Personal responsibility

[Jaquta]

I was just reflecting on some of the questions and answers on these forums.

I have been confused by the starting and ending with reality.  I imagine I'm splitting this so it's not conforming.  If I compare it to say a journey for example, it seems to make more sense and feels more concrete.

I canceled my therapy sessions.  I felt the new T was unable to contain me and establish boundaries and it felt threatening and unsafe.  I need it to be safe to discuss emotional issues.

I was reflecting on when I began having issues with body image, food and weight.
My older sister told me I was fat.  Then when I stopped eating I was too thin.  My sister envies me certain things.  I would have liked to have been treated an equal (and not been judged).  (After weight it was intellect).
When my brother was younger he told me in tears one day that I got all the attention.  I think I sabotaged most things after that so that he had space.  I didn't need to do that, my brother is intelligent, honest and caring.  
Did I risk my happiness for my bother's and his self-esteem?

I was feeling the option of reality as the basis for decision making made everything seem more realistic.  Achievable somehow.  More empowering.

My question is affected by both mental health and emotional eating issues.
On the subject of personal responsibility, do you believe that if a person is feeling suicidal that that is their sole responsibility?  I'm feeling confused about a lot of things.  I just don't want to make a mistake because I don't understand.  
Is this manageable alone if I concentrate on reality?  The reality where things unfold naturally.  Is working through my emotional eating issues enough for now?
"Go back to your reality and make your life work."  Is this enough?  Does it work for a fragmented internal world?
This feels like my only hope and lifeline at the moment.

Sorry for asking these questions.

J

[Jaquta]

I know.  It has been wrong of me to take advantage of both yourself and the forums.
I know things haven't been great which is why I've been on these forums in the first place.

Therapy/ therapist: they have been major stumbling blocks.
I perceive I don't have the resources to attain either.  

Everything seems so black and white. Life, as others know and experience it, seems so unattainable.  I wish I could enjoy life without splitting off all the good.

My mood is fluctuating a little from feeling withdrawn because I don't feel I have options to feeling ... maybe this time things can change -I can change.  I don't trust it though.

"Starting with and ending with reality as the basis of your decision making keeps you on a sustainable track, tells you what you have to change in yourself, and will put your fears of change in perspective."

Maybe if I tell myself this enough and start applying it ...
I appreciate the path of least resistance is not always the best path.

Thanks for your time, care and concern.
J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I would like to help you but it would be wrong to try to do therapy in this forum or over the internet or in a piecemeal way...you must find a therapist you can trust to work through these many important and serious questions, especially your issues and thoughts about suicide.  You have many gifts as I can see by your sensitive and knowledgeable answers in these two forums and have all the ingredients to knit together the fragmented internal life you describe, so find that therapist...and yes, reality is what will ground you in all your work.......