how can i ask for help?

[fatty00]

I just feel like i need some help, but i cant even ask for it! :(
i had a perfect opportunity last week :( my lecturer (whos a past nurse) has been asking if im alright for quite a while and says that sometimes i look so pale that she gets worried about me. i was planning on telling her my 'secret' last week and she actually asked me if i was ok again, no one else was in the room, so i had a perfect chance to tell her whats going on... but i just physically cant :(
i get so panicky when people ask if im ok, that the only thing i can do is just say im fine

i suppose ive kept this a secret for so long that i find it so difficult to tell people :(


ive been suffering with anorexia for 7 years, and ive never had any help for it. i have tried to recover on my own so many times and my eating does get a little better but ive still got a stupid voice in my head telling me im worthless, that i dont deserve food, that im already fat.. i should be loosing weight

right now im far from recovery, my eating is getting worse every day, right now i only allow myself between 0-500 calories a day but even that s a struggle. I know how much this is affecting my health, i just feel like if i dont get any help soon i could die because i know how quickly this can become out of control and how quickly i can loose weight, ive currently lost 1st in less than a month.

i know all the consequences of not eating, im a student nurse myself. But i still cant make myself eat... its like a fear of eating, but alot worse...

im 19, if that helps anything

p.s. i have had past expereinces which have led to me having this, but i havnt had help for them either. i used to have a counceler when i was at school but i just couldnt tell her anything, i just said i was fine and that was the end of that.
whilst i had a counceller, my eating was really bad then aswell, and i was getting bullied and abused (mentally, phhysically and sexually), but still didnt tell her any of it.

[fatty00]

i understand that people who havnt gone through an eating disorder wont properly understand why i just cant eat. this is NOT to loose weight or for any boys to like me etc.
maybe this link might help you understand:

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Anorexic/748101

any advice would be appreciative!
im 19, if that helps anything

[ScarletSorrows]

well your far from fat and actually being so thin makes you look less atractive and more ugly and once you get that into your head you will be able to eat more yes food may be groose and it may make you feel groose try eating alone eat simple things chopped up small like yogurt or sliced apples fries chicken strips eat them with a fork so you dont half to touch it i know it may sound stupid but its how i eat my food i use to have an eating disorder well till i got pg. then i wanted a healthy baby i did not do it for myself i had to find a reason to get better...yes i cry cause of the weight gain ppl even say have you gained weight? then i wana ball my eyes out and stick my finger down my throat....im here if you wanna talk