Divorce & Breakups Community
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Avatar universal

husband left me.

My husband dumped me after 18 years of marrage.  I am sad and having trust issues.  i feel lonely and like I can't talk to anyone about anything, even though I have many freinds who constantly ask me to please call and talk!  

He didn't earn money for ten years nor did he complete any of his big projects he was doing instead of earning a living.  He blames me for not supporting him emotionally, and yet refuses to acknowledge the ten years of effort and the support I provided that allowed him to not have to work a day-job, which would have also kept him from acheiving his dreams.  He left me because he got the crazy idea in his head that he'll achieve them easier without me, but he needs my money to do so, since he isn't about to start working now when he's so close to making it.  

Women divorce support groups seem to be all about kid issues and almony (getting it) issues, but we have no kids and I'm worried about paying alimony, not getting it.  

I want him back every day.  I can't take him back to let him treat me as an ATM either.  He's not going to come back anyway.  I want him to just come home and go back to the way things were. I greive every day over the loss of my best freind, my moral compass, my source of snuggles, my bedwarmer, my everything.

Any help or words of kindsness are welcome.  Suggestions for people to call in London UK also appreciated.
15 Responses
Avatar universal
Oh! girl didn't your mom ever teach you the most important thing ,men are evil and to be happy you can't get to close to them,even your husbands..That may sound bad but it's so true. Emotionally their thought process is tweaked.After all men are visual ,women respond to touch, feeling with our soul, men don't.I'm so sorry for your pain. Its never to late to start over.Listen to that song,Survivor,Destiny's Child call a radio station and request it. In your case its very true, the him taking all your money thing. And don't pay him a dime, counter sue and you get alimony,make him get off his *** and support you for once.Don't wish for that negativity back in your life. You don't need him, be strong and stand on your own. You want something to keep you warm at night get a dog.I didn't mean to sound harsh,rent some girl power movies about strong powerful women that don't need men to validate their existance. Take care, I'm praying for the healing of your emotional wounds.Don't allow him to damage you financially any longer either.
Avatar universal
Beachwalker33 - Looks like you've got some serious issues of your own.  Some man must have really treated you badly for you to hate all men so much.  But please - don't go round preaching that all men are evil.  We're not.  You're not helping other people deal with their issues with that sort of attitude.  Yes, there are some a-holes in the world, some of them are men (and I know one or two), some are women (and I know one or two of them too).  The world also has lots of decent, honourable, good people, of both genders.

upperdownerinsideout - I feel for you.  18 years is a long relationship to come to an end like this.  You clearly still care for and love your husband, and are missing him badly.  People who start posts on this board are frequently feeling hurt and upset, and emphasise the bad points that have led to a bad situation in their relationship, but most relationships have their good points too, and I'm sure yours did.  If it didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much.

After saying all that, you seem pretty clear that it is over, that he is not going to come back.  All you can do now is try and get through these tough times, the grieving over the loss of this marriage, eventually you will get past it and be able to move on with your life.  It's not easy.  Maybe, in time, you will meet someone else, but don't rush anything, your ability to trust has been (understandably) damaged, it will take time for that to repair.

Try to look forward, rather than dwelling on the past.  Look to the new opportunities you have now.  You can go where you want, when you want, without needing to take someone else into account, since you have no children.  Now you are not supporting him you will have more money to spend on yourself.  Get involved in some sort of hobby or sport.  Distract yourself with fun stuff, rather than sitting around dwelling on what you have lost and cannot get back.

I haven't got any specific numbers you could call in London, but if you are finding it hard to open up to friends about this you could probably benefit from seeing a counsellor, there are plenty that specialise in this sort of thing and they are easier to talk to.
Avatar universal

I've met very few evil men in my lifetime, and my STBX isn't one of them.  The good times were the entire 18 years.  Sure, we had occasional fights and disagreements, but weighing it out, I enjoyed his company so much that I let other relationships lapse in favour of spending more time with him.  We each of us only have so many hours in a day, and spending those hours being around him was easy and much more relaxing than spending them without him. Alas, apparently he didn't feel the same way.

If you're that upset about men, you should consider cognitive behavior therapy to get down to the root of your anger and remove it.  Men are much less different than you think they are, it's just they've got thier jiggly bits in different places.  


You're so right.  If he wasn't such a great guy, I'd be singin' and dancin' right now instead of moo-ing over him.  I'm doing what you suggested; I've booked several holidays over the next two years and look forward to seeing and doing things I haven't done.  I've enrolled in classes studying things I've always wanted to learn, and even though it's not that much fun right now, I still organize time with other people - going out to the movies and what not.  But for example, right now I'm sitting at my computer (I work from home), and I'm not facing the mountain of work, I'm all moo-ey instead.

We're going to see a divorce counsellor next month.  I'll see about getting some referrals to a CBT-type of therapy; I find talk therapy's lack of goals and direction about as frustrating as I found my husband's lack of goals and direction.

The scariest bit is the long nights (like tonight) alone.  I don't like pubs, clubs, and bars, unless I'm going with a crowd that I like, and as I said to BeachWalker, I've stupidly got about zero relationships left outside of work (daytime), family (stateside), and the freinds I stayed in contact with from my single years (20+ years on and all stateside).

Avatar universal
I know what you mean about therapy having lack of goals and directions.  When I first started myself (due to the ongoing collapse of my marriage) I was hoping for more directions, advice, planning, targets, ACTION.  Instead it was closer to me just blabbering on to someone, while they asked questions and occasionally guided the conversation in one direction or another.  Eventually I've learned to value this approach, it helps me get stuff clearer in my head, understand what I think, and to make those decisions and plans myself.  But, like I said, it wasn't entirely what I thought it would be.  Maybe counsellors in the UK are not quite the same thing, or don't work in the same way, as the therapists in the US?

I'm not much of one for going out on my own either, except to a darkened cinema, so I can understand how you could find yourself lonely and at a loose end in the evenings.  I hope the classes you're taking fill some of the evenings for you, and that they give you an opportunity to make new friends.  In time, I'm sure you will get more local friends.  For the other nights, try joining a DVD rental company such as LOVEFiLM (you can find deals for 1 month or even more for free) and renting some feelgood movies that will cheer you up - or whatever sort of film you enjoy but didn't watch very often before because your husband wasn't so into that genre.
Avatar universal
Thanks.  You're very helpful.  
627145 tn?1230305626
You sound like a person with a lot more to offer than your husband has.  I am confident you will find somebody in the future who is a better match.  It is very stimulating when you find a man who DOES have goals and interests and the ability to get things done.  Somebody who is satisfied with his career and hobbies.  You'll most likely meet him while you are enjoying one of your favorite pasttimes/hobbies.  Hopefully one of yours is something outdoors and athletic.  There seem to be a lot of men out there looking for women who share their love of the outdoors and healthy activities, at least here in the States.  

I hope the laws protect your income from this guy who, I'm sorry, has been mooching off you and now is discarding you.  He needs a wake-up call in his life.  
Avatar universal
Thank you Fuzzz!
Avatar universal
I have so much to say here today i'm not sure where to start. My husband left me sept 2006 I was also pregnant with our son at that time. I was in so much pain I thought I couldn't make it through this my whole world seemed to just fall down right in front of my eyes. I was all alone just me and my kids God was there also but it was so many days and nights all I could do was cry. When we got married we were both saved he was a new born again christian we were going to church together I really believed that God sent me this man to be my husband. Well shortly after we got married he backslid he didn't want to go to church any more everything just changed with him he turned into this man I didn't marry I don't know who he is. It's been such a painful situation for me I'm not happy I feel forsaken he cheated on me so may times he's just out there doing whatever. I have prayed for him so much and cryed out to God for him it hurts when someone leaves you. He is still living in another state we talk sometime he don't want a divorce but he sure isn't making any effort to try and work on his marriage to me. I feel as if this is a dead issue i'm so tired of crying it's bad enough he is not a father to his son so I have given up on him and this messed up situation. I want out of this pain and shame and suffering that this has brought on me I'm filling for a divorce. I talked to him about it and he got an attitude with me I told him I want to be free so he said he will free me and file for the divorce. I don't want to go through another year of this **** no more ever.
Avatar universal
Honey i know how you are feeling my husband left me and my 4 year old son five days ago, i kind of saw it coming because we were having a lot of problems. You need to reach out to the people who love you and create a support system, i have my family and thank god for them because they have been there for me. I feel so hurt at times, then i feel ok then all i wanna do is cry but i have to stay strong because i cant let my lil boy see me falling apart all the time. And as for your ex i must tell you, hunny he is useing you and you will find someone or something else to fill the void in your life. You need to just move on and stop dwelling on it and just get rid of him because you only have one life and you dont know when its going to end and you deserve the best of yourself everyday, I have just been keeping myself busy and yes grieving is important too but within reason. Look at all this person did to you, did you ever deserve any of it, do you deserve to be an atm and to be used?? I dont think so, no one does. I know you want him back and to come home, i feel the same way sometimes, but thats just because i was comfortable living a certain way and now it seems that my whole world has turned upside down and the pain is so much i just dont want to deal with it, and it would all go away if he would just come home. But it wont, and it wont ever be the same if he does, i think everything happens for a reason and we need to just role with it because we cant change it. Look forward to the future, be the woman you were meant to be, and eventually you will find happiness,
Avatar universal
My husband left me just over a year ago for my friend, we were married for 16 years, together for 17 years we have no children together, although l have two adult independent children from my first marriage.
My husband has been living with her for the past year now, and through the year he has slowly stopped communicating with me, now he refuses to talk to me or come visit his step granddaughter aged 6, we brought her up since birth together and they formed a very strong bond.. he controls all the money as I  am not working and every month he cuts my budget...but l get by somehow.. he filed for a divorce in May 2013, and to date it has not been finalized as l refuse to sign the papers, I still love and care for him a great deal, this is the first time he has ever cheated on me and I want him back...and he knows how l feel, he refuses to talk to me, every time  he wants something from the home he asks my son to bring it to work for him, they both work at the same company, l can't understand why he refuses to come to the house.. stories have come back to me like he won't come because he's heard l am using witchcraft to get him back!!! that's a load of B/S!!!!, and the latest is he  won't come because he knows he will be told "this is wrong & that's wrong " in the home and needs repairs.. again B/S..I sort any repairs myself.. he's making excuses, just like he did on the divorce papers, when l asked him why he was giving false reasons for wanting the divorce, at first he couldn't answer me, then he said "because l don't have a reason or an excuse".. this woman he is with is the same age a me but very manipulative...my question is how do l get my husband to talk to me again?.. we had a good relationship,  we were the best of friends at one time, now he treats me like l have the plague.. this all started in April 2012 when my son and his fiancé were involved in a horrific car accident.. sadly my son's fiancé passed away and my son was in a coma for 7 weeks, that's when this woman made her move on my husband.. when both him and l were at our most venerable point in our lives....please help me How do l get him to at least communicate with me again???..when he sends me money at month end l text him to thank him and he responds like this : " Hi Luv you welcome, sorry its late, love to Heather take care thanx xx"....(Heather is his step granddaughter)
Is he going through Mid Life Crisis or what?? he turned 40 this year......PLEASE HELP ME!!
973741 tn?1342342773
I'm so sorry.  Yes.  It is really hard to mend a broken heart and deal with rejection.  The pain of having your husband leave you for a friend is awful.  I am SO sorry.  it's a constant reminder.  

I think your immediate problem is to find suitable employment.  any type of job will help and is a start.  then he doesn't control "all" the money.  You can begin taking courses too to get trained in something where you can make a living to be independent of him.  I'm not sure what the laws are in your state regarding spousal support but I do believe it can come to an end legally and you need to be prepared.  

While it hurts, I am sure the reason he doesn't come around is exactly what you state in your post---  that you love him and want him back.  He doesn't want the pressure and complications of facing that so stays away. His actions of divorcing you tell you where he is at and he isn't coming back.

Ugh, I hate saying that because I know it hurts.  But being in limbo is hard.  And you are there based on a fantasy that he'll change his mind.  It does worry me that you WANT him back.  Sure, he cheated ONE time but it was with your friend and he left you for her.  That's pretty huge and the right emotion is injustice, anger, furry.  

I would work on yourself.  Priority number one is your employment status and income potential that you provide for yourself.  Important to get that going.

It is sad for the stepgranddaughter.  Perhaps they can meet and a neutral party can drive her there (as I do think if you are involved it isn't about her but about you wanting him back again).  The truth is, some people do walk away from a step situation.  it's sad when it happens but it does.  Life stinks sometimes.

Do you have insurance??  Could you see a therapist to help sort out your feelings?
Avatar universal
Thank you specialmom.. I am not working due to ill health, l have a bookkeeping certificate..so I am making placemats and table cloths from home.. it doesn't bring in much.. but its something...I have tried counseling too, but l ended up feeling worse then when l first started.. thanks again for your advice.. God Bless you...oh by the way.. I live in Zimbabwe.
8976007 tn?1413330650
my sister is going through something similar except her husband did not leave her for her friend.
he states he still loves her and i believe he does.  his girlfriend is the one pushing him to file for divorce and trying to keep him from seeing or talking to my sister, but they have 4 kids so that is impossible.
she is heartbroken and refuses to give him the divorce because  it will just please his gf.
i will tell you like i tell my sister.  it would NEVER be the same even if he came back today.  you will never be able to trust him again.  ever.
i think the biggest reason your husband doesn't come around is because she said so.
move on with your life.  this will be the biggest mistake he ever made
9118730 tn?1401800652
You obviously have given more to the relationship than he did, and yet he didn't value it. So please forget this man and learn to love and value yourself. And please do not rely your happiness to anyone as you would only be bound to get hurt.
You owe it to yourself to be happy. We only have one lifetime, make the best of it.
Avatar universal
Don't blame yourself. It's okay to be sad and write about it. It sounds like he was unhappy with himself and didn't feel like a man without a job, etc. and he blamed you for what he didn't have but wanted. The good thing is that you are free to be with someone that is just like you with a job, has many friends, and supportive. I have a first hand experience with this, I'm the latter but I have a job.
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