responsibility

[Jaquta]

What is your view on taking full responsibility for your life when you have issues?
Am I investing too much energy in trying to get appropriate (and adequate) psychotherapy input?  Should I be trying to work through this alone?  I don't understand this.  The mhs don't seem to take responsibility or be accountable for anything.
I'm tired of being confronted by a painful history because there hasn't been appropriate support and interventions.  And tired of struggling so much too.  Tired of living my life on that thin, frayed thread.  Really tired.

So being tired is now in my conscious mind as being emotional (and not physical)?

I write this here because everything seems to pertain to early childhood issues and relates quite heavily to food.  Even if it's not stated directly.

J

I don't understand what's happening.  Maybe that instability component.
Life is so short I hate to waste it all by ...?? being such a waste of time and space.  I hate how much I abuse myself.

[Jaquta]

My second therapy session with this new T was really difficult.
He said therapy and/or medication and work can bring about the swiftest changes.
I became very defensive and withdrew.  I wasn't expecting a second session to cover work.  We haven't even discussed the contract he was going to draw up.  Did he even write one?
He suggested the difficulty came from feeling invalidated.  Perhaps he's right.  Talking about work, which is extremely stressful for me, on top of everything else that has been going on was hard.  Does work invalidate current crises??

He was sounding a little like his wife too.  One session is a luxury and you need to find your supports elsewhere.  That's what the wife said.  He didn't but it felt like he wanted me to work so that he as my new T wouldn't have to take responsibility for my care.  Maybe I felt he was setting me adrift causing a feeling of disconnect and a sense of being abandoned, again.  (Especially when I'm struggling).

Perhaps I need to explain my experiences with his wife and how this is affecting me now.  It could help to clarify things.  It is extremely painful though.

I did ask if he brought up work to deliberately trigger me.  That was a good way to get material to work with.  He wondered if it had damaged our relationship permanently.  I made another appointment for next week and he is away the week after due to school holidays.

I've forgotten how difficult and challenging therapy can be.  My last T made therapy almost a pleasure.

It feels like a disaster in progress with the one session a week.  I didn't expect to feel so raw, stressed and unhappy again.

Feelings pass, thankfully, and you mentioned not needing to be afraid of the thoughts and memories (as well as the feelings).
I need to revisit old posts and write stuff down so I can review it easily.  Not just your responses to my posts either.  Comments you've made to other members have been helpful too.

I was thinking about the birthday stuff too.  Sorry, everything with me is 'stuff', whatever that implies.  I'm just referring to issues, etc.  Maybe 'stuff' is off-hand as in throw away or rubbish.  Stuff which I don't want or don't want to confront??

Last year my father travelled away to do some consultancy work.  Mum asked if he would come home on the day of my birthday.  My father did come home.  I greeted him as he came in (because I was practically standing in front of him) and he didn't even acknowledge me.  He then went down and gave my mother flowers (usually a peace offering).  He didn't even say anything, just prattled on about his trip.  Didn't seem to care that mum and I had spent all day cleaning rafters, etc.  It's true that some men (and women) don't see.  It was hurtful (feeling invisible and insignificant particularly as it was my birthday).  It's bad enough just hearing parents say they don't care if you die.  Sometimes it makes me wonder if they really care at all.
The breast stuff caused them to panic but they never really saw me and how much I was hurting.  They still don't.

I'm just rambling.  It's my responsibility to communicate how I feel (even if they dismiss what I say).  I mentioned the comment about feeling unsafe in therapy.  My mother said no I wasn't unsafe.  What would she know?  Maybe we shouldn't protect our families and give them gory details.

It just reminded me of anniversaries and dates.  I don't need to think about this right now, it's too depressing.  Death use to seem so ?appealing -exciting even.  Now it's just bland and tiring.  

Make life work ...

[Jaquta]

So being stuck would indicate a need for more 'robust' understanding (through conversations ?and experiences.  Perhaps a conversation is an experience.  It's frustrating when everything is so fragmented and contradictory.)

The abuse stuff is everywhere.  I eat too much or I don't eat enough.  I exercise too much or don't exercise at all.  Issues with medication and alcohol (although that is rare).  Probably the negativity and dribble I feed myself is the most damaging.

I regret so many things in my life.  And even my life itself at times.  Talking to you is one of the few things I don't regret.  Although that is bound to change tomorrow.  And it would be nice if I weren't so negative and naive and unintelligent.  I regret how and what I've posted but I don't regret coming to this site.  Not yet anyway.

I think when we do engage in life, as opposed to being an observer, we do feel uplifted.

A moral responsibility almost implies that we aren't taking responsibility either.  A moral responsibility seems to represent some burden.  It almost suggests that life isn't working either.
You sometimes answer questions here though because you feel you have a moral obligation/ responsibility, don't you?  For the most part though I think you probably find it rewarding because you're helping others.  Maybe even caring for others?
How do people become that selfless?  You must have, or had, great parents and support network.  I wonder if that's what gives us stability and self-assurance.
I feel I haven't had that, but perhaps that was more due to my own temperament??

I think I understood what you meant by responsibility.  The end product anyway.  And I think for me that is what I refer to as spirituality.  Nothing particularly religious, just uplifting, secure, content, ..., safe, energized, motivated, happy.  Probably just all those warm fuzzies really.

Does studying medicine make you, or other doctors, appreciate life that much more?
Perhaps not all doctors because I think the meaning of life can go over their heads too.  But then maybe they are the ones engaged in it??  I was just wondering if it made your life richer.

My thought processes deviate somewhat from the issues raised.

My life is getting shorter.  It's my birthday in about ten days time.  Time seems to stand still and then just fly.  Time is another one of those very confusing concepts.

Thanks for reading and listening.
J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You should continue to get whatever help you can, but the purpose of the help is to orient you, through conversations, to a robust understanding of what you need to do to make your life work, which is exactly the opposite of abusing yourself.  Life is short..getting momentum forward is uplifting, and engaging... that is what I mean about responsibility..its not a moral responsibility...is more about agency.

[Jaquta]

I was just thinking this morning that you sound a little like my GP.  While my GP says everything is stress-related, with you, it is responsibility-related.
It's interesting how I seem to complicate even the most basic thing(s).

It was just an observation.  Something which says more about me than anything else.  Other than being guided, by others, towards principles that may elicit change.

Do you think me seeing my GP weekly is excessive?
At times I feel frustrated by the frequency of contact, yet at other times I feel it is a lifeline.  It's so confusing.

J