My story short n simple

[HalfEmpty]

I used to weigh 374 lbs and joined weight watchers.. during this time i lost 200 lbs just by eating right and excercising. Though the past 3 years, I lost another 20 lbs but binging and purging and excessive excercise. Now, I am so lost in this circle. I binge and purge daily up to4 times a day and have lost all control and have lost all thinking about how to "eat right". Im lost and confused because at one time I did eat right and lose alot of weight, but now I feel worse then I did when I weighed over 300.

Im angry all the time and hate myself. Its affecting my marriage and I just dont know what to do. Any one know how I feel? What I should do? Just need to reach out somewhere .. any comments or advice wld be greatly appreciated.

[runnersdialzero]

Ha, HalfEmpty we have a few things in common.

First off that's so great that you made the call! It's really hard to do. It's really hard to tell ANYONE. I admire you for telling your mom, which everyone says is the right thing to do, but I have a family like yours, nutty with BIG mouths and a penchant for gossip, so I could never tell any of them. I thought about it, and probably would have if I did not live so far away from them all. It probably would have come out under the influence of one of my aunt's Bahama mama punch, at some family BBQ, late at night when everybody is still up talking about how screwed each other is, and I'd wake up the next day and realize what I'd done and just hope they were all too drunk to remember, but they'd remember because they are borderline alcoholics, and it takes a lot more than 6 hours of punch to wipe out their memories. I think of this scenario and the aftermath, and it keeps me silent.

I know exactly what you mean about talking and talking about the problems and that not stopping the cycle. How are we supposed to deal with them? I don't know. And it's true for me that sometimes thinking or talking about them makes me binge even more. And yeah, I don't know what I'm actually feeling anymore either since I seem to be on some sort of roller coaster, and I'm trying to force feelings in order to "deal" with things. One time when we were kids my brother was hypnotized, and he recalled all of these horrible things, real awful stuff, but things just didn't add up, there were inconsistencies, and the therapist said that people create fictional memories or feelings under the power of suggestion. I feel like that sometimes. Like I've been reaching for reasons for so long and reading about triggers, etc., that I am imagining them.

I'm also turning 30, and I just want to start over. I don't want to be a mess in my 30s. 30 is a lot of pressure. Could this be contributing to our stresses? Now not only do we have to worry about getting fat, but we have to worry about getting old AND fat. Sheesh.

Are you deathly afraid of gaining weight? I am. I would say fat is my biggest fear, but according to ED expertise I am really afraid of something else, and fat is just diverting the attention away from the truth. Ha, it's like a puzzle where all of the pieces have been hidden really well, and there are these fake pieces that LOOK just like the real ones...

Ah well, LeftCoastChick gives good advice and is inspiring. Let me know how things are going. You're on the right path and that should give you hope. You're that much closer to freedom! Please keep us posted.

[HalfEmpty]

Today, I actually made a call to an eating disorder center and awaiting a call for appt for screening. Im proud of myself for even making the call, but terrified almost of not having the binge/purge cycle in my life. I want to be healthy though.. so bad.

Leftcoastchick, I think I ask myself every day if I hate myself and why I do this. I dont have an answer as sad as that is. I love my son .. my husband ..but then I continue to do this. I feel like I am not able to happily live or be able to unless I am thin and thinner and thinner.. Im embarassed to stay that and hate I feel that way.

I will be 30 this year and I pray that I get this under control and able to enjoy the rest of my life. I'm terrified.

[LeftCoastChick]

I'm Bulemic in remission and I'm fat. I even had my stomach stapled so I wouldn't be. I became more miserable skinny then I was fat on the inside. though, I started doing more risky behaviours because I got so much attention. I realized size has nothing to with happiness. The weight creeped back because there are so many ways to cheat. Consciously I didn't realize I was even doing it! I went down to 165 from 280ish, my doctor told me to gain weight, because for my body type I was underweight. So I gained 10lbs. I was fine with that and stayed stable, but after a nasty break up, i went from 175 to 240, but the common thread is, I have never been happy with the way I look, and if I have been, it's been at other's approval. I finally had enough this year, after I got diagnosed with BP2 and Borderline Diabetes - I really took control over things. I rarely binge now, I enjoy the odd treat - it's like nirvana and I eat better now then in years. The common thread for me being okay now is, I'm pretty much okay being me and alone, I don't need affirmation from others or even myself at times to be me. I'm 40 and just finally figured it out. I hope you do it before you hit 40. Life can be good if you choose it to be, which means getting help. You have two basic choices, get help and go into remission or the other choice is really an early grave. I've ruptured blood vessels in my throat and bled seriously, I have severe GERD. I have bone loss right now I'm at risk of breaking the bones in my feet from not wearig the right footwear and I've had 8 teeth pulled. You have to ask yourself, do you hate yourself that much to do this?  Self loathing is so damaging . This dis-ease is about self hate and controlling the only thing you think you can.

I hope you can get some help, ED professionals are fully aware that weight has nothing to do with Bulemia.

[HalfEmpty]

Thank you so much for replying.. I totally agree that something is underlying in me somewhere that Im trrying to cover up. I havent had the best childhood either and when I was going to therapy she said that I never dealed with it.. I wonder sometimes how the hell am I supposed to deal with it, ya know? Things happened, I cant change them and well what else do I have to do?? Ive talked about it and talked about it and talked about it, but here I am still in this binge, purge cycle... Granted, I stopped therapy because the whole time I would continue to binge and purge (not as much maybe) and still go there. I dont know.

I have so many feelings that right now, Im not sure which ones are really mine? Do you feel that way? I mean im questioning everything in my life .. my family who I can NOT trust at all... I mean I tried to reach out to my mother about this and asked her to pls not say anything to anyone and what did she do? my whole family knows.. crazy..ya know? My husband gets so mad at me and just wants me to stop but he doesnt understand.. He sees me do this daily and hears me in the bathroom .. its killing us.. he gets so mad then I just shut down during this time .. next day , new beginning .. but then the friggin circle starts again lol .. its not funny but I have to laugh because if anyone told me years ago that I wld weigh this much, I would be so happy because I was so OBESE and now Im not but so unhappy with myself and what Im doing.. its crazy..

Feels good to get this off my chest and have someone that understands and have people able to relate.. Something crazy? I would like to do to a support group, but scared because I dont want people to look at me and think "She is bulimic? She's fat" .. CRAZY .. Feel like this is never going to just end. Its like I dont know what normal living is in anymore and jealous of people that can just live.

[runnersdialzero]

Hi. I know how you feel. I have eaten right and exercised my whole life and then all of the sudden last year I started binging and purging 3x a day. I have been doing it ever since and can't stop. It's like I'm in a trance and have lost all control. I feel so gross.

Please don't hate yourself, I think that just fuels the cycle. I read somewhere that it's common for people to develop bulimia after losing a lot of weight.

Of course getting counseling would be good, and collaborating with your husband. At least you KNOW how to do it the right way, and it sounds like you are ready to go back to that right way. I hear it's good to eliminate all binge-worthy foods from the house, write in a journal, listen to your body and determine what it needs food-wise and when, keep busy, try not to be alone in the beginning, etc.

Most of all I hear that EDs are about a loss of control and/or something beneath the surface that, instead of dealing with, we stuff with food. I'm trying to deal with the things that have caused me pain in my life, trying to come to peace with stuff, get it out of my system, accept and love myself (I know it sounds so corny, but...). And not just the more recent stuff on the surface, like my fiance dumping me and leaving me with nothing, but the stuff way back too. I spent the better part of my 20's loathing myself for things that were coming from a place I had no control over, like my crazy childhood (think Running with Scissors), my mom being an alcoholic all my life and shuffling us around from place to place, person to person. You know, fun stuff like that. There's gotta be something that's getting you, really bothering you. Fear, insecurity... something. And it's gotta be coming from somewhere.

Reading and posting here has been really encouraging and helpful too.