36 male fine for outerplay but can't have intercourse

[Fakenameforme]

Tldr: 36 year old male. Formerly on lexapro for about 4 years. Been off for just under 2 months. Split 2 years ago from wife who was first and only partner. Marriage ended because she cheated on me. Didn't use to have a problem, but since seperation been with 3 women and oral/hand is fine but intercourse I always go soft and can't achieve penetration. Don't masturbate for several days before dates. Tried Cialis yesterday, 20 mg, still didn't happen.  


Ex wife was disabled for a big chunk of our relationship, so intercourse was infrequent and carefully done when it did occur, but I did not have any erectile problems when it did. When I went on lexapro my sex drive did suffer, and it took a lot longer to achieve orgasm (and sometimes didn't) but not the problem I'm having now.


First woman I was with post marriage I was extremely physically and emotionally into. But she was religious and had those "this is sex and this isn't" rules that some religious people have. Penis in vagina was no go, penis up and down vaginal lips was ok. So penetration was never an option but I never had any concern about being capable of it. I never had any issue of maintaining an erection and even though I was on the lexapro I still had a desire and want.


Second woman I was with, we had been sexting and the like. But before we met she said she didn't want to have sex in the first date because in the past she had been with guys who couldn't get it up on the first date. I laughed at that idea but was like, whatever your boundaries are your boundaries I respect them.


I wonder if that's what put it in my head.


We did end up 3rd base in the car anyway without a problem but didn't even attempt intercourse.


When we did attempt on our next date though it... Just didn't happen. I'd go soft everytime I tried to enter her. I wasn't as attracted to her as I was the other woman, and we were FWB path, not relationship path, so I hoped it was a combo of lexapro, not enough attraction, and just getting used to being with someone else.


After 2 times with her where it happened I reached out to my therapist and we talked about how it is probably am anxiety feedback loop and I need to just get lost in the moment and just let it happen and not put pressure on myself because that makes it worse.


Anyway this woman and I met up once a month for awhile. She was understanding (said she had her own issues in the past) and we kept trying but it never ******* happened. Always soft when trying penetration.  


Went off the lexapro then in August. Doctor supervised, I didn't just stop it.


Started seeing a new woman a couple weeks ago. Attraction is not an issue. In her mid 20's and definitely sexy. Very enthusiastic. I am crazy turned on - really want her. And yet, again, can't do the ******* deed. Worse, she says she can only cum when she son top. Oral/fingering don't work for her, has only came from penetration. I orgasm twice our first night together from her stimulation but everytime I try to enter her - it does, then springs back up immediately afterwards.


I mention to my doctor my issues. He gives me Cialis to try, stat with 10 mg but can use 20. Says it's probably a confidence thing, use a pill a couple times and I won't need them any more.


So I took 20 mg yesterday, because I don't want to risk just the 10, an hour before she gets here. Couple hours after she gets here we start fooling around. I'm very aroused. Go for it and... Whomp whomp. Try another couple of times, and same thing. Get up, go to go in, drop. Like my penis is allergic to vaginas.  


She's not happy at this point, she doesn't say it, but she just stops cold and says she's done and doesn't want to fool around anymore. I apologize, stress that it's not her, and that there is something wrong in my head. We chat and cuddle watch some of a movie for another couple hours before she leaves. She texts me that she is home safe but otherwise haven't heard from her.


Anyone else have a similar issue? How did you get by it?

[GuitarRox]

I agree with the wise BonzoDog.  Our minds can sure do a number on us.  Is working with your therapist regularly an option?

[BonzoDog]

Thx for the compliment, GR - likewise, I think you often give some great advice...

Good Q about wrkg w/ a therapist - I kinda know what needs to happen, but how to get there is the Q. As you said, our minds can really get in the way at times...

[Fakenameforme]

Unfortunately I have limited benefits for therapy but am applying to a program he recommended that would give me 12 sessions through the public health provider that, while not focused on sexual issues, would focus on anxiety and/or trauma so would help this area as well

[GuitarRox]

That benefits thing is such a burn for counselors.  I paid out of pocket.  Sometimes it doesn't take very many sessions but can be really helpful in a speedy way.  I think talking to the counselors too about limited funds, that sometimes, not always, but sometimes, they will work with someone on the finance issue.  And if your anxiety is due to sexual issues and it's all wrapped up, I'd feel free to bring it up.  It's all part of it.  Let us know how it goes.  

[BonzoDog]

Very tough situation - it can happen to a lot of guys. There’s no doubt in my mind you do NOT have a physical prblm, since you’re able to have erections & ejaculate, it’s just the penetration part that’s getting to you. What happens w/ us guys is, we put tremendous pressure on ourselves to ‘perform’ - I’ve said it before & will again, this is a TERRIBLE word! We’re not trained circus animals that perform a stunt to get a treat! What happens is, we want so badly for evthg to go well, please our partner & ‘be a man’ that we start self-spectating - ‘How am I doing? Is she enjoying this? Will I impress her with my hard erection & staying power?’, etc. These kinds of thoughts are basically disastrous - if you’re putting all this pressure on yourself, you won’t be able to relax & let it happen - high levels of stress cause release of adrenaline, which kills the sexual response.

So the good news is, you don’t have a physical prblm - your Dr is correct that this is a Psychological issue. On the other hand, there are drugs which can help w/ physical prblms, but Psych issues can sometimes be harder to overcome. Altho sometimes giving a ‘boost’ via Biafra, Cialis, etc., can help give a guy confidence & once you’re sort of ‘over the hump’ (no pun intended!), things return to normal without help from a medication, so your Dr. was right to try that - I wdn’t give up on it jus yet - also try Viagra, that might work better for you...

I guess the best advice is to be straight up with your partner, tell her you’re very attracted to her, that it’s definitely NOT related to a lack of attraction & that you two just need to take things slow for awhile, stick to ‘outercourse’ (which can be EXTREMELY pleasurable) for awhile till you’re 100% comfortable with each other. If after a good heart-to-heart about this, she’s stand-offish about it, she’s prbly not the person you were meant to be with anyway.

Bottom line - this is supposed to be FUN, not work! Nothing wrong with ‘working’ on things, like asking your partner what she likes & how, etc., but in the moment, it shd all be about fun & pleasure & take the focus off ‘performing’...

I’d like to add that I’d appreciate hearing from some women readers out there - how did you deal with this type of prblm? Were you able, thru a patient & understanding attitude, to overcome it?

One thing I want to say - and please don’t take this as criticism in any way - but I think SOME women are not as understanding about this issue - after all, most times a woman can still have sex even if she’s not particularly turned on. For example, if she’s not wet enuf, it’s entirely acceptable to use a good lube to enable penetration. So there’s not as much ‘performance’ pressure for her. For a guy, though, if he’s not adequately hard, it’s gonna be a no-go for penetration & that’s just devastating to guy’s self-esteem - he feels like a failure & that he’s not much of a man.  I do understand that women have their own issues to deal with - ‘Am I attractive enuf? Does he think my breast are too small? Is he turned if by my (fill in the blank)?’, etc.

So ladies, please chime in with your thoughts on this - maybe we can help Fakenameforme out of a tough situation. Any advice on this would be appreciated...

[BonzoDog]

Obviously meant ‘Viagra’, not ‘Biafra’!

Also, forget to mention, I think the Lexapro, your ex-wife’s disability & the mention of ‘Prblms on the 1st date’  may all have had some contribution to the issue you’re having now.

One sdd’l thought - guys always worry that if they ‘can’t get it up’, their wife or GF will go find it elsewhere w/ another guy - that’s another humiliating & terrifying thought! Ladies, I hope some of you can assure your guy you will NOT dump him (assuming the relationship is otherwise good) because of smthg like this & that you’d be willing to help him thru this issue. I really believe that with a fully understanding partner, this kind of thing can be overcome...

[Fakenameforme]

Thanks for the reply. My doctor said to keep trying the Cialis before he prescribed anything else.  I did stress to the girl that it's not her, that it's definitely something going on causing a mental block.  

She said she'd like to keep seeing me and put less focus on sex but would bring toys so when sex develops if I'm not able to perform I can still get her off with them - which I'm all for and had suggested the first time it happened.  

I think part of the issue is I'm not with these women constantly enough for my anxiety to ease.  The FWB was once a month and pretty much just for sex.  This girl I've only seen twice and, again, straight to bed each time.