Eating patterns have changed

[natalieedear]

Since the start of 2009 my eating patterns have completly changed, most days all i will eat is a couple of biscuits and thats about it, but other days (not many of these days) i will feel like im eating for Britain and eat loads, my friends call me anorexic but i really don't think i am. I have never ate breakfast, but now i've stopped eating lunch too, this doesnt mean im anorexic does it? please help me xx

[natalieedear]

the mediator came today, as it was the first time she just introduced herself and stuff and asked me really random questions, i couldnt tell her about anything though as my mum was sat infront of me and my brother on the other side of me, so that was kind of awkward. Although she is coming back again too see me, but just me on my own this time so i guess i could speak to her then. All i've ate today was that wagon wheel and im not having my dinner tonight as i told mum i wasnt hungry, Dom also found out about the cuts on my arm, but only on my arm so thats a relief. He really wasnt to impressed and it kind of freaked him out a bit and he just told me that he was here for me, which didnt really help atall, but in all fairness i was about to get on my bus home so he couldnt really say anything else anyway. xo

[Rach878]

I know you don't want to talk to anyone, but you have too. Things are going to just get worse if you don't get help. I'm proud of you for eating what you did eat, but Zoelula is right that is restricting. And your hurting yourself mulitple times a day. do you think you could talk to the mediator about this when there there?

[natalieedear]

Well its 11:51 am over here, and i've ate a wagon wheel so far, i doubt i will want to eat anything later as the mediator is coming to see me about my father.

I guess so, oncei last wrote too you last night i then went into my room after that and cut my arms with a pair of scissors, it felt great seeing blood, which is so silly i know. I then fell asleep so didn't manage to hurt myself again. I don't want to have to speak to anyone about it mind
xo

[Zoelula]

Honey,

Having a little pasta salad for dinner and nothing for breakfast and nothing for lunch is not pretty good. It is restricting; you need to eat more to be healthy.

You are asking us for help when you tell us about hurting yourself, but you really need to ask for help in person, whether it is from the nurse, a counselor, an adult of any kind. We care about you and are worried.

[natalieedear]

I really don't want the nurse to know mind, i don't know her atall,and well yes im not too sure why i don't want her to know im just not to fond of telling her. I hurt myself again in History today, i started shaking like crazy and pinched some scissors and cut many little slits all up my arms. Eating has been alot better to be honest, i had a little pasta salad for dinner tonight and nothing for breakfast and nothing for lunch, so i guess thats pretty good.  xo

[Rach878]

I understand your hesitation about telling your school nurse. Although i don't think she could tell her daughter anyway. If your not good with telling her, do you think you could ask her if there is a guidance counsler at your school for you to talk to.
It souns like your boyfriend just doesn't know how to approach the subject, of your eating or your self harm. Speaking of your eating how has it been going. I konw you told a teacher you would try to eat a meal a day, so how's it working?

[natalieedear]

I would talk to the nurse, but the thing is she has a daughter in my year and i really don't want her to tell her because her daughter, Harriet, doesn't particularly like me.I'm glad your alot better than before, and im so glad theres people out there that i can relate too.I hope your eating disorder becomes better soon, and i wish you the best of luck with your progamin summertime. Thank you ever so much xx

[natalieedear]

Thats exactly how i feel at the moment, i know my mum cares for me, but to be honest thats about the only person. and my boyfriend, Dom, too. But i can't talk to him about it because all he ever says is 'your not fat! your perfect' but i feel as though he's only saying that because he feels he has too. I'm going to have to think about who to tell, because when i spoke to my teacher the other day i told her i will eat one meal a day, and even that isn't proper and all she said is 'oh, thats enough to be eating a day' so she didnt really help. I find it helps me, like you, to get everything i'm feeling out by writing, but the story i just wrote was about me killing myself :/ which then led to me hurting myself again! xxx

[Rach878]

I am sorry for the way your feeling right now. I know the nurse seems like she's being a pain,but it's out of genuin concern. Since she already knows your not eating lunch, she probably has a good idea that your in trouble. She sounds like the perfect person to start with for help. I know it's hard, but if you want to feel better you need help, from someone.
I used to think that  being depressed, and eating disordered, and self harming...were just the way that i was ment to live. That i somehow messed things up and didn't have a future beyond pain...I'm still struggling wtih many things, but for the most part, i see that what's happened to me in life that's caused this pain...wasn't because i did something, but because sometimes obsticales in life..which can really suck are there for a reason. I was hospitalized several times for self harm and attempting suicide, and it helped. I'm on meds, which help my mood, and i'm not so depressed anymore. "Infact sometimes i'm geniuanly happy, which is something i haven't been in awhile. I'm still struggling wiht an eating disorder, but this summer i'm going into a program for it. And when i get better, i konw that i'm suppose to help people...people like us...people who are ready to give up, people who cut, who throw up, who starve...and no matter what it takes i will make a diffference...even if it's just one person...
So what i'm trying to tell you is...with the right help, you can find a road better than the one your on.

[Patricia Pitts, PhD]

There is always hope.  If you can lean on someone to support you to seek help that would be great.  Getting to a professional who can help you is important.  To learn more about eating disorders and level of cares visit the bella vita website.  Best, Dr Patricia Pitts  

[Zoelula]

I absolutely agree with everything Rach said and I think it's great she gave you those numbers. We're really worried about you nataliee. I can hear you're in a lot of pain and you feel like it will never get better. It can! I'm much older than you and when I was your age I felt just as bad, had an eating disorder, was depressed, self-mutilated...all of it. I thought I was a piece of **** and nobody would ever care about me; I sure didn't care about myself. I've since learned that I'm a pretty good person and I deserve good things. I have a happy life and am writing a book about what I went through. I nearly died several times but I guess a very little part of me always believed if I hung in there it could get better. Almost like my adult self was calling from the future, saying "hang in there, Zoe, you're worth it!"

Think of us like people who can see you in a happy future and are calling to you to hang in there. But you can't do it on your own, and people on a website are good support but not enough. Talk to the nurse, ask your teachers about a counselor, go to a clinic near your school, dial the phone. Look in your phonebook under Mental Health. I know there are free mental health services available somewhere near you.

Is there any adult you can trust? If there is one person, a neighbor, a relative, a friend's parent, whatever, tell that neighbor you need help and let them help you get it. We want you to be ok. You CAN get better, I promise you!

[natalieedear]

Thank you for your advice, I live in the woods pretty much by myself and i have 1 neighbour about 2 minutes away so i can't really go to see a clinic anywhere near me. But the only way i could find out if we had a school councellor is by seeing a nurse and she already has it in for me as she had to bring me into the canteen one day and watch me eat tomato soup and bread as i hadn't been in the canteen for 5 months, she said she was going to make sure the school cooks made sure i was coming in, so for about a week i started eating again and then i stopped and just hung outside. The thing is she knows i don't eat as everyday she goes in the canteen and asks the girls in my year where i am.

I usually engrave things into my skin with a compass, and scissors or anything around me that will take the pain out on me. I feel as though my mum and dads divorce and all the arguing they do is my fault. I have many reasons why i don't speak to my dad, but he's now really ruined the very last bit of his relationship with me as he has started a new family with his girlfriend, his girlfriend who claimed i bully her even thought i havent spoke to him for over a year now. I burst out into tears on Thursday as I was sat by myself on the bus too school and my dad drove across the roundabout and it just made me think about all the things he has done and it made my cry and hurt myself again when i got home.
When i am alone and my phone is charged, i will ring one of them numbers.
thank you very much, this site is really helping xx

[Rach878]

Sweetie, i want you to listen to me ok....A mediatior might help you...but as far as seeing a doctor are there any free clinics near your house that you could get to? You don't have to go with a parent, and they might be able to help you more than a mediator. I would ask someone, a tearcher, anyone if you have a school counsler, a guidance consler. I'm sure you do.
How do you hurt yourself? And if your so depressed you can't eat... you really need someone to help you. I know you said your mom has a lot on her plate, but trust me, she'd want to help you.
I get that you dont' like your dad, adn i don't blame you, since he's calling you fat and everything, but i get the feeling there's something more to the reason you dislike him, that is contributing to your depression.

I have some numbers that i want you to call when you feel like hurting yourself, or your thinking about ending your life. They are free and anynomus.
Suicide prevention lines in the UK
1850 60 90 91
1850 60 90 90
8457 90 90 90
Suidice prevention lines in the US
[phone]
1800-252-8336
[phone]
[phone]
A website with more numbers for anywhere in any country is:
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
Please use them, and let me know how your doing.

[natalieedear]

Talking to my teacher really didn't help, she didnt seem to understand atall she just watched me cry, she even made me talk to her in the middle of the school corridoor which was really awkward as everyone that walked past could see me crying and i felt as though i couldn't speak to her about what i wanted as any of the kids passing by could hear. Rach, i think that is the reason i don't feel like eating. Im depressed constantly because of mainly what my dad has done, and during the times when i used to speak to my dad he called me fat and told me i needed to go to the gym all the time. Which really knocked my confidence even more and it didnt help that my family ( on myu dads side) called me fat all the time too, i mean they even bought me a 'shock yourself thin' chocolate box for chirstams, which basically you put you chocolate in there and then everytime you try to get it out it electricutes you. That didnt really help matters.

Rachael, my dad has no clue i havent spoke to him for nearly half a year ( so somebody is coming to see me on tuesday about it ) and my mum, well she;s going through enough as it is at the moment, so i just stay upstairs in my dark room most nights and then thats when i will hurt. I would speak to a councellor in school but the problem is i don't actually think my school has one :/ i have considered seeing a doctor one of the nights when my mum is at work but then remembered you have to go with a parent to see a doctor. So that wouldn't really help.Im not sure if you know anything about mediators. but if i told them about what im doing to myself, do you reckon they would be able to help me? Im really not sure. The thing is there is a girl in my year, who is just like me, she hurts herself, she cries most days and her parents are going through a divorce, but the thing is she is alot more popular than me, so whenever she is upset ( which is most days just like me) the teachers take alot of notice to her as she is  always surrounded by the majority of people in my classes. Im really thankful for all your help and advice and i have tried to stop being the way i am but it really doesnt work. I still manage to hurt myself and sit in a depression by myself thinking of various ways to end it all. I know its so silly because im pretty young but i just don't seem to enjoy anything atall, the silliest things wind me up. xx

[Rach878]

Hello. I would love to talk more with you if you would like to pm me. Depression is something that is ongoing. Infact it could be one of the reasons you don't feel like eating. And hurting yourself is  a serious issue. Do you parents/teachers know anything that is going on? I can understand why your doing the things that your doing, but i agree with Zoelula. What you may benifit from most is talking with your school consler, about helping you find a theripist, or someone that you can talk to in person. Everyone here is happy to help and support you, but what your going to really need is to sit face to face with someone adn really talk aobut why your depressed, and not eating, adn perticipating in self harm, and know is the best time, before it gets out of hand,adn starts to run your life. Trust me, because i did just that. I didn't listen to people around me telling me i needed help, and all the things that your doing right know took ahold of me for four years. I dont' want you four years from know to look back and say where did my life go.

[Zoelula]

Hi natalie

Good to hear from you, I was worried about you because the thread kind of went off a bit. There is a forum on here for Depression you might want to check out. You didn't say if you get any help with your depression. I'm guessing not because you said you recently chatted with a teacher and it didn't really help. Teachers might be understanding and caring but they don't necessarily have any experience with Depression. Depression isn't the same as just feeling down. It is a real illness just like the flu or diabetes. And just like those diseases you need appropriate treatment. If you are hurting yourself than you need help, and if you think you might be depressed than you should see a Counselor. Ask at school for a referall to a Counselor or Therapist. They may want you to start with the school counselor but usually that person isn't a mental health professional, though some of them do have experience and understanding of some emotional issues. But chances are that person will talk to you for awhile and then refer you to someone more qualified. It sounds like you really need support for what you are going through.

[natalieedear]

Thank you very much for all your comments its really helped me, i've lost quite a bit of weight recently but nothing ridiculous. Could anybody please help me find a way to write about depression please? i dont know how to sign up to the depression bit? im more considered about that than i am my weight, my weight is nothing to major at the moment i just really didn't want it to increase into anything more. Thank you very much for all your support guys, it has really helped, if anybody could chat to me about depression that would really help, i have quite alot on that subject, but i recently chatted with a school teacher because i believed it would help. but it really hasnt it just made me worse and continue to hurt myself xx

[nart]

i havent gotten any up dates form natalie..........im sorry its taking me so long to get my pics on the computer...........i dont know much about computer and how to down lode pics....but  i have  been haveing some fun taking the pics..i ran 30 mins today and walked 50 mins....running is way different than walking ..i dont feel i get a good workout really from walking ..but with running you work you body so hard you feel feel a big difference on working out ......

[Warped_Reflections]

Just curious has anyone gotten an update from Natalieedear? She was the one who started this post and I wanted to know if she was doing any better. Nart, Rach878, and I all got very off the topic that Natalieedear first posted and I thought it would be polite to get back on topic about what she posted.

Hey Natalieedear, if you read this, I wanted you to know that I hope you are doing well. Please remember that you can always find support here and please stay safe.

[Rach878]

I really happy for you that your starting to feel good. But warped reflections is right. Where you have had eating disorded behavior before, and it sounds like you anticipating having it again, you do need to be careful on your amount of exercise, running a mile or two a day is fine, but dont' over do it. I don't want to see you back into an eating disorder, especially where your mood seems to be better.

[nart]

i think it very healhy actually ............i am starting to feel really good....

[nart]

lol........i dont think im over exercising but it could happen...........im just getting started

[Warped_Reflections]

Nart, I am starting to get concerned because it sounds like you might be starting to over exercise. Please be careful.

[nart]

oh really ........then i dont need to no.....i started running today plus my normal walking.it was great its been 4 years scense i ran .........it is nice to get started running again....