Ambiguous Loss? Who grieves whom?

[Mattsmom27]

My son survived a catastrophic neurologic crisis that began in March 4,2018. Matthew was incarcerated in 2016 and I was the only person to set up and pay for a phone account every month so he could always call home We had 2 years of 20 minute calls and I was only able to visit him once after thanksgiving and he was happy,I was happy He had taken responsibility for unwise choices and he was looking forward to a new kind of life and was using his time to really think about how to change his life and he was making plans to begin his future when he was due for release Sept 17,2018 but March 4th he had emergent crainiotomy #1,a hypoxic stroke in the recovery room and spent 19 days in a coma when day 18 was his second stroke My son and I were in a great place when we spoke on a Friday night and he knew I would always be there no matter what and he loves me for always helping him Then bacteria melted his brain and he seemed to forget who I was before,and all he's relearning about me is yelling and frustration and tears and so I wonder as I grieve the part of him that is lost cuz he's different and angry at me always And...that made me think of Matthew and how I irritate him more than I make him smile and I'm so weary after doing all this alone,I've turned in a person I don't know some maybe Matt is able to be grieving for the mom I was when we were comfortable with each other Maybe I sound ridiculous but since Matthew won't share his feelings I've tried to think of how he feels when my emotions get the better of me I had my heart shatter with my brothers suicide 20 years ago,but my heart now weeps and bleeds For My son who used to love me Maybe with his lack of affect he doesn't consider our previous relationship a loss so he feels no grief at all? Sorry to ramble,and sound like I'm whining but I know I'm blessed cuz he's here but I feel incredible guilt for crying in the shower cuz I miss his old self