1293643 tn?1283863034

What are the stages of heartbreak after seperation?

My husband of 24 years has entered mid-life crisis and left me - if someone had said this would happen six months ago I would have thought they were mad.

We were - I thought - happy, we had achieved our goals and looking forward to the rest of our lives etc etc - then he has an affair and the man I thought was my best friend is not that person, he's changed and we're now separated and heading for divorce..... I don't know him any more.

For two months I was angry, for two months I felt I was finally free, I know feel so down...... I know more about our relationship and where it went 'wrong' but there was nothing I could have done (even with hindsight) to stop it - it was in his head - but I feel so despondent......

Can someone talk to me - help me understand? - tell me this will pass.......
10 Responses
Avatar universal
When things first started to fall apart for me I didn't know what was happening with me. I was confused and out of control. Normally I am a controlled person but this seemed to come from nowhere. I had a great relationship with my wife and a great family life. It was about five months before I realised that I was having a life crises and accepting it was an enormous step forward for me because it enabled me to regain some control of my feeling and to start deal with it. I now realise that it was something that I had to come to terms with, no one could have help me before that moment. In the begining I wanted to just get away from everthing, run away, but I knew deep inside that this was not the right thing to do so I fought the urge and I'm glade I did.

My wife still deals with the trust issue, even thought there was no physical affair. We both have gone through a lot of changes during this period and the one thing we do is to get away together a lot more often. Things will never be as they were but there have been a lot of positives come from it and that is were we focus.

I'm sorry that you are hurting and I have seen it in my wife. We talked alot about what happened and sometimes it was painful for both of us but it helped to repair the sense of betrayal I caused her. I didn't mean to hurt her, I just lost control of everything. I know that over time things will settle down one way or the other. You have to stay strong. It is a slow process either way. Talking here has been a big help to me and I also talk to another friend and she has been supportive as well. Don't bottle it up.

I hope some day that I can get that peace back in my life.

You take care.
Avatar universal
hi sorry to hear about your breakup, some people can settle to early then 20 years later decide they wanna be 21 again,it doesnt work like that they find out and wonder what they have, it something most relationships go through and very difficult time, my mum n dad were together for 25 yrs and she turned one valentines day n said i dont love you no more and left and left the kids with my dad too, basically she started work met another man and moved in with him one week after, this will pass but takes longer for you because you're the one whos hurting, has you spoken to your hubby to see what can make it right?
1186413 tn?1326730549
Here are the stages of grief 1. denial 2. anger 3. bargining 4. depression and 5. acceptance.  I am so sorry you are going through this pain.  Nobody should have to do that.  It is going to take some time to heal but it WILL happen.  I would suggest just to get your through this try and get some counseling for yourself.  You are worth it.  He has a problem and unfortunatly you are the one who got hurt in the end.  Again I am so sorry this has happened.  Good luck hun.
145992 tn?1341345074
I was also going to say to google the stages of grief and it's the same.  When you lose a spouse, even if it's not to death, the steps are very similar.  It's like the death of your relationship.  It's good to grieve it and then move on.  All I can say is take it one day at a time and don't get upset at yourself if it takes you a while.  It's just a natural process.  Make sure to keep busy and I agree, counseling will help you.  Some people just don't know what they have until it's gone.  The woman your husband is having an affair with, well that relationship won't last.  He will most likely realize that the grass isn't greener.  Good luck.
Avatar universal
Yes, I agree. Being married that long to someone and then them up and splitting, is the same as them dying. The results on the emotional health is one in the same. My heart goes out to you. I think it sad after so long. It seems worse somehow, than when you were not together this many years.
1293643 tn?1283863034
I think it would have been easier if he had died - there would have been the good memories, and the sympathy and the knowledge that it was OVER.

Now all the good memories are shadowed by what he has done, there's no sympathy or I feel it's odd, and there are still these love/hate emotions when I think of his treachery.
Avatar universal
It must have left your with horrendous feelings of hurt and betrayal. Maybe it would help you move on if you look at life in chapters. That chapter of life is over and try to look at the positive that may lay ahead of you in the next one. It is hard for me to advise you because I would be devastated to the point of not being able to function. Possibly a little bit of therapy? I have a friend that was going thru hormone changesfrom menapause. She did the same thing and up and left. Now she wishes she could go back in time and reverse her decision, but of course she cannot as he has since moved on. I think when one has been true to their wedding vows and meant forever after it does not leave room for the possibility emotionally,  of something like this happening. It is like being knocked off your very foundation leaving you with that feeling of what now? My heart goes out to you for sure and I hope you can move past this and be blessed with such happiness that it is beyond your wildest dreams. Hugs.
Avatar universal
My heart goes out to you. I know all too well the pain that this is causing you. When it happened to me I lost control of my feelings and I just fell apart. My wife and I stuck together and we have been able to put things back together, though there are still times when the hurt that I caused her, surfaces. There were times when I thought that it would have been better if I had died, I wasn't suicidal, I just thought that it would have been easier for my wife to cope with. She could have grieved and moved on. I actually said to God one day whilst driving," if a truck took me out today I would be happy". Thankfully He saw fit not to.
I don't have any solutions, as it is still hard for me, but you have to look after yourself first. Talking to others has helped me. If you have any questions I would be happy to talk if you think it would help.

Take care.
1293643 tn?1283863034
The problem is that my kicking him out has actually given him the impetus to get his act more together, get off prescription medication and anti-depressants ....... and get more together than he has been for years.....

He's even hinting that after some time (??) we could get back together, and he's telling mutual friends that he doesn't want a divorce.... but not that he wants us to get back together again....

I don't know if he's for real or he doesn't want to face a divorce court - financially we're OK - but he will fight it if he feels backed into a corner .... that is if I don't go along with whatever he wants and that will be so senseless....  I don't know what to do....

But BUT and it's a big but, I know how manipulative he is and he's still seeing this other person and I can't trust him - I feel so shattered it's excruciating and I'm usually a full on optimist - I have been happy and bouncy my whole life - so I don't know how to deal with this sense of hurt.

Avatar universal
First you must decide what it is that you want. If you want to get together again fine, but do not sacrifice your self in the process. The ball is in his court, see what he is really about and take it from there. Take this time apart to evaluate your life as well. You never know, you may decide you have had enuff drama. But wait and see what he is willing to do to get back with you so you dont just continue from where you left off.
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