My Sadness & Heartache

Question

Hi Everyone,
I figured I would just post about this, easier then telling everyone individually..
As most of you know I had my 2nd U/S yesterday. (we couldnt see the baby on the 1st one) ..I also had my beta done to..my beta came back great..baby was growing..Then came the ultrasound..well the baby was stuck in my left tube..I had to have emergency surgery yesterday. My RE wanted to remove my tube. He said I had a 50% chance it happend again..But I told him I wanted to keep my tube cause I still had a 50% chance it doesnt...So I do still have my tube..we caught this early ..and even though my tubes on the outside look good we dont really know what they look like inside, so I was worried that with my left tube being gone I wouldnt get pregnant again with my right. ( my right was more scarred) and the weird thing is I alway thought if I had a tubal it would be in my right tube..Hm..
The worst part for me is that the baby was alive..I even saw his perfectly shaped tadpole body on the U/S..(IDK why but I refer to the baby as a him fyi) ...I had my surgery at a catholic hospital and I had to sign a release form allowing them to bury him..that makes me feel somewhat better..Knowing that they just didnt throw him away...I know I was only 6wks 2days but he was still my baby! After trying for so long it didnt matter to me how big he was...
I hope that most of you wont think its wierd or strange that I am so sad about this.but i needed to vent..and you ladies have always been so supportive..I truely appreciate that...I cant describe to you the pain I feel all i have been doing is crying..DH is being my positive force right now..and I love and thank him for that..He asked me not to cry anymore cause it hurts him to see me hurting so much...I know we can try again...but I am scared to be happy about it again knowing what could be in store for me...
And as for God..I prayed to him always to help me and bless me with a baby..I finally get pregnant and I continue to pray for a healthy baby..I swear after everything I have been thru I dont think he hears me...and please dont say he is testing my faith because alot of you know all the stuff I have been thru...how much more does he need to test me...I dont believe that at all!! 
One thing that also made me more hopefull for the future was when my anastesiologist came in to give me my IV he told me that he and his wife had an etopic their 1st baby and they gave her all those scary statistics to and they went on to have 2 little girls naturally after...I asked him is she kept her tube and he said yes...he said he just wanted to tell me that so that I know that the outcome isnt always bad and to give me some hope for the future..I thought that was very nice of him..
Thanks again everyone for listening to me vent..I might be mia for awhile..while i cope with this heartache..
Love
Lily

butterflybabies · Answer

Hi,
I just wanted to say that I am feeling much better, I think I went thru all the steps of grieving. From crying to anger to denial and such..I still have my moments from time to time..But it helps to go on here and reread your postive thoughts and well wishes..I am just trying to focus on the positive, that I can get preggers! And trying to remember that even though RE says 50% chance it happens again, theres another 50% chance it doesnt!  So thanks again everyone! I will keep you updated..and I wanted to wish everyone a BFP soon!!
Sticky Sticky Baby Dust To All!!!
Lily

A_Muse4u · Answer

stefanie1976:  Thx, stefanie1976.  God is always there!  Angels take notes.  THey note our good/bad deeds.  They watch over us, guide us, and keep us safe.  Dissappointment is, unfortunately, part of life.  We don't always get what we want or when we want it.  God does provide and the devil taketh away.  If all were good, it'd be a perfect world, right?!  I'm not here to preach, but only to speak from my experience(s) and God has always been there for me and mine no matter what.  He does everything at God-given times, precisely!  

butterflybabies:  Angels do have a way of making an impact on ones lives by inspiring and motivating one.  They never leave one alone in ones time of need especially.  Take care, heart, think positive, have faith, & be stronger than ever b4.

***BABY*DUST*BABY*DUST*BABY*DUST***  O:-)

stefanie1976 · Answer

Stay strong lily - we are all in it with you TOGETHER.

butterflybabies · Answer

I just read these responses and while they made me cry they also gave me strength. Your words of faith, strenght and just being positive have helped me tremendously. While I have my family and friends to help me thru this , you my IF friends have helped me the most, I truely thank you for this! 
To Muse: I never thought of the anestesiologist as the messanger..I think of his words daily and hold on to them for hope. Thank you for pointing that out to me.
Love,
Lily

stefanie1976 · Answer

That was beautiful MUSE - I too have questioned where God was in all of this. I have been disappointed too many times. But I have to believe that only He knows when it is time for us to have the precious gift of life.

A_Muse4u · Answer

I agree, wholeheartedly, w/mamom15, stefanie1976, MiracleOfLife:  Your experience clouded my eyes w/tears as I read your post.  You said your don't think God hears you? . . . He does!  He sent you an angel in the form of an anesthesiologist to give you an answer/message.  (Angels are messengers of God)  Have faith and think positive, always, and you'll find that everything will turn out right in due time, dear.  After all, you did get pregnant and you did create a fine little angel that had to go back home and couldn't stay here on earth w/us.  You will succeed on your next journey and your destiny will come out righteous.  You'll see!  

Everyone is in our thoughts and prayers more now than ever!  God, please, help those of us to heal when we need to and thank you very much Lord when you do bear your fruits of love on us.  Help us, dear God, to become strong, healthy, and full of love like you are, and help us become the mothers we are all chosen to be A.S.A.P., Amen.

MiracleOfLife · Answer

Hey girl, I think it doesn't matter how many weeks the baby is, it is still a terrible loss. I had a chemical pg after 2 years of ttc and there are no words to tell you how much it hurts even though the baby was not technically there. But you have strength to get through this, you still have your both tubes and chances are in your favor! Best of luck to you! Please post here if you need to vent... Hugs!!

stefanie1976 · Answer

I am in tears reading your story.  Can I ask if this was a natural pregnancy or through ivf?

mamom15 · Answer

Hi, I had tears in my eyes reading your story.  I completely understand what you are going thru , I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and my baby was 6 weeks.  I still shudder to think that the blood clost I had were his arms and legs being flushed down.  I just now had a failed IVF, again the clots brought back bad memories.  ANyway you take care, you are strong and young and things will work out for you.  Hugs - A

butterflybabies · Answer

I just had my post op appointment and they said I have to wait 2cycles before trying again..they said I would be at an even higher risk for another ectopic if I get preggers before im healed..Like 50% isnt high enough. But im concentrating on the 50% chance that it doesnt happen..i cant wait to to try again..They also gave me a copy of my ultrasound pictures.. Which I am glad cause I can see my peanut anytime I want and remember that even though it didnt go well , it reminds me that I can get pregnant..and gives me hope..So I will check in and keep you all updated! Take Care everyone!
Love,
Lily

butterflybabies · Answer

I just wanted to thank you all for you kind words and positive thoughts. I means the world to me. I am so glad I have found a place where I have friends who understand all the frustrations and worry that comes with ttc..You are a wonderful group of ladies and again I am so lucky to have you all as friends..I will keep you all posted ..and I to am hoping for another BFP and a take home baby! 
Lots of love and sticky dust ,
Lily

Maredy · Answer

You're a strong women...and I already admire you for that....Loosing a baby...whether @ 6 weeks or 2 weeks is hard....I hope you can surpass this horrible experience and have another baby that would bring all the joy and love I'm sure you'll be surrounded by with just having him or her by your side. 

Good luck...and God Bless!

scienceteacher79 · Answer

After trying for a long time too, I had a m/c at 6wks and 5 days. I know how horrible it is, even when you are "barely" pegnant. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope and pray you feel better soon. It took me at least 6 months to not think of him/her everyday. Allow yourself to do this. Don't just shove it away because it will come back and get you at some point in the future if you don't allow yourself to grieve now. Mine was about 18 months ago and I still think about it sometimes but am no where near as sad as I was. You will mentally and physically heal - just realize it takes time. Big hugs to you. Keep hubby close and lean on him as needed. You both have to go through this together. My prayers are with you.

Jennifer

SarahKateP · Answer

Hi I am new here but wanted to post and say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through. I can completely understand what you are going through and the heartache you feel. Having suffered two horrific ectopic pregnancies (and two early miscarriage's in between) myself, I have been there and I know how awful it is. I think it's good that they have saved your tube, I really hope that you go on to get a bfp and your take home baby. Sadly my tubes were so badly damaged they both had to be removed, which was horrendous. We have just had our first go at IVF which I am pretty sure has failed. I am 9 days past embryo transfer and bleeding, so think it is all over and I am devastated.

Just wanted to wish you all the best for the future and say that I understand what you are going through. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) Stay strong.

SarahKate

BabyBlue07 · Answer

I am sorry to hear that...My heart went out for you and your DH..  Everything happen for a purpose and the best thing is you did have a proper burial for you baby and now your baby rest in peace in Heaven....I know there are no words to make you feel any better. All I can do is keep you in your prayer and hope you will recover from the surgery soon and start TTC again... 

Please take it easy ... relax your mind and your body from all this... 

God Bless you..

butterflybabies · Answer

Thank You! I am pretty sore from the surgery...but my heartache is worse!

Helen72 · Answer

Oh Lily,
I am so vey sorry you are going through this after what you already went through!!!  I hope you are recovering from the sugery and will be blessed with another bfp and a healthy baby soon.
My heart goes out to you and dh.