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Avatar universal

calling it quits

I
I posted awhile back about my husband not being there for me during a difficult period (taking care of elderly parents - mother since passed).  My plan was to stick it out until my dad passes (and I am not rushing him) and then get a divorce and move to be near my son.  (Under "am I justified to feel as I do"
For the past 6 months (at least) my husband is never around, we never do anything together, he is not there for me emotionally.  He spends all his spare time with "his friends" usually at the bar.  Comes home whenever he feels like it and expects dinner -  you get the picture.  I have tried to talk to him but he avoids that totally.  So this morning instead of leaving for work I woke him up (oh yes - he sleeps until whenever - owns his own business) and told him we HAD to talk.  He tried to get out of it but couldn't.  So after much prodding he finally says "I haven't been happy for awhile now.  I don't know where I want to be, what I want to do, I don't know if I want to keep my business - I don't know anything"  -  So I ask "what do you expect me to feel and do?"  and he says "It's always about you isn't it?"  Well that pissed me off and I said "In this instance yes - It it effecting me more than you care to know"  So he says basically he doesn't care how I feel or what I do and maybe we should just get a divorce and be done with it - follows with the statement "I know you are not going to do this amicably - you are going to make it so the lawyers get a bunch of money while you try to F___ me"
I never had intentions of F____ him - all I want is what I am entitled to, but with that comment I am not so sure any more.  Thanks all for listening
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377600 tn?1225163436
Sounds like a typical angry marital row.
I don't believe in divorce.  I believe that people go through periods and phases in life that are hard to deal with and spouses are supposed to help each other--if they are having trouble--they should see a counselor.

I think you need an attitude change, and I think you need to talk to him about counseling--and his attitude will change.

Get divorced if you want to, but it would not be the choice for me.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I can appreciate your feeling about divorce.  My husband won't even talk about what is going on - he either runs out the door or doesn't come home - I agree spouses are "supposed" to be there for each other -  Do you know where he was when I got an emergency call about my parents??  In the bar - and wouldn't answer his phone when I tried calling him because I was so upset - so I called a friend instead.  And when he did come home my friend was still there with me and when I told him what had happened he shrugged his shoulders.  Or how about when I called him after I got to NY (where my parents were) - crying because I was so overwhelmed - what did he say "what the F__ do you want me to do - don't lay this **** on me"  -  Oh I know - how about when I decided to bring my parents out to where I live (to a nursing home) so I could be closer to them - did he fly out there with me to help me during the trip back (my mom had alzheimers) - oh no - he had to go fishing -  How about this past Xmas Eve - the nite my mom died - I was by her side and when I got home did he even ask how I was doing or come over and give me a hug - HELL NO - so don't tell me I need to change my attitude and "talk" to him about counseling - Enough I enough -
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377600 tn?1225163436
Don't ask for opinions if you are going to be rude about the suggestions:)
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Avatar universal
Counseling would be best.  You are going through a hard time right now and it's easy for us to get wrapped up in self pity and your kids are grown so largely it probably doesn't matter.  Heck they do say one person usually decides six months before to break up the relationship before they talk to their partner.

But just for future reference since guys will often not bring this up.  Do you really know what your husbands problems are?  I know one older gentleman who got hit with a speech like you gave who had been worried about what he called a rash and some other problems and it turned out that he had skin and lymph cancer when it was checked.

Quite honestly if you have had so many problems your husband could very easily have started out trying to "protect" you from added stress and as you shared more of your problems while he was handling his alone began to resent how your problems had "priority" and his had none.  As this happens he would gradually have distanced himself to spend more time with people who he could share stuff with.

I notice you said he has his own business?  Do you help with it?  What type of work do you do?  Are you in similar professions?

As I said you have made up your mind in this instance and probably won't change it but just remember in every conversation there are to world  views and we have the hardest time trying to see the one which is not ours.
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Avatar universal
People do not wake people wanting a real conversation.  You woke him up wanting a fight.  You were awake feeling resentful and wanted him to feel like you did.  After re-reading your post I have to say I think you are filled with hate and bile, and quite honestly from the way your post read I think you do not sound like the type of person who would seek mediation in a divorce but rather would go straight for the throat.

Wish you well, just be glad that their aren't kids that will be used as tools and intermediaries in this dispute.
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Avatar universal
I remember your post. Yes, it is time to get yourself a divorce attorney. Sadly they get all the money and it doesn't seem like this can be settled in a nice way. So I say let the games begin. Good Luck.

Dove
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Avatar universal
I woke him up because that is the ONLY time he is not drunk.  I have tried to "make an appointment" with him to talk but he says he does not have time.  Full of hate and bile?? Probably so - have you ever had your spouse walk or I should say stagger in every single nite - drunk, incoherent, and making foul remarks ???  
No I an not involved in his business - his wishes - but I do have a full time job.  And yes I know what his problems are - he grew up with a Dad that was never home - the Dad had a mistress - still does to this day - same women and he is 75 - the Mom held the fort down alone - lived her entire life "married" alone - so my husband thinks this is normal - he wants total 100% freedom, but wants me there to cook, clean, wash, get the bills paid etc.  He has no regard for my feelings and has said as much.  He doesn't think he has to "answer to me "  ie letting me know what time he will be home.  Hell - he left Saturday afternoon to go "riding" with some friends - said he would stay at his friends that nite but would be home sunday -  did he come home sunday?? NO  did he call??? NO - have I yet to hear from him this morning ???? NO  -  
give me a break
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Avatar universal
I find it very interesting that you can some of you can come up with pat answers without really knowing the facts. You are focusing in on what she sounds like, anger, full of bile, not willing to work it out. A marriage takes 2 to decide to weather the storms, adjust, change with the circumstances. Her husband has left the marriage, emotionally,physically, but expecting her to keep thing going that benefit him.  In a marriage you are suppose to care about your spouse and their welfare. Want the best for them to help and support them. When one person become self seeking and only concerned about themselves and their fullfillment with out concern for their wifes. something is not right. Anger? How about hurt, rejection, feeling betrayed, abandoned, alone, carring the load of responsibilities? Anger? I would say so, pushed to the point of last resort, self preservation. Although we should do everything to stay in our marriage it was never to the point of destruction to the people in it. I do believe in marriage and in most cases you can save it if two are both willing parties.Instead of judgement how about support, she had supported her husband and sick parents even unto death. She has not had support, how about reaching out with the concern for her, support her. What if this was your sister, mother, friend.How about I am sorry for what you have had to go through,
It sounds like you have really tried, I am sure it has been difficult Look
to the hurting heart. We are to encourage one another and love one another and pray for one another. Lets pray for her stength to withstand what has come against her and support her in what she needs to do to survive her situation. This is not a flippent dicision on her part.Lets help her not cause her more pain.   I have been married for 42 years and gone through some tough waters we were lucky we survived because we both wanted to. It has given me wisdom and experience that not everything is black and white, and not everybody can fit into the same catagory, their are special circumstances that can't work. God never intended marriage to destroy but to build up one another.  God bless!
From Nana G.G.
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Avatar universal
Have I had a partner drugged out, drunk etc. Yep and since we weren't married I can't find her or my son but DCFS sent me a letter stating they found neglect/abuse.

I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl and I put up with stuff that no one should half to because I was the main one taking care of my son while she engaged in various behaviors I did my best to ignore with some of her wiccan and druidic friends who believed in polyamory.

And in my first marriage ...

Lets just leave it at if the person you meet seems like you've known them forever and you have been in primarily abusive relationships, run.
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377600 tn?1225163436
Nana,

I don't think I gave a pat answer.  She is unwilling to be reasonable--you can tell from the posts and how she attacks people.
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373034 tn?1204154028
I agree with you both.  She does not sound like a reasonable, understanding, helpfull spouse.  Sounds to me like she wants him to be there for her, while she is there for her parents, and nobody is there for him when he is obviously also needing someone.  

While I think that children should (in most cases) help care for their elderly or ailing parents; it does not excuse them from their marriages.  Also, not everyone deals with death and sickness the same.  My fiance's mother just had a stroke.  She was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks, (they had everything under control and just wanted to monitor).  My fiance went to see her every day.  I didn't go one single time.  I love her dearly and don't want to lose her at all.  I just don't like the hospitals and machines.  I spoke with her on the phone.  I would not have appreciated my fiance judging the way I dealt with this.  I would assume that Scotty would think of me as unsupportive.

Scotty,   If your husband is in the bar every night it must really be miserable at home with you.  Where did this come from?  Are your parents and their ailments all you ever talk about?  Has he gotten any attention from you?  He sounds very depressed and instead of helping (which is your job as his wife) it sounds like all you do is complain.  I would be in the bar too.

I don't believe in divorce.  He is not cheating(that you stated).  He is not beating you.  Your marriage sounds fixable.  You don't sound like you are willing to take your vows seriously and fix it though.  Stop putting all of your stress on him.  Maybe he will stop putting his onto you.  Try to have fun with him.  You must have had fun at one time.  Try to remember what that was like.
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Avatar universal
I feel that you both need a complete separation,not a divorce. I think sometimes by being apart for a period of time helps the other and you think more clearly without the tension thats there when you are both at home. Hes says he doesnt know where he wants to be so give him the time he needs to figure things out away from home and you.
There is too much tension for him and you to think clearly.
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Avatar universal
there is too much taken for granted here and by separating most learn to appreciate the other all over again.
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377600 tn?1225163436
I agree with redneckmom--must be bad at home to be in the bar so much.  Nagging can drive anyone to drink. Not being mean--just being truthful.  You have to let things go before you can fix anything.
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100019 tn?1335919717
You guys are being awfully harsh and judgemental towards her.

It sounds like to me she should have kicked his butt out the door alooooooooong time ago.
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Avatar universal
Sounds like for all practical purposes she already did that emotionally and practically.  I just hope that with as venomous as she sounds that he has a much better lawyer than she does.
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Avatar universal
Please Don't give alcohol's justification.  Living with an alcoholic was not a forum when she posted - because she would have been much better off posting there. They would have responded to the issue with more insight. Isn't this a place someone can also vent when they need to get some support? Not judged how how their post sounds. Just a little food for thought :)
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Avatar universal
unconditional support?  Missed that part on the user agreement for medhelp.

Personally I think she should move out, get an apartment where she can think, concentrate on her job and taking care of her parents etc...
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Avatar universal
I am very sorry that most of you do not understand alcoholism.  He is at the bar because he is an alcoholic.  I did not cause him to be an alcoholic. I can't "cure" it., and I can't control it.  He is emotionally unavailable to anybody.  He is incapable of loving anything including himself, He thinks of nothing but his next drink.  He is not unique - it is the DISEASE - and I do know that.  However, living with it is another story.  
But for the grace of God you have not been put in that situation.  
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212161 tn?1599427282
It think you should do whts right in your Heart, no one can put you down or tell you how you are acting by reading a letter thats funny, and they sure cant tell you what your husband is doing and why. so i can say if i was in your shoes ( which am not) i would find the best lawyer and throw his A-- out. no one has to live with that kind of treatment and i know i would never live with a DRUNK. and for someone not to give you the time of day when you lost your mom and taking care of your dad than hes not in my opinion worthless. i dont live in your house so i cant say what you should do but i know for a fact been there i would not put up with his **** one more day. i wish you all the luck. Barbara
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177641 tn?1189755837
Growing up I watched my mom live with my alcoholic father. I always thought that she was the bad guy in their many arguments until I got old enough to understand why she was upset all the time. He paid the bills and she raised the kids. But there was no relationship. After years of his not coming home after work, not calling even after disappearing for a few days, coming home with banged up vehicles, my mom would be ready to rage on him. Of course he'd have all kinds of excuses and would say the same things - "it's always about you" or "you're just never happy are you?" He was always the victim because he worked so hard and had to come home to my mother - the raving b**ch that she was (apparently). He never acknowledged not coming home for days on end with no phone call, showing up at functions reeking of alcohol, or yelling uncontrollably at his kids. To this day he claims he can't remember half the things he's done - hurtful things that you and you alone get to carry with you, while he continues drinking "to forget his problems".

When you say that people who haven't lived with an alcoholic don't understand, you're absolutely right. All they see is the angry miserable wife who is SO bit*hy that "no wonder he drinks - to put up with her". People who remind you over and over again that "at least he's not beating you" will never understand because they think you're dealing with one rational, reasonable person. They don't realize it can be like managing multiple personality disorder, where the person is sweet and wonderful when they're NOT drunk, but switch from day to night once they've had a moment alone with the bottle. They don't understand that any sober agreements you make with the loved one disappear into their drunken alter ego - not to mention any drunken agreements you make ALSO disappear when they're sober. You're living with someone whose reality is constantly changing. I say you know what you're going through and you can see what it's costing you - you don't deserve to live your life in the shadow of someone's substance abuse.

Get out and rebuild your life. If I could ask my mom to do anything differently with her life, it would have been to leave her husband a long time ago. It wasn't worth the damage that will be with her and her children for the rest of their lives. Good luck.
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Avatar universal
Your right don't know anything about alcholism or substance abuse.

Not personally because I have been very careful because I've lived with alcholics, drug abusers (pick the substance) etc.

And personally one thing that I would like to know,  and we won't heat it from you is what he was like when he married you.

I have seen what a person who feels trapped will do to escape, and quite honestly what your husband is doing sounds a lot like that.
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198506 tn?1251156915
Bravo, Slow_healer.  

Good luck to you, Scotty2
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Avatar universal
My exact words, happy2girs, when I saw slowhealers post. so it again, BRAVO! BRAVO!

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