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Avatar universal

eliminating a grudge

ive been with my boyf for 6 years now, we live together got 2little boys and got engaged last year.  the problem is i hold things against him from the past like hes hit me but not when we were first together, i had a two month break after being with him for 8 months then after we found out i was pregnant we got back together, then i found out he was on cocaine and quit it immediately as were expecting, he was then violent after taking that shite.

i still hold this against him and things like its for him to sleep in the spare bed but when i was pregnant he didnt like it, and things like his mother buys me son sweets at 7 before n if i do it he has a right moan so i end up swearing at him when the kids are in bed because im starting to hate him but hes not listening at all

he helped alittle with the kids, hes now obsessesd with facebook n xbox he wont quit a game to watch baby when i nip the loo hed expect me take him with me

is he just a total arsehole or what?
6 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, you are definately right---------- there is no perfect relationship.  It is always hard work and don't let anyone tell you any different.  I've even found that some couples who put up the perfect front in public have some of the worse marrital discord.  So, I think all relationships are going to be difficult at times and the idea is to have more good times than bad.

I'm glad that things are getting better and that he is trying to step up more. I think that holding onto bad feelings  is natural.  We all do it to a certain extent.  Ways to let it go-------  well, when those feelings pop in-------- stop and change what you are doing, stop the thoughts and actively put a different thought into your head.  Don't call a girlfriend and complain because as we dish it out and vent and go on and on, it fuels the fire.  We get madder rather than less mad a lot of the time.  You could write out what you love about him and how he is now when you are feeling really good about things.  Just sit down and write it all out.  Then when you are drifting to the bad thoughts------ go and read what you wrote when you were happy about him.  

Sometimes changing our reaction to someone can cause them to change theirs.  So instead of yelling and getting mad--------- take some super deep breaths and talk calmly.  Talk like you are talking to someone you need to be on our side or they'll take your kids from you but you still have to get through to them.  You know what I mean?  Kind of butter him up, use a nice voice, state your case without any drama or hostility and be clear about what you need.  It is a visualization process to see him as someone you do not want to anger ----------  then you will get further in your discussions with him.  

Okay, good luck and I'm glad you feel this is going to work out! That is great.  Good luck to you!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
my husband took coke 3 years ago,he was always a horrible nasty piece of work when he took it,but deep in my heart i knew this wasnt the man i married,in the end i kicked him out told him to clean himself up or we are done,also i told him if he ever looks at another drug again he loses me and the kids and i mean it,i hated him at that point in my life,but he made his choices and we are happy again,hope this helps
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hi and thanks for getting back to me, he's started to help a great deal with the kids and helps me with any money worries too, he's a loving boyf towards me and has no started to show a lot of effection towards me n the kids.

its probably me making a mountain out of a mole hill, i just blow up sometimes, all i wanted was him to stop baby crying while i did other ones speillings with him, it turns into an argument, he'll be back to the perfect boyf when the novelty of the new xbox game has worn off, i think he forgets his priority's sometimes n just needs a nudge up the bum.

i think it will work out with us we love each other loads and i know he loves me alot too, i dont believe in the perfect relationship we see on tele, i am horrible to him sometimes and really need n wanna get rid of the grudge that is there from 6 year ago, he's a totally different person now from back then
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Kay, I've read your posts here and elsewhere.  It does seem like a troubled relationship.  You know, as I've written before, that I believe couples should try to work it out when they have children.  But you do not paint a rosy picture of your homelife.  He does seem to have some serious issues.  Didn't know that drugs and violence were involved at one time.  Hitting is a deal breaker for me.  I'd have left at that point, pregnant or not and stayed gone.  I'm glad he is off drugs now.  

Maybe he has an addictive personality and his gaming and internet time is the new addiction.  That happens.  When someone is doing that instead of things they know they should be doing and it is interfering with life------- it is in the early stages of a serious problem.  But------------- from your other posts, he's never seemed real interested in caring for the kids much anyway.  Actually in this post it sounds like he has gotten slightly better.

Is marriage therapy an option?  Maybe it is too late or this isn't worth saving, I don't know.  But possibly with professional guidance you can get some direction about that.  It also sounds like you don't like being angry with him or how you are acting as well in the relationship.  I say bravo to that because both parties play a role in a dysfunctional relationship.  We ALL have faults and things to improve upon------- and self reflection leads the way for that.  Also, as we work on ourselves and better who we are--------  even if the relationship doesn't work out, you are new and improved for your next relationship so that it has a better chance of success.  

Anyway, seems you are working hard to keep this together.  For the kids sake, I hope it has a happy ending.  But we all know that sometimes it doesn't.  You'll have to decide when you've tried long enough.  Good luck
Helpful - 0
1455536 tn?1285335680
It sounds like he has no desire to change. The fact that he has already hit you is very alarming, what if he starts doing that in front of the kids ? You say that your starting to hate him. If you cant change your feelings and love him, then I would end it now, because the only future I can see is one filled with negativity and abuse for ALL of you. Somebody in the relationship has to change for there to be any hope.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1642048000
Well, it sounds like the magic is over.  It might be well to see a counselor together, for the sake of the kids, but if (even after counseling) you cannot get onto the same page any more about being a couple, you might consider separation.
Helpful - 0

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