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1366914 tn?1290866656

relapse???

I have struggled for 15 years with ED. It had been nothing dramatic, as I was able to come off quickly and get myself on track again. Last year however it was really bad. I went from a diet to calorie restriction then down to 0 calories daily, until I had gotten ill several times and was put into an eating disorder clinic. That time I just could not stop. I am 29 years old.
My reason for posting tonight is because I am trying to figure out if you can relapse or bein to relapse and not even know it yourself?About 9 weeks ago i ws put on a medication for thyroid disorder. Levothyroxine 100mcg. Within a week my appetite all but disappeared. I still don't have it back, I am breaking around 700 calories daily as an average, and about 240 of them are from soda to begin with. My counselor (though not an ed specialist) seems to me like she thinks I am relapsing. She has mentioned prospects of returning to ed inpatient a few times now. My psych doc seems to be thinking the same. In the last 7-8 weeks I have lost 21 pounds. I keep thinking though that it is my thyroid medication causing me to lose my appetite. But I have also been realizing lately that I weigh my self about 2-3 times per day again, and I am feeling the rush everytime I realize I have dropped a pound a disappointment when i realize i have stayed the same weight, and a disgust/panic if i gain back more than 1/2 of a pound. Could this really be a relapse or one starting, when I myself think it is my pill? I am only questioning bcause of my couselors comments. Is it really possible to not even know yourself? Or is still possible that maybe it is just the medication? Noone seems to want to look into the med question, they only go off about ed. (I was diagnosed nos-not otherwise specified.) I don't know what to think. Anyone have any thoughts? Please? I am getting back working towards my degree in college, i restart on sept 8th after a year off. Lots of stress and worry, plus I was just recently taken off a mood stabilizer (lithium) and put on a different med geodon. Please tell me your honest thoughts. I really would appreciate it. Thanks
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Avatar universal
You have done a great job of explaining exactly how you are feeling and what is going on for you. And, yes, I do think you are in relapse. You yourself know the feelings and the behaviors that are a part of your ed (if not, ask the therapist to tell you which things she is seeing). It is unlikely to be the thyroid medication causing you to lose that kind of weight and I think your disease is latching on to that as an excuse. But if you want a simple answer just ask your doctor to run a thyroid test; he probably intended to do this soon to see how the meds are working. That will reassure you that you are in correct range. I suggest you either find a therapist who is an ed specialist or consider the suggestions for inpatient. You might also attend OA meetings for additional support (they are meant for people with all kinds of eating disorders) Best of luck to you. Recovery is possible. I have 16 years of recovery from my own eating disorder.
Helpful - 0
1366914 tn?1290866656
I actually just cam home from therapy. My therapist flat out put in my face if this is going to continue inpatient is where I will be going. I just want to be home for my daughters birthday, she will be three, we picked her themes bought some of the stuff...
And I am supposed to finally go back to school to start working on my degree again, I am starting on the 8th, and this has been delayed more than I like already, I am never going to finish if I don't actually go back one of these days. My therapist looked over the food journal and found the calories to be far below what she expects. I see her again on Tuesday, as well as my psych doc this friday. My therapist mandated a weeks goal of 1000 calories per day, beverages seperated, as a start. She will review with me in a week. I don't even know where this all came out from. I was doing real good. and I just don't see what happened. After talking to her I can't put in too much denial. You are right about that. I thought I was doing well too. I am very disappointed in myself at the moment.
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Avatar universal
Please don't beat up on yourself. An eating disorder is a disease, the same as asthma or diabetes. You wouldn't be mad at yourself for getting those, or for having a relapse of symptoms. Eating disorders are prone to relapse and sometimes the thing that triggers it can be very small. Even after 16 years recovery I sometimes have to fight against negative thoughts that I know would send me back there; the only difference is with a strong recovery they are just thoughts and I have learned to "watch them go by"  and not act on them. If you are unable to get a hold of things, well your health is more important than anything, and you won't have those other things to enjoy if things get worse with your ED. But let's hope maybe you can use the tools you've gained in therapy and get back on track as your therapist has suggested. I'll be rooting for you!
Helpful - 0
1366914 tn?1290866656
Thank you for your encuragement. I am going to try the best I can to kick this without further treatments with inpatient. I have to try to remember the little things that added up to make the major difference last year in getting myself back on track. I have been thinking about it a lot, and realize there have been some major stressors in my life recently, which probably hlped lend to a back slip. Also I think one mental image and memory could help me a lot. That is, when I came home from inpatient last year, I had only been gone 16 days. I walked in the door of my apartment and my then 22 month old wanted nothing to do with me. I came in and tried to scoop her up for a hug and she just screamed and scramed for daddy. It took about 3 days before she would let me hold her, hug her, give her kisses...I was heartbroken. My daughter will be three in a few months, and I am going to use that memory to my advantage. I do not think I can handle being totally rejected by my daughter another time if I were to go inpatient. And then I think too, what is this doing to her and her sense of bond and security?  My daughter has been my driving force in a couple inaptient psychiatric stays (usually a weekend). My daughter has known me to be here no matter what now for about  year, as there have been no inpatient stays of any type. I am going to do my best to help her hold onto that security...I NEED to be here for my daughter. I am going to use this to the best of my advantage. Thank you again...
Helpful - 0
1366914 tn?1290866656
Hi, it is quarter after 3 (am) I can't sleep, and I see my psych doc at 9am. I tried to stick to the calorie thing my therapist mandated. The first day I went way overboard, maybe trying to prove myself. The second day ws a little bit ogf the same i think. Now yesterday (the 3rd day) I am right back down to where I was last week. Not meeting my therapists expectations at all. I am nervous about going in tomorrow. I do not know what my psych will say, and I just do not have the energy for an argument. Is there anything that worked for you to just start to try to get back on track? I know we are 2 different people, with differing experiences, and what worked for you may not work for me....I was just wondering if you have any thoughts that maybe you cuold pass my way. I started typing this tonight because I needed to do something with my hands to keep from the urge for self harm. That is one thing I have a grip on, making sure my hands are busy keeps my hands off of me so to speak. I know hw to prevent that type of thing now. I really do not understand what happened still, and I am trying to go back and "look through" things. Thinking is that maybe if I find the trigger and can reverse this. I do not want to go back inpatient, though I know I probably shuold. There are just so many things going on right now, that I need to be out. And I know most or all of that is ust an excuse for not getting help, and facing things, but those thoughts are really there, and lately I have been doing a great job of keeping myself in the dark. Meaning everyone else can see my crap for what it is, and then there is me, and me alone, trying to deny and defend. Well, i just wanted to talk for a bit. I hope you didn't mind. I will end now, as I really do not know what to say cuz I am not thinking things right. Thank you for listening.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm sorry you had trouble sleeping and hope your appointment with your doctor went well. Yes, we are different people and I tended more to bulimia than anorexia. But for me, the key was in recognizing that it wasn't about weight or food at all. It was about the emotions behind the weight and food issues. If you are getting unhealthy and dangerously thin, than the priority is to get your weight up and your health back. But after that, the idea is to get your focus off weight and food and onto your feelings. A good therapist can help you do that. If you don't feel your therapist is helping you to look at your emotions and your self image perhaps your psych doc can recommend a different one. I also discourage you from weighing yourself multiple times a day; that is just a way to stay obsessed on the numbers. I have a cat with eating problems so need to weigh her every day. I do this by weighing us together, than me alone and subtracting. Even with sixteen years recovery this is bugging me to watch the normal fluctuations of my weight every day. In OA they actually recommend you to get rid of the scale entirely because we obsess on those numbers and it triggers relapse. I learned to focus on eating healthy, three meals a day and nothing in between with absolutely no sugar as for me that is highly addictive and I can't control it. I enjoy my food, never eat, and my weight stays the same. Dieting is a no-no, because it triggers everything.
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1366914 tn?1290866656
I was diagnosed ed-nos. I am not under weight, but other than that have some symptoms of both anorexia, and bulimia. I think the biggest thing that my head holds onto is just that fact....I am not underweight, and with my head holding that thought, I am able to convince myself--but not on purpose--that this is all ridiculus. I tell myself well if yuo could get to an ideal weight that would be great.When i was in a psych hospital at the age of 14, was when they originally declared an eating disorder, at that time they did say anorexia, and I was 87 pounds. But I left that hospital and moved to a different relative, in a different state. And I was dropped, to my at the time happyness to go somewhere noone knew me. I had little back and forth bouts, but from then on had maintained a health weight. Until I turned 18. I was put on a psych drug zyprexa, and my weight shot up over 2 years. I was now way overweight. And I started having little bouts again, and lost some to gain it back, etc. Last year when I went into an inpatient ed clinic I was still overweight somewhat. I had lost a lot of weight really fast though and that is why I ended up there, and that would be the stay I mentioned earlier in posts. So now I weigh less than I did when i went in last year. But still not underweight. But just recently I dropped a lot again which I think I mentioned too in a earlier post. My head keeps telling me nothing will happen yuo won't get sick...your not even near skinny enough to worry about that. Now in all actuality I know what this is doing to my body, but am almost crazed with the thought of "I have to meat my goal" and this has been my fall back. Unrealistic goals, unrealistic time frames, slowly getting sicker again. If I could just get one half my head to agree with the other I could maybe be ok. But i just keep running it through and through, and come out with nothing or not much to eat. yesterday was a bad day for me, bt so were the 2 before that. Remember my therapist wanted me to meet her goal calorie consumption every day this week. I came out of her office with a "need to prove" and I went above 2000 two days in a row. I felt horrible, mentally and physically. Then yesterday I shot way way under her goal. Today has not been much better and even as I sit here and write this I can still feel the tug in my head telling me I probably wont be eating anything more today. I try to replace that thought but then my hunger disappears. It is friday today and I see my therapist again on tuesday, and i want my week to look better for her but realistically I don't see it happening. I just don't care too much anymore about a lot of things. I want to meet this goal to "keep her off my back", not because I care if I get sick or eat or not eat. When I reach that place for me it is a bad spot to be in. When I just don't care anymore, anything and everything seem impossible, and I just want to give up and give in.....but then there is my daughter, and I want to try to fight for her, but my head just does not stay wrapped around the idea. I think is is really great that you have had 16 years in recovery. I hope I cam say that too someday, but it just seems to be impossible. I know it's not, but at the same time I feel it is.
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Avatar universal
I know it seems impossible, but you'll get there one day. You might want to re-read your last post and see how obsessed with weight and food. Then imagine writing the same length about feelings without saying one word about food. Or actually do it in your diary. Then bring it in to your therapist to talk about. I never ask people what they weigh on here. And as you know you've been overweight, underweight, and somewhere in there when you didn't notice it you were the exact right weight. But none of it made you happy. That's because happiness has nothing to do with weight or food. And when you REALLY get that, you will be well on yoru way. When I finally got into recovery it was because I wanted all the craziness to stop. I cared about that more than a number on a scale. You're right, it is like one part of your mind disagreeing with another part. But you will find slowly, day by day, the strong and healthy part will become the one "in charge".
Helpful - 0
1366914 tn?1290866656
Hi. I know it's been awhile. Things have been up and down, more down than up usually...but I am trying. My therapist had me reconnect with a dietitian again. I will start seeing her on Oct. 8th. I am already a bit nervous, and I do not know this lady, because the dietitian I had quit recently and they had to replace her. I have started back up in school, and I am doing a required phy ed class currently. It had been going ok. I had to do a 3 day nutritional assessment and analysis for class...the results were not surprising to me. Yesterday I started the activity requirement for the course. It will last for 5 weeks. I basically had to make an exersice regime, and I need to follow it a minmum of 3 days per each of the 5 weeks. Day two now, and already I am thinking of ways to step it up more. I really didn't realize that a class in school could be such an issue. I have a question for you though. Last time I was seeing a dietitian was straight out of inpatient. I knew what she would be expecting, and it was just the next step, I didn't think much of it at all. Now with this new woman I will begin seeing shortly I have all kinds of fears and self-conciousness. I keep thinking that going in to see her for the first time while I am not really doing so well, even though I have been out of inpatient for awhile, and had done well for awhile, is going to set off a first impression of me that I would rather not have.I keep telling myself I shouldn't be where I am at right now, that I should be doing good, having been out of inpatient for a year. I for some reason have fear of going in to see her in the spot that I have put myself back into. Do yuo have any suggestions for getting over the jitters about this?
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1366914 tn?1290866656
sorry for the typo on your id in the last post
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1418958 tn?1328934250
Yup, relapse.
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