unbelievable sadness

[anne72]

I don't post on here that much. I just needed to say how sad i feel today:( It has been 3 years ttc for my hubby and me. I just can't get the dark cloud of sadness away. I know many of you have been on the ttc rat race for longer and i'm wondering how you all cope with it. I have periods of time were i'm ok, even going to friends and family's kids parties and baptisms don't hurt anymore. It's just every now and then my heart really hurts. I just really fear that i will never get that bfp i have been waiting so long for. My lap surgery is the end of Aug and i think i will have to wait at least another month to start  fertility treatments again, which is another bug bear of mine. I feel like i have been waiting for 3 years. Every time  we have a plan, something happens to delay it. Sorry if i'm moaning too much ladies, i just feel like i'm ready to explode. I hope tomorrow is a more positive day for me, i hate to feel like this.

[Helen72]

I am so sorry you are feeling down.  I am always surprised that after 3 years of ttc I often times see a smiley face in your mood.  I am sure that waiting the summer out does not help.  I wish medical system worked for us and did not make us waste time.  When we hit a two year ttc mark I got soooo depressed.  The only cure for the blues is to start actively trying again and of course a bfp would definitely help.  I hope it's coming your way!!!

[anne72]

Thank you all for your very kind supportive words. I unfortunately feel worse today, and i know why that is. This month is our 3 year mark off ttc, it's hard and painful. I'm sure i will pull through in a day or so. It doesn't help that it's so rainy and grey here.
I guess what we can all hold onto is the fact that we have all come so far and been so strong. I'm sure it will have all been worth it in the end.Thanks again ladies your the best:)

[Keyan]

Hi. I can definitely identify with you. My hubby and me have been ttc for 3 years now. Although I usually don't test and wait for af to show up, from time to time I do and on may 1 2008 I got my very BFP! I was sooo happy, coudn't beleive it. I waited for my hubby to come home from work to tell him... I had plan on how I would tell him for the past 34 months sooo I told him. We were soooo happy, 3 hours later I had my blood test and to my surprise ( I thought this is it, almost 3 years there's nothing wrong, everything must be good)  the blood said Negative. We got upset, that was on thursday, I continue to do home tests that all show positive so I was hopping everything was good...then the ugly red witch show up on the following tuesday 2 days late of af due date... I had an early m/c (chemical pregnancy, the baby didn't stick) I cried soooo much, why this happen?! why a m/c after 3 years of ttc!!?!! I really don't understand, probably never will...just by writing about I get sad all over againg!  Hubby and me continue to bd the following cycle, today I'm 13dpo. I couldn't wait this time, and tested yesterday with the last home test I had from last month tryies and I got a BFN. so now I'm waiting for af to show.

It is a horrible experience to go thru infertility and to add to that a m/c!! I have soo many questions, what was I suppose to do? Did I really lost a baby! What could have I done different?! It's ok to feel like your baby died and what do you do about it, I think it went down the toilet, I'm a horrible person, but how can I know any different. I have a bracelet to remeber the baby. The only positive (if anything) is that it could have been much worse, if it had happen later on the pregnancy.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you by sharing my story and opening my self to you, is that you are not alone. what helps me to continue is the stories about other people having similar situations and going thru the same, besides my hubby and GOD. I thank God for the good and the bad (you can learn from everything) and specially from the horrible things that has not happen to me.

Hope you are feeling better today. If you ever need to talk to me, I'll be here for you.

[SHP]

I understand how you feel.  We started when I was 37 and now I am 40.  I have panick attacks now from fear of never having a child.  I have gained a LOT of weight from depression and hormones.  That makes me even more depressed.  Now people are asking me if the weight is keeping me from getting pregnant.  I didn't gain it on purpose and was infertile before.  It feels like salt in a wound.  I was a good looking woman before the weight gain - now I just feel like an overwieght old cow - who's youth has passed me by and taken my dream of children with it.

I keep throwing myself into work so that I don't have to think about it.  That is not good because my new boss will be expecting this kind of work from now on.

People who have not gone through this just don't understand.  I am sorry that you are sad.  don' t do what I have done and throw yourself into the wrong things.  We are all here for you.

[candie429]

To Lisa2001 -

I am so sorry that no one responded to your question.  I've had that happen to me once or twice too, but I know that there are a lot of women on here who really do their best to try to answer everyone.  I usually try too, but I'm not quite as experienced with the more advanced procedures (IUI, IVF, etc), so sometimes I can't help.  I'm not sure where you are in your cycle, but there is a 2ww thread that you could join and the people there are wonderful.  Even if you're not in your 2ww yet, you could still introduce yourself and try to get your question answered.  Good luck to you.

[candie429]

I am so sorry that you are having a bad day.  We are definitely here for you anytime you need to talk.  I can imagine that it would definitely be frustrating after 3 long years.  We've been trying for 2 years now (with unexplained infertility) and it seems like forever.  You definitely have those days where you feel hopeful and are OK, but then you ahve days when you get scared out of your mind that the one thing you want most in your life isn't going to happen.  I know when we started TTC, we understood that it might not happen right away, but I don't think we ever thought we'd be at it this long.  It can definitely be tough when you see your friends or family with children, or even perfect strangers out at the store, and it just hurts so much to think what you are missing out on.  What's even harder is when you see those people who abuse or mistreat their children and don't even want them when there are so many couples that have so much love to give.  I guess all we can really do is pray and never lose faith.  We just have to try to stay strong and believe that it will happen for us.  I'm not sure what your history is, but hopefully the lap will give you a solution.  Take care and feel free to contact us anytime you need some support.  Take care.

[zez]

anne72 what are the fertilty treatments you have been receiving whats involved in the lap surgery.

Hope I don,t seem nosey but would love to hear your story from the beginning when you first started ttc.

[magda_s]

Anne, I'm so sorry.  But you're right... we all feel that way at times.  I haven't been trying as long as you but it certainly feels like it's been years.  We just never think that we could end up here.  Never crossed my mind!  And when I found out this would be the route we'd have to take, I got freaked but I got over it and moved on.  And like you, now, every once in a while, I feel like I'm looking in from the outside and I actually realise what's going on here rather than taking it in my stride and I think, OMG... is this EVER going to happen for us??  The thought that it might not is terrifying.  But every time I hear of someone's BFP, I think, it could be me next.  
I hope you feel better soon and I wish I could say something that would make it all okay but I can't... we have to just keep trying and keep hoping.
hugs
magda

[Shishkabab]

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it can feel like a part of your soul is dying. I know that feeling of one day being ok and the next wanting to crawl into a ball and disappear. We have been ttc for about 5 years and we have been doing fertility treatments for 18 months. We have had 4 failed clomid cycles and 6 failed injectable IUI's our last one being last week. You can never explain that gut wrenching pain to anyone. Have you got a therapist available to talk to. I found one through the clinic that I am using and she is an older woman who went through this herself. I find I shut down so much I cannot talk even to my husband as I just want to sob but she helps me a lot.
Know that tomorrow we will feel a little better. I am thinking about you. Feel free to contact me anytime. I think that if I have someone else to listen to it would help me as well as you.

[Lisa2001]

You know what else really bothers me..When you really need someone to talk to and you have questions..nobody ever cares or listens unless it has something to do with them..and I just want u to know that I am here to listen, if you want to vent and talk i am here to listen to you...I'm sorry if i am rambling but my feelings are hurt to tonight..i posted a question earlier and no one even cared enough to read it, my post was the only one not read..anyways i'm sorry..had to get that out..I forgot to ask, and it may not be any of my business but what kind of surgery are you having in aug, is it for infertility??

[Lisa2001]

I am so sorry you are having a terrible day..I know how it feels tho. I am goin thru the same thing except there is nothing wrong with me, its my husband...I hope that tomorrow when you wake up you have a very positive outlook on the next couple of months because God will not put on you what you cannot hold..i'm sorry if i offended you ..its just that i am 25 and dh is 25 and we are having a really hard time right now too..You WILL get that BFP you have been waiting for , you wait and see, i just know it!! =) You just keep your head up..and know that you are not the only one that has to go thru this ****..its like the ones that don't need babies get pregnant every damn month and the ones who longs for a child and prays to be a mommy every night, never get a break! I am praying for you and I hope you keep us posted! =) Lisa