A childs Death

[Cherie762]

Hi all, I just found out a friend of mine at school whom I have known since Feb, had a son who died from a virus when he was four. I said the usuall Oh my, I really am so very sorry to hear that. It seemed too little to say, what can one say to such situations, my friend at school obviously was opening up to me,,she just told me this this past Friday, I would like some ideas of a kinder better response,,thank you Cherie

[Judy246]

I have to agree with Cherie, a simple hug and a whisper, "I'm sorry for your loss" meant more to me than else and was sufficient for me to look back at the person with depts of gratitutde.

[star641]

cherie im so sorry to hear of your friends son my heart truly goes out to her ,
all i can tell you after loosing two of my children is there are no words as such ! but i do know in the way i felt! was for people just to give me a hug and say nothing ,or just to hug and say sorry for your loss ,.that was enough ,...

[alicat007]

What Beautiful Memories you have of your son. It sounds like he lived life to its fullest and had as much fun as he could while here with you. What a tribute to you as a parent to have a free spirited child who felt comfortable to be himself.

[Prospero73]

I had a similar experience with birds soon after my son died.  I started noticing their behavior when I was on my morning walks in an area where there are many of them.  As I became aware of them, I began to realize how the theme of flying ran through my son's life: he loved skydiving, especially the free-falling part,  ollieing on a skateboard, doing jumps on a snowboard.  We have a picture of him at age five leaping toward my arms into a swimming pool, with his arms outspread like wings.  For the last year or so, he was planning to join the Air Force to fly jets.  He was a musician, and took great joy in releasing sound into the air with his voice and guitar.  The birds were like a sign of his spirit longing to be free, to soar above the earth.  

[Judy246]

My mother just loved the red cardinal birds and her in Chicago they are everywhere and I see them in my backyard and I smile and several times I have seem them in the Cemetary flying over my mom's grave. To me it's a sign of comfort and I know she is with me and I will see her again in God's time. I will celebrate her life, but it took a long time for me to get to this point. Thank you for your response.

[alicat007]

It is harder for us because we have so many memories and we have so many wishes we could have fulfilled before our loved one left us too soon. But once our loved one cross's over they let go of all that and they see that the meaning of life is so much bigger than our wish's. They see that Love is the most important thing and that becomes their mission on the other side. I think that is why they come back sometimes to show us Love when we feel the worst. I find sunflowers all around me they were Lori's favorite.

[Judy246]

alicat, I feel the same way. I buried my mother in a white dress and I know in my heart I will see her again and she is in peace, but it is sooo hard to live without her. Judy

[alicat007]

I lost my 21 yr old daughter in 2002. And it is true that any words are welcomed all we want is someone to acknowledge the fact we lost someone near and dear. And to just listen~we need time to figure it all out and just be able to say Good-Bye in our own way. People are our support system and they are the ones who help us through this tough time. We may forget to say Thank-You at the time but our hearts feel the love and compassion you have given freely in our time of deep need. So Thank-You all for you effort and you want to help us through a time of sorrow. There are miracles all along the way even in the loss of a loved one just look for them and say Thanks for them. I too, a few weeks after losing Lori was asleep in bed and saw her at the foot of my bed just standing there in white dress looking at me lovingly. I knew she was there to say "it's ok Momma" and "Good-Bye" I WILL see her and her beautiful smile one day again.

[Judy246]

I truly believe that our departed ones are just a transition away. Two weeks after we buried my mother, I was in a deep sleep and suddenly I heard my mother's voice calling my name "Judy". It was my mother's voice and nurturing spirit. I jumped up in my dark room from the very deep sleep and told her, "Ma, were ok, rest in peace and I love you."

It has not happened again, but it was very comforting to know that she was only a transition away.

[jmjmjm]

doctor melvin morse has done extensive research on near death experiences of children and some dramatic accounts can be found in the best seller book "closer to the light" - drawings of angelic beings floating in the air , the light , tunnel with brightly colored brick walls almost lego toys intrigue me coming from kids as small as 4 years old , they have absolutely no reason for lying ... if you want to help her then you have got to pass the message that her beloved son is really ok ... I mean ok as in living , healthy , joyful ... all that what she wanted for him while he was still here on Earth...

[Beachwalker33]

I feel she carries around guilt and her guilt could lead to disease and some very other serious health problems,pray that it already hasn't.I'm sure you must care about your friend's pain or you wouldn't have wrote on here for advice.Do the best you can to help ease her grief,thats all you can do.With love,Jen

[Beachwalker33]

The book called Roses in December is a book that can be found in most christian bookstores,its about parents that have lost their child.My Mom passed away,I bought this book by mistake.Buy this book for his parents,this would be a very kind gesture,since really,what do you say in a situation such as this.Listening and being there for her is really all you can do.As a Mother this is still upsetting her or she would not have brought it up.10 days,10 years when a Mother loses their child time seems to stand still.To her it probably feels like it was just yesterday.Suggest writing in a journal to the Mother at times of stress,such as holidays and birthdays,or just any situation that brings up this very sad memory.Include a journal along with the book.And offer your shoulder for her to cry on.Honestly,if I lost my son,I wouldn't be able to handle it,no matter how much time has gone by,the pain ,despair,and the wondering of what he would have looked like,be like,and the man he would have become still must be in her thoughts,quite often the grief still lingers year after year.This must haunt her and I doubt that a day goes by with out her thinking of her son,especially when she see's a boy that would have been his age.Put yourself in her place and respond with thoughts that you feel in your heart,as if it was your son.God Bless this woman for she is being tormented by her pain and loss until this day.Jen

[Cherie762]

Your right, no parent should . your story is very tragic, Im so sorry for you and your loved ones. I hope talking about it just a bit helps. Cherie

[Judy246]

sorry for the mispelling, I meant "solid ice build above their home." & ice from slanted roof top, not room.

[Judy246]

I had a 2 yr. old cousin George die tragically. During a bad winter back in the late 70's, sold ice built above their home. One morning his mother (my cousin) went to the garage to warm the car, let the back door opened, since she was coming right back (this was in Chicago, IL), and the little boy decided to follow her and slammed the door really hard and the ice from the slanted room fell on him. Killed him instantly. The sight of his blood will forever be in our minds. My aunt went hysterical and it took 2 family members to remover the chunk of ice off of him, scoop him up and take him to the emergency room (3 min. away). He was already dead on arrival. I was in the home when they returned from the ordeal and took off the coat she had on, it was soaked with Gorgies blood and parts of his brains were still on the coat. I took it off her and threw it away. I put her in the shower...she was in shock.  I was so traumatized by the experience and the wake was just as tragic. The white casket was so small and you could see where the injury was. It took 10 yrs. for me to be able to visit his grave, due to the trauma of lossing a child family member . It's traumatic. With mom, she died at 70 and my pain was grief. With Georgie I was traumatized. You are right...the death of a child is unspeakable. A parent should never have to bury a child. Judy

[Cherie762]

thank you both, my friend at school is a very kind person, very compashionate, I just felt like I wished I could of said something to actually help, but your right there really are no roper words. her son passed about ten years ago, and still she did not share this until just recently and we have had some good long serious talks,,she did say she had laid him down for a nap, he was ill with a virus and when she went to check on him he had died, I hope she doesnt blame herself..and I have had experiences with death, just not a child, somehow that seems a bit different..all lives are indeed precious, but I cannot imagine a greater pain than losing a child.

[Judy246]

I have to agree with Prospero73, unless you have experienced the death of a loved one, you really don't know how to response to someone who has had such a great loss as a child. Any loss is great, but when my mother died, I had people tell me that she is in a better place. The grave for me is not a better place, but as a Christian, I understood the intent. An appropriate response would be a sincere one....My very deepest condolences on the passing of your beloved son, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers or something as simple, "I'm thinking of you". Just listening and being there is huge. Let them know that you are there for them if they just want to talk and be a good listener.  As Prosper said, everyone sooner or later will experience death and it's nice to know that you are simply there for them.

[Prospero73]

Having been on the other end of this situation recently, I can tell you, first, that NOBODY knows what to say; and second, that it doesn't really matter what you say, as long as it's not rude or uncaring.  The important thing is to give the grieving person an opportunity to talk, if they feel like it, or let it be and talk about something else, if they don't.  Remember that it's not about you: a person undergoing major grief is definitely not going to examine critically anything you say to them.  We all share in one another's grief: it happens to almost everyone sooner or later, hopefully not too often.