Aa
A
A
A
Close
Divorce & Breakups Community
1.49k Members
Avatar universal

Is that Midlife Crisis?

I will start this post saying I am from Europe (sorry for my English) and my husband is American.

Idk what to do, I would never expect I might be in situation like that. So my husband and I got married a year ago, we are both 33 and its 1st marriage for both of us.
Only difference is that my husband have 2 kids with his ex girlfriend. They have been together on and off for 7 years, during this time she cheat on him multiple times, so he start to do the same, they were argue a lot, and the final of this relationship was the worse scenario ever.
Because he didn't wan't to leave the house she called police and accused him of domestic valiance, he went to jail, and at this time she packed, took kids, everything what they had and disappear.
Because he couldn't go to work, he got fired, kicked out from apartment for not paying the rent and became homeless for some time. His family is very pathological, no father, mother have mental issues, no one help him, so he had to handle all of this by himself.
I meet him already 4 years after all this happened, before we got married I asked if he have any feelings to mother of his kids, he said no, he hate her, she destroyed his life for no reason etc. Our life was perfect since I meet him, loving husband sending flowers without reason, texts from work that he can't wait to come back home, romantic dinners, plans to buy a house and have kids.
... And problems start this year, 9 months after our wedding.
His ex was going thru divorce and decided to file for higher child support, and that was also chance for us to apply for visitations.
I went to 2 from 3 court hearing, the last one was on Valentines day and I had to work till 9pm so I couldn't go. That day my husband came back around 10 pm saying he went to visit cousin because he know I will be in work anyway.
Around 3 weeks ago, like 5 days before our wedding anniversary he admit he start to seeing his kids, went there on valentines day after hearing, and start to see them more regular. He also admit that at the moment when he left for 3 days to visit his friend he stay in they house, and kiss and cuddle his ex !!!
He said hes so sorry, he just needed this goodbye kiss for all the past, that the kiss is a symbol of forgiveness and new beginning. He told me all his lies, everything day by day since Feb 14th, and because they didn't had sex, the day after I decided to forgive him.
But at that moment my husband said he still love her and he don't know if he can be with me, and disappear for 3 days. He came back day of our wedding anniversary, apologies again, said he love me and he want to be with me, that he was staying in the car like 1h away to think, I believed (his ex is 12h away) and had an amazing time.
Day after, I found out he's still texting her, apparently because she lost apartment, left state, and need some help so kids will not stay in the hotel, she was saying she moved there for a guy (but wait? so why hes not helping her?). And at this moment I found out those 3 missing days he spend with her and kids in that hotel. He was trying to defense the love is not real and he just playing her to get the kids back.
We had a huge fight, he told me he want divorce like 20 times, so I left. But few days later he contact me saying that he does have feelings for her, shes mother of his kids, probably 1st love in his life, she also said she love him and want to try one more time ... for kids, and said honestly that he was thinking about it, but told her he have wife and want to stay with me.
And because I love him so much, I was thinking "omg, he chose me over her ... and kids" he have to love me. He came to pick me up, shewing how much he missed and love me, and we decided not to have any secrets, help with apartment for kids and think about our own kids.
3 days later I catch him on talking with her, again about feeling and future, I confront him and again he told me he want divorce, than he said hes confuse, he don't know what to do and he need time.
I start to digging, I already know hes taking adderall, but just found out he double or even triple the daily dose, found out he's taking impotence drugs since before he even meet me (never told me about it), he start to loosing his hair also, which dont take to good.
My friends assume all of that push him to an midlife crisis.
I don't recognize my own husband, hes like completely different person with no emotions.
What should I do? I still love him, apparently he still didn't cheat on me sexual (if I can even believe what he saying) and still love me (both of us). I was looking for answers in internet about midlife crisis and almost all articles saying to let him do what he want and wait. But idk if I can do that, just think every day he is there, not here. That he love her not me. And what if is not an middle life crisis but it's just him, lying a... And that's only 1st year of marriage, what will be in the future? This whole situation in killing me. Everything was so perfect till Valentines day. I start suspected something, but was thinking it's just over of honeymoon "period" now is time for "normal" life.
So what should I do? What can I do?
3 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh gosh, this is complicated.  First, let me say as a mother, I can understand any parent, father or mother, wanting . . . even NEEDING . . . to reconnect with their children.  He created them.  He bonded with them. Regardless of anything else that happened between him and his ex or even him and you, those kiddos are his blood and his responsibility.  His wanting a relationship with the kids and to spend time with them is a good thing even if difficult for the dynamics in your relationship.  And I understand that. It means you will likely have to get used to someone else's children, get used to him having other beings in life that are at least as important as you if not more so (my kids are tops to me), and have to deal with his being in contact with an ex. An ex he has some twisted emotions about.  The way they ended sounds a huge mess.  And remember, she's just got divorced.  The way she is feeling probably has a lot to do with wanting to reconnect with your husband such as . . . she doesn't want to be alone. Wants stability of being with him.  Etc.  That's not real and doesn't last.  :>)  Maybe your husband who maybe also is torn because he didn't really have closure with her and misses his kids knows this deep down and this is why he fought any melancholy feelings he has toward her to give it a try.  I'm sure he loves you too, sweetie, and that played a role in his decision to stay with you.  

So, have you ever asked him how it got so bad with him and her? Was he using drugs then?  I ask because that whole situation is pretty drastic.  Usually takes something major to result in anything like that.  And since he's kind of got a few hidden things, perhaps more was going on then than he has told you?

Now he is being 'confused'.  That hurts.  So so bad.  Because the bottom line is that regardless it won't go back to how it was before he reconnected with his kids. Now he is expected to be a dad with his kids.  This means he will have to deal with her.  And if he has wishy washy and changing feelings, that is just so hard to put up with.  I totally understand where you are coming from.  

I don't really think it is a midlife crisis.  I have a parent that went through that.  He dumped his wife of his own age and got with a younger woman, began driving a sports car, worked out, tried to act younger than he was.  That's probably a more typical midlife crisis pattern.

But he sounds like he longs for that family life he had.  They didn't break up because he wanted to mutually with her.  He wasn't given a choice.  So, now he is having her say 'what about trying again'.  Is he trying to relive that past?  To get closure?  Do I think they'd make it long term, he and her?  Absolutely not!  Way too much baggage and look how she treated him at that time.  But I have to suspect maybe you don't know the full story to their break up.  Was he using drugs or drinking?  Something seems off there. Normally to go to jail, you can't just be accused.  There has to be evidence.  

What do you think about giving him some time to get it together on his own?  telling him to sort it out and if he wants to work it out with you after this, he will need to commit.  And then you do have to be accepting of his kids into your life and home.  But take some of the power back too by telling him this limbo cant go on much longer.  
5 Comments
I never was against his kids, to be honest it was me who prepared his visitation documents for court. What he said, his ex don't want me to have contact with them, some sick jealousy or something (I never even meet her).
All I know about they relationship that was very toxic, he was working a lot so she cheat on him, he gave her a chance even moved to other state, and she did it again, so he cheat also, she got pregnant, and cheat again and like that for 7 years. Its what he said, but at this moment I dont know what to believe. No, hes not drinking at all, and what I know at ths time he didnt took any drugs except adderall.
And yes, Im giving him time alone, hes gone from home. I know he should see kids today so I assume after he left he went straight there for weekend :(
Argh.  I really feel for you.  What a tough situation.  I think it is so hard because right now you feel like you can't trust him.  And it would be one thing if he was working hard to gain your trust.  I think this is really hard on you.  You sound like you love him but I think I'd think about what your boundary is.  When he nears it, let him know and once he crosses it, you probably should be ready to make a drastic step yourself.  But he's your husband.  He is legally bound to you.  That counts.  That's important. And SHOULD be important to him also.  Sure, he has kids. But you are his wife.  I think this gives you a right to ask him to get his act together.  hugs
Thank you, but at the moment he don't care about me at all. He's with her for a weekend, I know that because tomorrow he should sign the apartment lease for her ... sorry for kids
I'm so sorry sweetie.  I absolutely think this will crash and burn in terms of his relationship with her. With their history?  It won't work.  I almost guarantee it but do you really want a guy back that treats you this way?
No, It will be to late
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
How are you sweetie?  Any progress on this situation?  I hope you are doing okay.  Was thinking of you.
2 Comments
He left  ... and making my life real hell, trying to take everything from me, posting pics with his lover and making plan to deport me. ... And few weeks ago I was thinking what to do to get him back, how to fix everything and be happy :(
Never felt so stupid than right now
I am sorry to hear that.  Has anything changed?  That so hurts, posting pictures and kind of rubbing your face into it.  You are NOT stupid.  How can you predict that a man will betray you like that?  It hurts so bad, doesn't it?  I know.  Been there.  I'm terribly sorry.  Come back and talk to me.  Let me know what is happening now.  
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi Gosh88, I was thinking about you.  How is it going?
Have an Answer?
Top Relationships Answerers
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
For people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the COVID-19 pandemic can be particularly challenging.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Here’s how your baby’s growing in your body each week.
These common ADD/ADHD myths could already be hurting your child