i enjoy thowing up

[Becky3702]

hi, ive been bulimic for a year and a half now, its recently gotten worse as throwing up twice a day is becoming common. it's not tht i binge as such, its more certain foods make me want to throw up. i don't even think about it anymore, i enjoy eating the food because ino i wont hav to worry about the added weight, and in some way i like making myself sick. my family don't no but my brother has noticed that i eat foods in a certain way and order, which i have done since a was very young, im now nearly 18. i had never thought eating foods in a certain order was a sign of an eating disorder but he says it is, is it? i have also stopped going to parties because i feel that i don't fit in with most the people there and they don't like me because im quiet. i hav cut in the past but dont do tht anymore because it was hard to hide. i have tried to get help before but while on the waiting list, which was 3 months, i got worse and so when they offered me a place i turned it down because my mind set wasn't in recovery. i also don't feel as though i hav a sex drive, or more accurately i don't seek the physical attention from others, i dont know if this is related? my question is, do i just hav an eating disorder or is there more wrong with? im planning on studying as a mental health nurse next in september so it would be good to know if i'm going to be able to do it? if i were to get help what sort of treatment would be best, i hav thought about CBT but i don't think it would be right for me because it involves actively doing something which i know i wouldn't do and then lie and say i have, and i would most likely lie to the therapist and convince them im getting better just to please them? please help me, keeping secrets is so exhusting

[Jaquta]

People with eating disorders may approach and eat food differently.  For example, people with anorexia have been known to cut meals into very small pieces.
It could be that ordering your food helps you feel more in control and therefore less anxious.

I understand what you mean about the support.  I too at times have become frustrated and angry about delays in treatment and needing to tolerate and work through so much alone.  When the support does finally become available I have trouble accepting it.  I guess it must evoke feelings of rejection and abandonment and worthlessness and they can be difficult emotions to confront.

It could be that you have issues with body image and self-confidence.
Weight can be a physical (and emotional) defense for some people.

I think your issues may go deeper.  You sound a lot like me in some respects and I was diagnosed with bpd.
The doctor here seems to refrain from offering diagnoses (partly because that would be irresponsible over the net but also) because I get the impression he feels they are damaging and believes working on the symptoms is more useful.
I think he's right to a point.

I have found psychoanalysis extremely beneficial.  CBT, DBT, ITP, etc not so much.  Dr Gould has a website (myvirtualshrink.com) you may like to check out.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Becky you have a combination of problems, and what you need is a good psychiatrist to sit down with you and sort them out....you should not chose a method now, but a person who you can trust and talk too...Jaquta gave you good advice and can get online self help at either one of my sites to get you started..they are shrinkyourself.com for emotional eating; and myvirtualshrink.com to help change your behavior and your attitude and find solutions for problems bothering you.