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Urgent: Medical student and floaters

Dear Doctor,

I am on the verge of committing suicide. I was diagnosed with lattice degeneration while in first year of medical school. I also developed bother some floaters during this time. I have tried hard to deal with stress of school along with the debilitating condition of a messed up vision but after 400 days of constant battle with the self, with the studies, with the challenges of life, I do not think I can carry on any further.

I seem to be the only one in my medical class who has been striken by such misfortune of health. I have started enjoying self-immolation, at times I feel like engorging my eye balls out for good. At least I will then have an excuse which the world will accept: I could not become a doctor because I at least had a serious condition: blindness. Unlike how they respond now with "your "floaters" are just in your head. You are perfectly healthy. Dont be a coward. Be competitive."

Thanks.
11 Responses
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Avatar universal
I predict you will get this through this just fine. I have had severe floaters in both eyes and know that it can seriously impact your life and make you irritable, angry and emotional. The vitrectomy I had was worth it even though I've had chronic macular edema as a result and would do it again.
And, I predict these experiences will (or should) make you a better doctor.  I have a healthcare career. Everyday, I deal with people with heart disease, cancer, kidney or liver disease, seizures, debilitating chronic pain, paralysis. Life is not fair. But dealing with it is all in our perspective as we chose to see and do what is positive or focus on the bad.
Helpful - 0
1573381 tn?1296147559
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
You need to call student health and see a counselor immediately.  This will be confidential and not get back to your faculty unless you are a threat to others.  (I'm assuming you are not).  Many med students get even tougher challenges (cancer, debilitating illness, loss of family members etc).  You just have to have the support to get through it.  It usually is tougher around exam time.  After you get counselling, if it is determined that the floaters are truly the main source of all your problems, then you can consider vitrectomy to remove them with possible barricade laser to lattice to protect against Retinal  detachment.  Have in mind you may need cataract surgery after that but still better than scratching your eyes out.  Do call the counselor with student health.  Usually they cover all the programs and since not directly connected to the medical school, those in control of your future will not know about it.  Confidentiality is better protected than you think and you need someone with the right training to guide you through all the stress you are going through.  You can also get private counselling outside on your own but the coat will be significant.

HV
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Avatar universal
I didn't mean re-evaluate your goals regarding medicine per se but more about your own expectations you have of yourself.  Your previous goals would have been set when you were healthier, maybe you need to bring them back in line with your current situation.  A lot of stress is perhaps coming from the fact that your values are different from your expectations or current abilities.

I have found that stress and anxiety have made my floaters appear worse.  Visual migraines were one diagnosis I was given.

Despite what mottos your class mates use I think that you have used this as motivation and as a consequence are more competitive.
I also think that while not cowardly you are using avoidance as a strategy.  I think that you're struggling to accept the reality of this set back.

From my own perspective I like to see doctors that are emotionally in tune.  I don't think that the brightest doctor or the doctor with the highest grades is necessarily the best doctor.

Have you thought about how you would advice a patient if they came to you with the same difficulties?

I have learned through experience that weaknesses can be strengths.

I would prefer to see a doctor who was aware of their limitations and who was open about them.  I believe it would be wise to utilize the resources you have available to you.

Life isn't always fair but to be honest if you have a few floaters you could perhaps consider yourself extremely fortunate.  Many people aren't so lucky.

It's good that you're so passionate about medicine.  It's nice to see.

Surgery, if it is advised, sounds like it could be a good investment.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
We all have life's challenges.  It may seem tough now but you will get over this.

I am healthy male never been admitted to hosital all my years, good job, house in escrow then due to accident retinal detachment in eye.

The surgery and recovery petiod took almost a year.  My employer fired me, cancel escrow, seller demanded $3000
To cancel purchase and mortgage , searched and hired lawyer,  medical bills, unsure of my future, couldnt see so my elderly mother cook and take care of me.  I was 39 at the time.   Yes, I had severe deoression too.  Thoughts of suicide came to mind.

But I fought this.  My vusion is poor but I persevered and found comparable  
Job, bought a home and almost back to how I was befire injury.

I still have floaters and bubbles that interferes with my vision but I got used to it

You need to be strong and find support from friends and family and god if you believe to get through this bump in the road of life.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hello Jodie

Yes, a friend and classmate used the pyschiatric and other medical services.

Yes, I have vitrectomy in my mind but somewhere down the road, not right now. Firstly, I cannot afford it monetarily, being burdened by loans. Secondly, do not have the luxury of time, cuz I'd need few weeks of rest after surgery. Medical school does not allow such options. Perhaps in summer. Maybe.

I am happy to hear about the progress you have had after your vitrectomy. Keep enjoying your vision, do not take it for granted as I did many many years ago.

Ive been a downward spiral since 2005. I was first diagnosed with severe scalp folliculitis, which suck the joy out of my life while I was an undergrad student and wanted to get into med school. I lived through it. Took accutane to control folliculitis. I believe accutane has resulted in this new ordeal that I have.

Thankfully, by God's mercy I guess, my scalp is fine now. But these floaters emerged out of nowhere ... seems I have been scapegoat for life to take its revenge upon humanity.

thanks.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I cannot advise you about treating your floaters.  I can say I have had a vitrectomy (twice) to peel an epiretinal membrane and would consider it an "easy" surgery from the patient's perspective.  With an experienced surgeon using the newer, "sutureless" instruments, my surgery and recovery were totally painless.  I could drive, read, and use the computer the day after surgery.  So don't rule out this treatment option.

Everybody has difficulties and weaknesses.  The psychiatrist at your medical school would be bound by confidentially not to discuss your case or condition with others.  I'm certain that many of your classmates have taken advantage of his/her services, with total privacy.
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Avatar universal
Hi Shindi,

It has been over a year since my floaters became visible to me.

They have not totally faded away. Actually they have become more motile within my eye.

Jaquta:
Thanks for your advice but I do not want to re-evaluate my goals regarding doing medicine and becoming a doctor. I have sacrificed a lot during my undergraduate and afterwards to get admission, written the gruesome 6 hours MCAT, studied for it day and night out, and lots of other sacrifices. On top of that, the loan that I have. I cannot just drop out of med school and reevaluate my goals just because of floaters.

But on the other hand, floaters are sucking out the enjoyment of being a medical student. They are sucking out joy from life of being challenged mentally and intellectually as a medical student. I dread entering patient examination rooms for patient physical exam because of the bright lighting and white walls inside which make floaters so obvious.

Of course I am getting care from ophthalmologist for my retinal degeneration. But I am not getting any care for these dreaded floaters. Because there is no treatment except vitrectomy.

Regarding seeing a psychiatrist, I cannot see the psychiatrist that our medical school provides. Why? Because I do not want to come into their sight that I am difficulty with the condition I have. I do not want others to know, especially those who can control my future of becoming a doctor, that I have a weakness: floaters that effect me significantly.

Thanks for your words.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I developed huge number of floaters in both eyes nine minths ago soon after my cataract surgery with my right eyes being worse affected than the left. This got me really scared.The specialist examined my eyes and assured me there was nothing to worry about and that the floaters would most likely disappear to the bottom of the eye with time and also that I would get used to them. He was right. I see fewer floaters now and they are smaller and much lighter in shade . I hope you will feel better soon.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It's certainly true that life has its challenges.  But you are obviously very bright and introspective, and I'm confident that with help you can get past your current difficulties.  You should see a psychiatrist as soon as possible.
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Avatar universal
p.s.  Not a doctor, just a lay person.
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Avatar universal
You will find that others in your class will have their own personal challenges with which to deal with.
Maybe it would be a good idea to reevaluate your goals and expectations.  ??

I'm not sure what the eye condition entails or what the prognosis is.  Seeking good advice and treatment plan would seem essential.

I expect distorted vision is preferrable to no vision.  I think that the feedback you're getting from others is extremely invalidating.  I personally find it frustrating how others take good vision for granted.  I agree that poor vision can be limiting and stressful.

Regarding the safety stuff.  If you're having serious thoughts and urges I would recommend you talk to your doctor or get a psych consult.  It's possible that your visual problems have caused you to become depressed (which in turn will be affecting your ability to study, etc).

I have a philosophy where I believe everything in life happens for a reason.  Events like this can shape us and our futures.  They also tend to make us stronger.

Talk to the right specialists and see what you can do to help you move forward.

Good luck!
Helpful - 0

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