, and this not because of the marriage in itself, but because I had lost the values I strongly believed in, and still strongly believe in: love and my family
Hi there...I totally understand your post and what you are trying to get across. First of all, I am terribly sorry for the situation in which you currently find yourself. After 16 long years I can certainly imagine that it was truly a difficult decision to make at the time. Let me first confess-- I have no primary experience with marriage and can only say my piece based on observations and discussions I have had with persons who are or used to be married. One of the things I have learnt is that marriage can truly be a struggle. Most importantly, people who were married for as many years as you were and get divorced, usually felt strong emotions of either neglect/abandonment or depression for quite a number of years prior to the divorce. As I read your post I started to think that after so long, if a divorce was your solution with kids and all other shared factors involved, it must have been a careful and well thought out decision based on some strong negative feelings. It could not have been anything that was on the surface because after 16 years of getting to know, love and attached to another human being with whom you share children, a home and all other features of married life, it could not have been simple feelings that lead you to this.
Therefore, I want you to truly look into your heart and separate your feelings for him now, your feelings for him then and the feelings that lead you to file for divorce in the first place. Properly sort them through as if they were a pile of laundry and ask yourself "is this really what I want?" Often, we become so consumed after walking away from someone in our own feelings of loneliness and feeling unwanted that we forget or minimize the reason we walked away in the first place. Not only that but we maximize the good times and allow it to fill our soul and mind and decide we will never find anyone as great as that person. Additionally, after letting someone into ourselves for so long, someone who knows our thoughts, our ways (good and bad) and getting to know theirs, its hard to open up to another like that...we compare them to first person and we are a bit unwilling to know who THEY are.
My advice is this -- if you feel this is the best decision for your life and that you truly made a mistake, after sifting through your feelings, and he is single and you are single, then talk to him.
Wishing you peace and happiness,
Anna
Therefore, I want you to truly look into your heart and separate your feelings for him now, your feelings for him then and the feelings that lead you to file for divorce in the first place. Properly sort them through as if they were a pile of laundry and ask yourself "is this really what I want?" Often, we become so consumed after walking away from someone in our own feelings of loneliness and feeling unwanted that we forget or minimize the reason we walked away in the first place. Not only that but we maximize the good times and allow it to fill our soul and mind and decide we will never find anyone as great as that person. Additionally, after letting someone into ourselves for so long, someone who knows our thoughts, our ways (good and bad) and getting to know theirs, its hard to open up to another like that...we compare them to first person and we are a bit unwilling to know who THEY are.
My advice is this -- if you feel this is the best decision for your life and that you truly made a mistake, after sifting through your feelings, and he is single and you are single, then talk to him.
Wishing you peace and happiness,
Anna
Sorry i realize i can be misunderstood so i'll explain
I broke from a relation one year ago and I have no other till then,
While my ex husband has had another for two years
I broke from a relation one year ago and I have no other till then,
While my ex husband has had another for two years
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