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Avatar universal

It's like my mind is split. My thoughts are cluttered.

I don't know how to explain it other than it's like the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My weaker side reaches out for help; wants help; wants to make everything normal. My cold side believe people are just pawns in a game; has no conscience at all; just does what it is conducive for me. It's been like this for as long as I can remember (I'm a 19-year-old female; in school - math major, physics minor). Let me start from the beginning.

I talk to myself. Not just conversation, but I construct worlds where I can be anything and everything that I desire. I can be a goddess or I can be as low as they come. I lose hours/days on these 'daydreams'; I act them out when I'm by myself; they consume my thoughts when I'm with others.

When speaking to someone in-person/face-to-face, I'm compelled to lie. Not really to hide anything but because I can. That's my cold side. Actual face-to-face conversations are nothing but games to me; I analyze the person, see their societal weaknesses and choose whether or not I want to play with them. If I don't, I sit and produce viable feedback. It's like I feed off of it. Playing with someone's weaknesses without them necessarily knowing it's me producing this discomfort relieves my boredom.

My weaker side knows that I am a liar/fake. It wants help; it wants to be normal. It wants to interact with people authentically but it can't. It wants to tell everybody the truth, but my cold side is stronger. I can't control when they come out but no one has ever seen my weaker side.

Everything in my head is so cluttered. It's like I'm in a crowd and everyone is yelling but I can't hear individual voices; it's like white noise. I can't complete things either. I haven't finished anything with meaning for almost a decade now. I just want to be normal.
4 Responses
4551398 tn?1356337863
hey!! so it sounds like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) might be helpful for you. it can be very useful when separating thoughts and helping one be mindful in everything they do, whether it be interpersonal or intrapersonal.
hope this helps!!
~~~kat~~~
Avatar universal
well i hope your not playing now.this is a real problem for alot of people.have you ever told your doctor.it sounds like you my be bypolore.
Avatar universal
Multiple personality disorder is not as rare as people would like to believe.  if you really want to get well, you need a psychiatrist who will work with all your personalities.  Meanwhile, find God and study your Bible.  When all your personalities accept God, you will find peace.  -
Avatar universal
I by chance, you don't have MPD,  it could be Schizophrenia and can be controlled with medication and group therapy.  Still needing to see a psychiatrist, tho.  No getting out of it.
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way off the beaten track!, BC
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