How to overcome purging

[Pink5622]

I constantly purge myself after dinner so I will not wake up bloated. Even if I ate a small amount, I will purge so I will not gain any more weight. I went down to 58kgs from 78kgs in the last 3 years. I have been chubby/fat all my life so I am very scared to go back to that phase. I do try to eat healthy and exercise at least 5 times a week. I know that I will not go back to being fat or chubby if I keep doing these but I cannot help purging myself. To those who recovered, what have you done to overcome this horrible eating disorder? Did you need to see a dr and seek help professionally? I have a stable job but not financially capable to seek professional help. Any advise will be welcomed. Thank you.

[Pink5622]

Hi specialmom! I am doing quite well. I don't purge as much and you know what, ever since you told me to get rid of the scale, I haven't weighed myself as much. I thought if I didn't know how much I weigh (although I can feel that I did/do gain weight), it would somehow keep me from purging. It somehow worked for me. Sometimes I am tempted but I manage to fight it off so I felt successful when I do.

The problem I have now is my acid reflux (GERD/GORD). My GI doctor has prescribed Nexium (40g) daily. I have taken it for a month now and it has calmed down my symptoms by at least 70%. He says that it is good news, but it actually takes at least 2 months of continuous medication to feel relieve or fully eradicate the symptoms. So for now, I am on my 2nd month and I am hoping that I will be much better in a month.

I am so sorry for responding so late. I got quite busy at work and didn't have time to check the website. How's things going with you? I hope you and your family are alright.

[specialmom]

Hi Pink!  How are you my friend?  How are things going?

[mombojombo]

Hi pink.  Eating disorders are so complex.  I really keep those who suffer this in my heart because I know how hard it is.  Have you been able to talk to anyone about it or work on this at all?  I think summer (if you are in the US) is one of the hardest times.  

[Pink5622]

Hello mombojombo. Yes eating disorders are complex and very horrible. It all started when I lost weight and I just wanted to keep it off but I also wanted to keep eating. When I lost almost 20kg, I started to receive compliments that I look much better and my old clothes fit me but then I also thought that to keep it off, I need to change my lifestyle and eating habits. That is when I started purging. I do exercise (walking only) 5x a week for an hour each day but I didn't feel that it will be enough to help keep the weight off. But I am doing much better now. I was diagnosed with GERD in May this year and I regretted what I did. I assume that I had it due to the purging. I still purge sometimes but whenever I can control and not let the disorder talk me to it, I fight it. I often win but there are times when I am weak and give in. I treat every day as a new day and strive to fight it. I know that one day I will prevail and hopefully will live my life purge-free.

Thank you for your comment and your concern. I am Asian currently residing in the Middle East. I hope to see the US sometime in the future. :)

[specialmom]

I was wondering how you are doing sweetie.

[specialmom]

Hi pink.  Gosh, eating disorders are so very hard to deal with.  We can't just give up food, right?  And stopping ourselves from having an unrealistic image of our body in our mind is hard to do without professional help.  I understand finances and hope you get into a situation in which you can tackle this with the psychological help that will really make this easier to overcome.  

One hallmark of eating disorders is very critical thinking of one's self.  Your internal thoughts are typically negative when you think about what you look like, who you are, what you can't control, etc.  You have to find a way to change that dialogue.  Positive affirmations sound corny but they can work.  Go to thoughts that you say in your head over and over when the bad thoughts start coming in.  

You have to start Mindful living.  That means purposely thinking and doing things differently than you have been. Make a contract with yourself.  What you will eat (smaller portions if you binge, non sugary foods aren't an option but more healthy things like a bowl of fruit are, keep a food journal and monitor it, have a total amount you will exercise, no more or less set up each day, etc.), exercise, handle the job of nourishing yourself properly will be well thought out.  

** DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF.  Get rid of your scale sweetie.  Just get rid of it. May seem hard but you need to do it.

Know your triggers (journaling helps) and avoid.  Distraction helps (add more of this to your life). Support is key---  we're here for you to talk!  Invite others to join this site, we'll get discussion going!  You are NOT alone!

Another thing to help is to write down situations that lead to your purging. Then take some time to think about each one and write down solutions or other things you can do besides purging next time in that situation.  

And I sort of covered this but plan plan plan.  Plan out your meals into three meals, three snacks.  Eat that.  

Let me know what you think sweetie!

[Pink5622]

Hello specialmom. I am very glad to have received an answer to my concern. I am only able to check the site just now after I wrote so I am so very sorry to respond so late. I am very glad to tell you that I have almost stopped purging. 3 months before I wrote, I started feeling like there is a lump on my throat (globus) and I saw doctors to find out what it is. I received a diagnosis of GERD from the GI doctor. He gave me acid suppressants but it didn't help at all. Up to this time, I still feel the globus sensation. I don't feel any acid coming up to my throat though, it is just the globus sensation.

I assumed that I had GERD because of my purging and I deeply regretted what I did so I decided to stop purging. When I wrote, I had already decided to do it but I still get tempted sometimes especially when I had a little too much to eat during dinnertime. The only difference is that I don't do it as often as before (every night). In a week, I tend to do it once or twice now. I know it is still horrible but I feel like this is a big step toward my goal of keeping it off.

The weighing scale is like a magnet pulling me every morning. Whenever I feel bloated, I am tempted to step on it to find out how much I weigh and I would usually compensate by purging. I did learn from reading other forums that regularly weighing yourself is not healthy and will always lead you back to your old bad eating habits. The weighing scale is still there but I don't step on it as much now.

I am also trying to control my food intake. I bought a small digital scale so I can manage my calories better. I learned reading the nutrition facts on the food packaging so I can stay within my daily requirement.

I have not told my family about this, especially my husband because he has been critical of my weight loss (he feels that it is too much) and my food portions. He believes that I should eat more but since I am controlling my intake, I cannot just do what he says. I am afraid that it he finds out of my eating disorder, he will blame me even more for having GERD. It's hard enough that I am battling this disorder and I really will not be able to pull through if he is constantly on my back reminding me of what I did to myself.

I would like to thank you for your time and effort responding. It is very assuring that there are people out there who are willing to help without passing any judgment. I hope we can talk more and be good friends. It makes it easier to tackle this battle when you have somebody to talk to.

[specialmom]

Thank you for coming back.  It is SO good to hear from you!  It sounds like you are doing better and I'm glad.  What I'm wondering about is any type of professional support you could get?  We have a mental health support system in my country but I don't know about yours.  You sound like you are trying very hard on your own but sometimes it is hard to keep ourselves on track.  I've always believed that if I am making eating, calorie counting, portion controlling, weight managing to the point of taking a significant amount of time each day that I am OVER doing it.  :>)  I say that with kindness and empathy.  Food and your weight is still forefront in your mind and you have an unhealthy relationship with it.  A professional that specializes in eating disorders can be so helpful.  What I would hate to see start to happen is switching from binging to just drastic calorie reduction and over exercising so this moves into anorexia which is essentially starving yourself.  A big turning point for me after years of controlling my food, exercising like I was a professional athlete, etc. was when my husband and I wanted to have our first baby. My doctor made it clear I needed to gain weight to conceive.  I do want to say that I know how hard this is and I think you are doing a great job trying to keep it all headed down a healthier path.  It has to be hard though feeling like you have secrets from your husband.  Probably every wife has 'some' but it doesn't feel great. You are not a horrible person for this situation!  You are not horrible if you are still purging occasionally. You are trying.  And you are not alone!  Write back----  I"m here to talk!

[Pink5622]

Hi specialmom. I haven't had any professional help so far. I guess that has never been an option for me because it is an additional expense for us. My husband and I are both working but we are only earning enough to get by each month. We have a few savings but we're putting that aside for real emergencies.

I am not exactly measuring (using the scale) each and every food that I eat. But I am very aware of the portion size. I try to listen to my stomach. If I feel that I am almost full, I stop eating because I know that I will only end up purging the excess of what I should've only eaten. I have been doing that for quite some time now so I know by now what portion size will prevent me from purging. I do try to snack in between meals (sometimes healthy, sometimes not so healthy) so I will feel fuller and not eat a lot during my next meal. Aside from the acid reflux, I feel much better now and I think I am handling it well.

To be honest, it makes me feel bad to hide this from my husband but if I have to get professional help, I will have to tell him. I would like to see how far I can go by managing this by myself before I think I am falling off the wagon again.  Then maybe I do have to tell him.

I would like to tell you that I am very appreciative of your response. It is not everyday that I get to talk about this with someone. To be honest, you are the only one that I have spoken to so far and I am very grateful. Thank you so much, specialmom. You make my day brighter. :)

[specialmom]

Well, that makes sense.  Please though, if this goes deeper or further or escalates to often purging or over exercising and starving yourself, talk to your husband and get the necessary help from a professional, okay?  But you do sound like you are making a great effort and that's great for now.  I have read that looking for triggers can help.  So, if you have a binge/purge day . . .   is it after something has happened?  Before something, etc.  A little journal to record these things helps. And you can keep why you are using a journal vague and just write down the trigger and if it was a good or bad outcome after.  I also have a question.  I understand you occasionally purge but is this after a 'normal' meal or are you also binging prior to the purge?  Also, do you think you have anxiety or depression?  

As to Gerd, does an acid reliever help at all?  Like a Tagamet or Pepcid are two name brands here in the US.  I can find out their generic name to see if it is available where you are?  But otc products may help temporarily for the acid issue.  

Anyway, you are such a sweet girl.  I'm enjoying talking to you and I know this can and WiLL get even better than it is now.  hugs

[Pink5622]

I understand you occasionally purge but is this after a 'normal' meal or are you also binging prior to the purge?  Also, do you think you have anxiety or depression?
- I don't purge when I have had a normal meal. I notice that I purge when I binge during the whole day, especially during weekends when I am at home with easy access to a lot of food. I don't know if you can call it anxiety but the one thing that urges me to purge is my fear of getting fat again. I feel as if binging (even if only a day) will make me fat. Or even the thought of binging every once in a while will make me fat again. I am scared of having to go through the pain of seeing myself in a bigger built. I have almost changed my whole wardrobe because of all the weight I shed off and having to gain weight again makes me anxious. I don't want to go through that again.

I do try to fight it and I tell myself that a few pounds will not hurt but sometimes I am just very weak. I hate it when I purge and I feel really guilty.

Thank you for listening to me. You help me a lot. :)