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Husband loses erection after penetration

I'm a 29F married to my 32M husband. We've been married for 5 years, and didn't have penetrative sex before marriage (though we did play around with oral sex, hand stuff, etc.) So once we were married and starting to have sex, I've noticed that it can hurt on my end especially if I'm not lubed up properly or relaxed enough (despite us always having had some amount of foreplay with oral sex etc.) I've found it hard to relax too after the first several experiences hurting. I also think it's from lack of experience and not having had a lot of sex. So far throughout our marriage we really only have sex a few times a year. I've also struggled with not having much sex-drive due to birth control, which has been a turn-off to him because he doesn't think I want it, it's just not something I crave I guess the way guys do.
However, the problem recently has been that once we're both ready and I feel ready for insertion, he loses his erection. Recently I've preferred being on top for our initial go because it gives me some control over the speed and easing into having penetrative sex. I've asked him about why he thinks he's lost the erection and he's said it's because it isn't "fast enough." Last night after attempting intercourse and losing the erection, we just decided to do oral sex, except after about 5-10 minutes of oral sex, he still couldn't get an erection.
So this has been somewhat of a recurring theme in our relationship the past couple years, and I'm worried it's because I'm not preforming well enough, but ultimately I think it's a psychological thing. On my end I've bought a couple sex toys: a vibrator, a dildo, and a couple dilators. When I masturbate, I'm usually able to get the dildo in and have a generally pleasurable experience. It's not the same as the real thing though imo lol! So I feel like I'm genuinely trying to get used to the penetrative experience. I don't know how much he's masturbating himself or if he's watching porn, but in an earlier part of our relationship I know that was something he engaged in. I haven't noticed him having morning erections either, which is something he used to have earlier in our relationship.
So I guess my question is: is it unreasonable to expect that the penis can just slide right in after foreplay? I have this feeling that his experience is jaded by porn and he thinks it just goes in immediately unencumbered and he can just go to town as soon as foreplay is done. Or is sex supposed to be a little more slower than that at least initially and intensity builds.
I don't know if I need to get help physically (I've had a discussion on the uncomfortableness on my end with my gyno and they said to make sure we have lots of lube and foreplay), mentally (we've previously been through marriage counseling to increase better communication and work through intimacy), or if maybe he needs to change his expectations or seek medical help.
Sorry for all the rambling, I hope this makes sense. I really needed to get this off my mind.
1 Responses
20620809 tn?1504362969
Do you think your husband masturbates a fair amount?  When we do that, man or woman, we sort of get used to a direct sensation that is hard to replicate.  Sex is also great but in long term relationships, well, you know, there is familiarity and also all the relationship/psychological stuff as you mentioned.  I would consider a hiatus from masturbation for you both.  Then meet in a week and a half.  That may do the trick as he will be quite ready by then!  I would remember that you two are in a committed relationship and both wanting this to work.  Show each other what you like (what you do for yourself) with no hard feelings.  This is to enhance things to be together, not an insult that you are still figuring out what each other likes best.  Some men, for example, really like oral and then penetration after or a hand involved and then penetration.  Be open.  And then you can tell him how you like him to move his hips or whatever to give you the most satisfaction.  And if there are still issues, ya, talk to his doctor.  The psychological issues are definitely a thing with erection but there can be medical reasons too that must be ruled out.  Once they are, you can work on what mental thing is holding him back.  I think you need to also make him feel very desired and I'm sure you do!
2 Comments
Thank you for your response. I think those are all good ideas. I'm not sure how much he may masturbate, but I think it may be several times a week.
That's a good place to start if he is open to the idea that this may be interfering.  
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