Emotional eating and physical illness

[Jaquta]

Would unintentional weight loss be evident despite emotional eating?

I was asked today by a locum about weight loss.  While I have lost weight I find it difficult to be objective.

Maybe the question is irrelevant.  I was just wondering.  If one can eat maybe one can't be too sick.

My iron levels are still dropping despite iron therapy.  I guess maybe the weight loss question (and need for tests) provoked some anxiety within me.

I guess malnutrition can be a consequence of emotional eating.  It seems like a hopeless place to be in when one struggles so much with food, weight and emotions.
I also wonder if there may be malabsorption issues due to previous dieting behavior.

I think maybe I am stressing myself out unnecessarily.  Stress can cause ulcers.  =(

I can't think to write.  I feel tired and sick.

My GP got approval for that independent opinion he wanted.  I don't even care anymore.  The whole process has/ is taking an eternity.  My GP justifies my comments by saying I am iron deficient.
Is this really not due to brain damage from meds?  Emotional damage seems much less important.

[Jaquta]

I don't want to talk to people anymore.  People here, at home, anyway.
At least on the net I feel heard and understood.

I spoke to my GP today.  The first time in just over six weeks.  It went very badly.  I wasn't very polite or appreciative either.  I feel frustrated with everything.  I didn't want to listen to my GP talk about how he needed his break.  My T left 569 days ago.  I don't get a break from my issues.  I get tired of people shuffling paper and making phone calls.  My GP thinks it achieves something.  I don't see anything tangible for it.  No T anyway.
My GP was saying that doctors had made mistakes.  So?  He's not the one dealing with all the fallout from that, not directly anyway.
It's so difficult.  I wish I didn't depend on that independent review (which is apparently the platform for any further treatment or action).  It would be much easier for me emotionally to be able to sever all ties.
I tried to get everything up to date with my GP today so that I wouldn't have to see him again any time soon.
My finger has been infected and he said to go back if it wasn't better next week.  I'm hoping it will be OK.  He gave me seven days of antibiotics so hopefully it will be OK.

I'm not sure what my problem is.  I am so moody and irritable at the moment.  Before it was frustrated.
I thought maybe I got over-tired from looking after my parents farm for two weeks.  12+ hour days when I had been struggling just to do even very basic stuff.
My sister was back from Oz for a wedding at the end of that two week period so I needed to pick her up.  On my way, just down the road from the medical centre I go to, a car had just taken out a fence and wrapped itself around a tree.  The emergency services were in attendance.  Maybe that is what has triggered me.  My T thought that I still carried a lot of physical anxiety regarding my family's first head on car crash.  I don't know.  I don't like firemen very much.  They scare me as well as stink.  Sometimes I think of becoming a volunteer firefighter but it's not very practical with where we live.  The local fire service is having an opening day this weekend.

Maybe more than anything I feel defeated with my running.  I was going really well but then ended up with some chunky and rather painful blisters.  I then missed that weekend's two hour run.  Maybe the problem was black and white thinking.  Or stress.

Fatigue.  Stress from mum and dad returning.  I started binge eating when m and d returned home.
Two years ago I completed this same race that I wanted to do this year and did very badly then by my standards.  I hadn't been eating very much, missed the start of the race because I was so anxious and in the loo and basically didn't want to do it.
Maybe all good vs all bad again.  I was pretty devastated  and this was a very bad time for me.  I was due to have my upper wisdom teeth surgically removed under iv sedation  which was also difficult.  I was out in the garden getting stuff for dinner and tried to cut my throat with the knife.  Dumb knife!!  I thought it must have just been me but it was pretty useless.  My sister actually gave all my family members a set of steak knives each for Christmas one year.  I can't even remember which year and it was the year we went away and the lady staying next door to us disappeared.  We believe she was killed (lots of strange noises in their place that night) but because she had a history of depression people just assumed she walked off and maybe got swept down a river.
It's scary being a depressed person.  Just way to much bias and misperception.
I use to think that my father would kill me.  It made me feel vulnerable.

I guess the running just hurt because I work on making changes and then end up back at the start, or seemingly more often than not these days, even further back than that.
My GP also enters the event.  He does the tri, I do the run.  For him it is like a reward, an accomplishment.  For me they are only ever failures.  His success seems to reinforce my failure.

Today he said it wasn't about him.  I had said that he had support (of colleagues, etc).
I think he does make it about himself though.  I am doing this, I have done that.  He did my referral (plus other work) on his weekend before he went on leave.  He has accessed an independent opinion for me (and none of his other patients which he said was a first -although the mhs do refer people to a private psych facility.  I think it was about one patient per year from our area and they had to have serious problems).  I think you see way more of my dysfunction than they do.  I feel it is significant yet because I'm not accessing services or not hurting myself I'm considered 'healthy'.
What the mhs need is some good patient advocacy to present a patient's perspective and experience.
My GP said the last T I saw has now left the service.  The system's a mess.

Probably I feel a little better already.
The farm has also been a source of stress.  My parents have way too many animals and due to a once in a lifetime drought have practically no feed.
My mum said it was my fault because I gave them too much grass when they were away.  I did what they asked me to do.
A number of years ago my parents went overseas and I looked after their farm for them for six weeks.  Again, they were severely over-stocked and basically used up all the feed before they went away.  I was very young and didn't deal with the situation very well.  The spca and maf became involved.  I made decisions that were difficult and wish I didn't have to make.  It was pretty bad.
Anyway, when m and d returned the maf enforcement officer wanted to meet with them.  On the day my parents wanted to put our animals through our yards and groom them.  I suggested they just feed them.  I was tired, angry and frustrated and left them to it.  My mother came stalking back and told me to get a shovel because I had just killed one.  Because I had left they crammed too many in the yards and one suffocated.

I hate that they don't manage their farm or their lives very well.  I sometimes feel bitter because I feel that they enable my behavior.  Perhaps behavior that their upbringing contributed too.

Lately I try not to say stuff to dad.  Sometimes I feel I am abusing him by undermining his efforts (which are pretty illogical and ineffective).  

I guess I feel trapped in myself and lost.  Nobody sees this.

[Jaquta]

Thanks!  I went for a run today and have felt better for it despite not being able to tolerate any speed or hill work (which was a good excuse for me to relax and enjoy it).
Physically I still feel drained.

I'm sorry for rejecting any feedback before it was even given.  I didn't realize my need for control was that extreme again.  I haven't reflected very deeply on what this current phase means to me.
I was struggling a lot for a long time.  It got to the point where I told my GP I planned to set a date to kill myself.  I felt too tired to do much about it though.  
I guess it helped to relieve some tension but the chaos and crisis seem to be replaced with a nothingness.
Maybe it's just easier and less hurtful to reject before being rejected.  I don't know what I think would happen if I let some good stuff into my life.

My mood has improved somewhat with the iron tabs but my issues still remain.

I haven't re-visited your book, which I am likely to learn from, and it is collecting dust somewhere.
I scribbled out your previous comments about pausing and powerlessness and I reflect on them occasionally.  I guess in all this they provide some grounding and maybe a small glimmer of hope.

I'm sorry for not participating (very much) on your forums at this time.  I can't.  I am struggling to engage with people and are struggling to concentrate.

Maybe I need to babysit my 2 1/2 year old nephew again.  He has a vastly different outlook on life and Bob the Builder seems quite optimistic.  "Can we build it?  Yes we can!"

His 'being' helped me to change some of my negative associations too.
Before when I would think of days and dates when viewing the moon, especially a full moon, now I see "Pretty moon.  It's not scary."

Maybe too much information.  At least he's extremely secure.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I hope you are feeling better.

[Jaquta]

I can see you have a backlog of posts waiting for responses.  (I hope you're OK.)
I probably don't need a response.  I think I'm just over-tired and frustrated by the on-going lack of support to help me work through my issues.
My GP can sort out my physical issues when he gets back from leave.

The more I try to work through this myself the more messed up I seem to get.
Even trying to sit with stuff to help explain I can't seem to access those thoughts.
I expect expectations and limitations are restricting my progress.  ??