Want my husband to come home...

[UnsureMS]

Here it goes time to tell my story. I have been with my husband 9 yrs and married 2 yrs. I love my husband very much. About three weeks ago he ran off with another woman or girl as I like to call her. She is 20 and he is 30. Anyways, since then I never have given up on our marriage nor our love. I am a true believer in God and so I pray everyday and I have began to go to church on a regular.

My husband use to believe too. But lately I am not sure he still has faith. What I can tell you is since he has left he hasn't been happy. This girl is nothing like me, nor does she show as much love as me. She has an ex that still is trying to come around and it maybe due to her two kids, but yet she hates my husband to contact me. We have no kids but we have alot to do to make this seperation official. I guess she is just being cautious.

Anyways, on Sunday at 2 am I recieved a call from him. He was crying and upset. He told me he always loved me and missed me and was sorry things turn out like they did. When I tried to talk him into coming home he would just say no and how ever everything turned out to remember he always loved me. Then today he texted me asking about our account which I can't get my name off of without him being there. Well, I let him know this and said we needed to setup a day. He kept changing the subject and then he said he was working. To try to make this shorter, I believe that he isn't wanting the seperation and that is why he won't come take care of it.

The next thing that got me today was that he texted a list of everything he ever has done wrong in our relationship and said that now I didn't have to deal with it and that he hoped I find someone to love me right. Well this made me cry and I want him back so I was honest. I told him I wouldn't be happy without him and that I believed in him. This whole conversation taking place on the new girls phone. He then told me we couldn't do that on that phone. He also said that he was going to have a crappy day because of it.. I told him to erase the messages or to let her know it was all me. That I am sorry but he still my husband.

His response was no I am going to let what happens happens...lol now her ex is texting for her to call him. I told him I would never disrespect him like that. The whole conversation was weird.

I believe he doesnt care about the relationship with this girl if he is willing to let her read the text or not tell her it was me. I also believe he isn't interested in seperation since he won't go through with the necessary steps. I found out that her and him fight all the time. That he is very jealous and she doesn't care. They work together and one of their co workers, has said that it just seems like they don't know how to get along.

Ok so now that you have the most recent facts...what are your opinions on everything? I still believe that our love was a great thing and a true love. I believe in my husband and I can see us being together one day. Happier then we were before. Does anyone know how I can win him back? Does anyone know prayers or anything that can help me win him back? I want him home and soon!!!

[fantima_r]

you can trust him for the future

[TTinKKerBBell]

SO glad to hear this - Congrats !!

Regards,
Tink

[UnsureMS]

UPDATE: my husband is home and we are doing great. He is becoming the man I know he could be. He has stopped drinking and is there for me. He loves me more then ever. We have gone through a few minor storms since he got home but with God by our side we have weathered those storms.

We were even baptized and just spent our ten yr anniversary together.

[UnsureMS]

One last thing. I only posted one conversation. I have told my husband that he will have to work on things to come home. I have told him to come home treat me right and we can make things work out. I don't think he is waiting on her to ditch him. I think he is trying to talk himself into how to come home, and face up to what all he has done.

He isn't able to see his own kids due to some things that happened that first week. He has lost everyone's faith and belief in him but mine. The only reason I still believe in my husband was because I have seen the change he has been able to accomplish. But like I said alot of people were made involved in an already difficult situation. And he has alot of relationships to mend if he comes back.

[UnsureMS]

Thanks for all the comments. Today I saw him face to face he came to see me. I must have forgotten to mention that his relationship with this 20 yr old is not sexual. This is not say he didn't do that with her, but that he doesn't perform for her I guess.

As for specialmom the girl has been after him for a while but up until that week he didn't let it get to him. I have the phone records and he called me or texted me through out all breaks before that week. I truly believe my husband messed up and just didn't know how to repair things so he ran. He is the type to hold in alot of guilt.

My husband like I said showed up today. We talked a bit. He told me how this new relationship is and said he guess he is getting punished and deserves it. This girl hits him and tells him that she is going to be the abuser in the relationship. She doesn't give him any respect and just seems to be using him. He has gone through over 285 in less then a week with her.

Crazy part is that how she treats him is how he use to treat me 6 yrs ago or so. That is when we started going to church and repairing damage that was done. I think he really feels I am to good for him at times. I can't force him home, but I feel he may come home soon. He isn't drinking with this girl but smoking a pack of cigs a day. He also started smoking pot again. I really miss him, and to be honest the only part that really hurts is that he won't come home. The affair I am past. I have prayed and forgiven him.

I do know that if he comes back he has alot to work on. But I also have some things to work on. The love is still there though and I believe I still have his heart. My husbands concern isn't whether this girl will leave him or not because if he cared about that, then he wouldn't be still wanting to contact me everyday. He is truly just confused and unsure about how to make things better. He is falling apart and doesn't believe he deserves the love I would give him. All I ask is for prayers, advice, and someone that has been there to tell a positive story of reconciling. Thanks. Again

[AnnieBrooke]

I kind of think that confused or not, he basically is saying he wants to keep having sex with the 20-year-old while you tell him it is all right.  

[Life360_Dave]

Hi.
I sense a few things going on, like he cares for the both of you and dosent want to loose either of you. But what comes across most is that he is insecure about how his girlfriend feels about him and worries she might go back with her ex and is using you as emotional backdrop incase she dumps him.
I feel he will come back to you only if she breaks up with him.

He is very aware of your feelings for him and has you on the defensive and if he does come back you will be cartering to his every wish to keep him home. You will be compromising the very essence of you being.

It is very unhealthy for another person to have such an emotional control over someone as he does over you. I think it would be best to walk away from this for your own well being  and find someone who truely loves you.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I must say that I'm very stunned by this.  I've read your posts over the past several months on various forums.  Posts that were about good things and some negative things.  But I never suspected that he was cheating on you sweetie.  I'm sure that in itself is very painful.  I would wonder about the facts of that---  how long was it going on?  How did it start?  What is his reason for deciding to leave you for her?  These are really important things to talk about if you are considering taking him back.  What would you think if he'd been cheating for the duration of your relationship and sexual with other women while being so with you?  Can you trust him in the future?  

I know these are hard things to think about.  I'm sure you are in complete shock and right now, you are trying to sort it out and wanting it to go back to the way it was before he left (even though he clearly had some hidden activities you didn't know about).  I do think relationships can repair but that best happens when people are really open and discuss how they feel and exactly what happened.  

Do you think your husband's alcohol and pot abuse had anything to do with this?  If he is a functioning alcoholic and you've been wanting him to stop drinking, that could be part of the problem.  I wouldn't back down form asking or really, demanding he get sober.  I really wouldn't, but this affair could be acting out.  Unfortunate and maybe another example of how alcohol is ruining his life.  (and now yours).

He seems confused, I agree with anniebrooke.  I don't know what to tell you though.  You've been clear to him that you will take him back no matter what.  I could discuss the wisdom of that or that it is unwise but am not sure that is the place you are at right now or if you want to have that discussion.  I don't want to anger you at a vulnerable time.  In general, you are with a man that may be an alcoholic, smokes weed, cheats, has left you high and dry----  and you are signing on for more.  I would typically tell a woman that this is not wise.  But that is only for you to decide.  You have a strong faith and I too think all things are possible with God.  But it will only work if you are honest about it with each other.  It's okay to tell him that this is unacceptable from him and you expect better.  

Anyway, I am not sure what you can do at this moment.  He used her phone to discuss this with you.  Does he not have his own phone?  That wasn't smart on his part and I agree a bit passive aggressive.  

I hope he decides to try to work on things with you.  I hope he fixes some of his problems.  I hope the two of you can go to some counseling and get to a better place.  Sorry this has happened!  Just very sorry you have to go through this.  peace

[AnnieBrooke]

In my life, I've seen the oddest relationships succeed (including people who have gotten divorced and remarried) and the most unexpected ones fail.  What is striking here is the deep ambivalence and confusion shown by your husband.  He doesn't act like he knows what the heck he is doing.  I'd ask him to go to counseling for some values clarification before he confuses the heck out of you.

[genamarie]

I've never been married, but I have been cheated on, and have been through a separation which hurt so much that it felt like the loss of a loved one, as in a death. I want to say you seem much stronger with this than I would be, and I commend you on your good faith, and positive mindset. However, I'd like to say (from what you've written out) this could honestly go either way. 1) Your husband would not have gone on to be with this other woman had he not had feelings or the urge to do so 2) It could seem that he is not so interested in keeping her around, but the fact that he doesn't seem concerned about coming back home, or even meeting up with you to finalize anything doesn't exactly mean he's looking to come back to you, even if he's not worried about whether things with this girl work out or not. 3) Honestly, it just seems as if your husband is unsure of what he wants, and what he plans to do. It seems to me that he hasn't put much thought into it, and that he may be trying to keep contact, or keep things going between you and this girl, just because he doesn't know what he's planning on doing. I'm not telling you something to hurt you, I'm just saying he seems very unsure. What you should attempt to do (and I say attempt as you've tried to have him meet with you over your account, and it did not work out) try to get him to meet with you, try to talk things over with him, see where he stands, whether he has made up his mind on what he's going to do, or if he's just unsure. No matter what, if he still loves you, actions speak louder than words (cliche right?) but if he does love you, and does want things to be good between the two of you, if not make things right and work out, then talk to him about marriage counselling or just some form of counselling for the two of you together. Try to make things work out before either one of you just lets your relationship slip away (I know especially based on your post asking for help I know you wouldn't let it just slip away, but just try to make him see that you have a 9 year relationship together that shouldn't just be passed off so easily). Good luck to you dear, I really hope things work out for the best, I can't imagine being together for 9 years for things to all of a sudden change, maybe he's just going through an internal crisis and just feels unsure of himself? I'm not sure, truth is the only one who would know what is truly going on is him. And being together so long, and the things he's still telling you while seeing another woman, you have every right to know what's going on in his head. Good luck :)