NO OFFENSE TO OTHER RACES

[brownhair]

Hello All,

I am an African-American educated woman; I have a career but have not been so smart in the area of relationships in the past. Long story short, I am in a contested high-conflict custody battleMy ex has done everything to break my relationship with my young child. Child is in counseling.  I tell the judge these things, with evidence; I tell lawyers, and the counselor. They ALL minimize my ex's behavior. I feel voiceless, invisible, and helpless. I am beginning to believe that many people over look my concerns because I am African-American woman. I am not saying that other races of women do not deal with these things, but I feel that subconsciously, people just do not listen to brown women. I am not trying to play the race card at all, believe me, but that is the only explanation I have.   These  professionals  are minimizing his terrible behavior. My question is: Do women of other races experience or have experienced anything like I am experiencing? Do you all think it could be a race thing?  

[DaddyDad2]

Before anyone mentions the op was 6+ years ago, I know.  

I was treated the same way and I'm a white male.  While I have had my share of mistreatment because of my skin color, that was not this issue in court this time.  Long story made short, it was as a gender/favor issue that explained it all.  I had to figure it out on my own months after the final hearing.

[DaddyDad2]

I'm a white male who has been treated very similar to you except worse.  The lazy, don't care court is a pathetic excuse for an avenue to justice.  These people are in it for the fastest way to money.  You are not respected and are the courts victim just like myself and countless others who were stupid enough to get married. Whether they treat you poorly because of race or gender is something that most likely varies and hinges upon these low lives gender and racial bias handed down to them in their individual families.  Also, the opposing attorneys relationship and reputation along with the judges, will take precedent over your needs as you mean nothing to them. Most disgusting of all, their "game" takes president over your child's best interest. That's anything BUT honorable.  

[Londres70]

Hon, I do wish you the best getting through this.  Sounds like you've had an extremely rough time trying to sort this out.

[specialmom]

Any time.  Come back and let us know how it is going, okay?  Best to you

[brownhair]

Thank You all for your encouraging words and advice.

[specialmom]

More good advice.  Thanks londres and anniebrooke for trying to help.  We ALL really hope this works out and think you need to do whatever it takes to get a great custody arrangement with your kids.  good luck and keep us updated

[Londres70]

I think your concerns are legit and I don't think you need a therapist, however, I don't think race has anything to do with this.  He's black and so are you, so I will say the race factor isn't there.  

What exactly is your ex doing?

Other factors could be:

Your ex has a lawyer who is more savvy than your lawyer.  

Your ex has more $$$ to navigate the system in his direction.

You have no lawyer and are representing yourself in court.  

You are coming across too emotional.........too subjective and not objective enough, e.g.  not sticking to the facts; things that can be proven.  

There is something in your past or present that isn't looking good on your behalf.

"I agree; women have to  like Oprah or some very conservative type to get by in this situation. The challenge is for me is that I am a stay-true-to-myself person.  I do not function well if I try to be someone else.  I hate it that we as women are judged so harshly.".............Play whatever game you have to in regards to getting what you need and be "true to you" when you have nothing to lose.  You will be heard, seen and look more credible when you are factual, to the point and showing no emotion.  Just think of court as a business meeting and you are negotiating.........it's ALL in the delivery.  Stay "true to you" and get the short end of the stick OR revamp your approach and get what you want and need.  If this doesn't work then it's probably another factor I mentioned above.

Oprah gets what she wants 99.9% of the time (she did have a problem in Switzerland with a racial incident) because Oprah knows how to play the game and she is probably "true to herself" when she is behind close doors and counting her millons smiling.  

[AnnieBrooke]

A final thought.  Where you say the lawyers and judge minimize your ex's behavior  --  some things a person does are legally applicable to decisions in a custody case and others are not, even if they hit you emotionally.  The court can only look at the criteria that have been determined (by the law) to apply to decisions regarding custody.  (Unless the judge feels like writing new law, which a lot of judges don't want to do.)  A person can do things that irritate the holy heck out of his ex, without them being legally significant for determining child custody.  Your lawyer should be able to tell you when what he has done is simply irritating (such as, getting a girlfriend after you were separated) and when it meets the criteria that the law has determined apply to issues of custody (such as, he has moved to a crack house and there is gunfire outside every night).  Part of you being disregarded with your evidence and complaints might possibly be that although you have complaints and evidence, the things you are complaining of, don't apply because the judge cannot consider them.

[specialmom]

Anniebrooke has given you sage advice.  It sounds so hard and I'm really sorry you are going through this.  Just get through it.  Dress the part, play the role and be you as soon as it is over!  I agree it is worth it for your kids.  But also agree that it truly stinks you have to do it that way.  

Big hugs.  Hope it all works out for you hon.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Oprah would win this case and she would not have to raise her voice.  ;)

[AnnieBrooke]

By "who can help you with the pose you need," I mean, an African American woman would understand (without having to learn it from a book) the pitfalls and judgements of being African American in a white man's world, and would be able to help you handle the cognitive dissonance you feel in your psyche when you have to act differently than you feel.  It helps to have a sympathetic ally, even if you are cooking up something of a performance.

I will tell you, from being there at the lawyer's table when a client in a divorce was screaming and yelling at her ex in front of the judge over a set of china and some CDs, lawyers whisper behind their hands (about the screaming and yelling client's attorney) "I sure hate it when someone has poor client control."  Every lawyer has heard this, and none want to be in that spot.  If your present counselor has not gotten through to you that she wants you to behave a certain way, she is either not managing you properly or she doesn't know what she is doing.  See if you can find someone better.

Good luck.

[AnnieBrooke]

You do not have to continue to use a legal representative you don't like.  Ask for someone else to represent you, preferably a very conservative-looking white male who the judge knows from law school.

To thine own self be true is great, but being emotional is going to lose you what you want. A court case is a finite period of time, and world judges by appearances.  Please also understand, it is not only brown women in divorces who have to act differently to prevail in a court of law, white male defendants have to do it just as often.  They are (most of the time) just better at hiding their irritation at having to play the game.  Maybe it's all of those sports, guys will play the game if they want to win.  You just have to be able to handle what it takes to look good to the judge.

I'd find another legal advisor and also a good shrink, a black woman who can help you with the pose you will need to get this done.  Or, be true to yourself and see your chances for custody go lower with every emotional statement you make.  I'm sorry to talk so plainly, but I assume you want your child more than anything else in the world,

[brownhair]

You made some great points. He is African American as well, but his skin tone is much lighter than mine.  I agree; women have to  like Oprah or some very conservative type to get by in this situation. The challenge is for me is that I am a stay-true-to-myself person.  I do not function well if I try to be someone else.  I hate it that we as women are judged so harshly. Then, I have two strikes against me, being brown and female.  I am very emotional in this situation. It is hard not too be. The counselor is a woman but not brown or caucasian.  I think I am most hurt by how she disregards me, because she IS a counselor and woman.

[AnnieBrooke]

Is he also African American?  Are the judge or either attorney?  If so, they probably are treating you about the same way they would treat any woman in a relationship with any man, meaning, they will defer more to the man.  (This is especially true if the woman does anything that can be characterized by her husband's lawyer as illogical, angry, loud or emotional.  Men like their women pretty and sweet, which doesn't usually work in a divorce, so the woman is doubly screwed, she has to play nice but playing nice often loses.)  In short, if prejudice is coming into play, it is just as likely to be due to you being female as to being African American.  If he has a good divorce lawyer (i.e., a mean one) you can bet he is playing the judge like a violin on your appearance, your behavior, and your calmness or lack thereof.

If your husband is Caucasian, there is every chance racism is also present (either subconscious or encouraged by his lawyer); after all, subconscious racism exists in society, why would it be any different in court?  You will have to be active to overcome racist assumptions, but they mercifully can be overcome.  What overcomes racism is class consciousness, ironically enough.  If you can demonstrate success and the resulting privileges that come with it, you can overcome racial stereotyping.  To do this, up your class-symbols cards.  Be sure your lawyer knows about your advanced degree and your great parenting skills.  Whenever you see your lawyer, his lawyer, or the judge, wear all the symbols of conservative success.  Dress from Brooks Brothers, makeup and hair like someone running for the Senate, documents perfectly organized in your costly and conservative briefcase, personal life appropriate for someone applying to be assistant to Mother Teresa, modulated tones when speaking, logic, rationality, and no anger.  You not only want to avoid playing into racist assumptions, you want to fight them at all levels -- if it means you have to present yourself differently than you would otherwise choose, it's worth the prize of your child.