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Avatar universal

Separated from husband - to reconcile or divorce?

My husband and I are married, but currently separated.  We have 3 young children whom we both love more than anything.  Our marriage has always been "comfortable"; no real conflicts, it might even describe it as boring, but in a good way. We got along well more as roommates and friends, rather than as lovers and life partners.  
About 1.5 years ago, I began to imagine a different life - and I met someone who wants that life with me.  This prompted my husband and I to separate and I began a relationship with this amazing man.  The new man wants to get married and be a step-father to my kids, and start a family of our own ASAP.  He is everything I ever wanted and imagined.  I truly believe he is the one true love of my life.
However... there is something holding me back.  I have been devastated by not seeing my kids every day.  My husband and I are fantastic co-parents.  But the thought of missing/sharing birthdays, Christmas mornings, etc. and shuffling the kids back-and-forth between two households for the rest of their lives is killing me.  My children ask all the time "are you getting back together with daddy?  when can we all live together again?"  It breaks my heart.  
My question is - should I reconcile with my husband?  Staying married to my husband would allow my children a life of stability and I could be there for every moment of their lives.  This would mean remaining personally unfulfilled.   Or should I continue with the new man?  I would feel so alive and happy with him.  But it means I lose 50% of the time with my children.
I am torn and heartbroken thinking about either decision.  How can one chose? I only want what's best for everyone, but I know there is going to be a lot of pain for many people.  
4 Responses
Avatar universal
In my leanings you should move on. There is not more important you can do for your children than show them what a real, loving relationship is like. Something they can aspire towards.

Yes, it sucks missing those days. Or going on vacations and seeing families. But when you do find the right relationship and demonstrate this to your children they will see.

I didn't have that growing up. And I married my mom. I got yelled at. I got sent to the basement if I left a dish dirty. I didn't know what love was.

Go find love and show them. They will miss the old family. They will whine and complain. But in 20 years... when/if they go find a partner, show them what to look for.

3 years of therapy and counting...
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am pro family.  Once you made kids together . . . their needs come first.  A relationship that wasn't a raging mess but 'comfortable' as you describe it is just fine for kids.  That's just my opinion as a mother and a person who had divorced parents.  Secondly, second marriages or relationships where kids involved have a fail rate of a whopping 98%.  It's very difficult to ever find another person that will feel the way you do about your kids besides your current husband.  And conflict arises.  

The reality is, and I'm not judging, but you met the new man WHILE married. This will cause problems down the road. Because he knows the truth.  You WILL move on when the mood strikes you.  You did it when you met him.  You'll do it to him down the road.  Maybe not, but he'll always be suspicious of you as you met through infidelity.  If you were to ever have a chance of a stable relationship with someone, meeting when you are single after a break following a divorce would be your best chance.  And you'll also know that he has the character of someone that will go after a married woman with kids.  The true odds of your current relationship sustaining long term is quite slim.

Put your kids first in my opinion.  But that's only my opinion.
Avatar universal
Not an easy one. This new man is really rocking your world  and you feel like you come alive when you're with him. It would be lovely to believe that you could be like this for the rest of your days, but the reality is that eventually the new relationship will probably become mundane too, unless you know how to keep your relationship alive. You already have two kids and know how full on that is already.The question is do you really want to have more kids  and end up with two failed marriages and 4 kids?  I wonder if it's an idea to examine what went wrong with your first marriage first before you jump straight into another one.  Having kids put a tremendous strain on a relationship and  yours are still young? Is there any chance of rekindling what once was?  I left a relationship of 14 years 7 years ago. My kids were 8 and 13. I wouldn't have done it differently, but  in my experience the grass is not greener on the other side and as people get older lives get more complicated, you are also right about the  fact that you don't get to see your kids as often. My ex and I had them one week on and off,  and at the age of 13 my daughter decided to go and live with her Dad for a year and a half. That was extremely hard to deal with and I hardly saw her in that time. She now lives with me again, but our relationship has changed. My kids are now 16 and 20 and I don't feel like  we are a proper family. It all feels very fragmented and I do feel sad for the life that could have been, but at the same time it wouldn't have worked.  I think it's definitely worth imagining the future and to not just be in the here and now. I know you can never know of course, but it's worth looking at what's important to you. Just remember the kids do grow up at some point.
Avatar universal
Hope this will help. Why did you marry your husband in the first place? It's because of love, right? If fulfillment you're looking for, making your marriage work could bring you fulfillment as a parent. Try to undergo counselling with your husband and do something to bring back the spark that was once lost.
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