History of Anorexia, Want to Lose Weight

[ShinigamiDeathscytheSan]

[trigger warnings: disordered eating, weight, body image, self harm, weight loss, medication]

hello all. The title really says it all but I've got a little background info to share...

i've been fat all my life. I dont think, even at my lightest that I had ever reached a non-overweight size. currently, at 5'0", though you wouldnt really believe it to see it, I weigh about 200lbs. my lightest, at the end of my first bout with anorexia, i managed to get from 190 to under 140, which was amazing. I'm not saying the means justify the ends, but when I was skinny, my body felt more like a luxury sports car than a durable and homey suv... if that makes any sense. This first bout wasn't nearly as rigid and controlling as later on, but I did lose a lot of weight in a very small amount of time. when I got to college, a year or so later, i started gaining back everything i lost. in the two years since, I upped four pants sizes and gained back fifty pounds (which i had lost in 8 months) and then some. during that first semester in college, I had a massive relapse and cracked down hard on my eating. i monitored every calorie and overexerted myself at the gym two to three times a week. yet, i only managed to keep packing on the pounds. (something i think is due to my thyroid, and even though the tests quite some time later came back normal, i'm not convinced i don't have hypothyroidism, as i remember it being mentioned by a doctor when i was a kid). I gave up and have been clean both from restricted eating and self harm for a year and a half now.

i've come to love my body very much and i accept that I'm just naturally fat (though the asthma steroids didn't help as a kid) but lately i've been developing a bit of a dichotomy in my mind. i love my body, but i miss being thin like i miss a best friend. but i don't want to relapse, and i want to stay healthy and happy. if I could just lose twenty pounds, i'd feel so much better.

just this week I started going to the gym again, never more than for a total of two hours a week, and taking it slow because the cheaper meds don't help my asthma as much as the ones i prefer... i make a point to try to eat healthy, but i do have a massive sweet tooth and a decently large appetite. I'm looking into seeing a nutritionist, granted I am able to see one through my school health services.

sorry this got really sidetracked ^-^;; i just really want to know if there's any hope of not triggering my ED but still dropping a few pounds.

[EllaMari]

I REALLY like the idea of you seeing a nutritionist. When we eat in a way that is good for us we feel good about it is easier to talk back to our eating disorders. Finding a healthy meal plan also keeps you from the dreaded binge/starve/binge cycle.

While exercise is great, keep an eye on it. If you are worried about your recovery keep it limited to classes you enjoy. I like to attend hour long zumba classes 2-3x a week. I try and focus on making exercise fun and social so my eating disorder doesn't take over.

I hope this helps. How your feeling is pretty typical for anyone who has struggled with eating. Be proactive. Are you currently seeing a therapist?

[ShinigamiDeathscytheSan]

hi there ella, thank you for your advice :)
yes, I really do like the idea of a nutritionist, also because i am suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, which may actually even be linked to my ED.
agreed on that. I prefer to go solo in the gym, but i keep reminding myself that i go because its fun, feels good, and because i want to get strong. i usually pedal away for an hour with a book or netflix.
i actually am no longer in therapy. my last session was in may, after a year and a half of weekly therapy, because i really felt comfortable handling life on my own. a lot of triggering things happened this summer though, leading me to where i am now, and still wanting to handle things on my own. it sounds a little reckless, i know...
thanks again for your advice, hon~

[EllaMari]

I completely sympathize with wanting to handle this in your own but you are taking on something a little different than everyday life. You want to develop healthy attitudes towards exercising and healthy eating. You will, by the way need to talk to your nutritionist about your exercising and your meal plan will change depending on the intensity of your workout. Both of these life changes are going to 'poke the bear', so to speak, of your eating disorder. If you really want to be successful and make some permanent healthy changes you are going to need some guidance. The last thing you want is to try to get healthy and get sick instead. Get out ahead of your eating disorder. A couple months of preventive therapy beats a hospital stay and years of recovery. Best wishes

[Idyllic]

I agree seeing a nutritionist is crucial especially if you have a massive sweet tooth and a decently large appetite which are two huge red flags you might be setting yourself up especially if at the same time you are easily triggered.

I am glad therapy helped when it did. I would not completely close the door on ever going back.  I just think it is really important to have some kind of support system because this is really challenging to deal with by yourself no matter how determined you are. You sound really optimistic and like you are starting.

I have found even when you lose the weight and drop all those dress sizes that it is very easy to still see an overweight person staring back in the mirror. That is the reason I think being around someone who understands how people like us think and feel and process things is not like normal people is very important.