woke up missing mom and dad

[sinster]

tho its already almost been over a year since i lost both mom and dad a month apart from eachother. its still very hard to grasp they are gone. they way they died. both from cancer painful and slow at the same time. i never got to grieve as they both passed as soon as i got back to UK from LA. :---( . and days like today beautiful sunny days i take a look at my big house my beautiful children my hard working husband and fantastic bestfriend and miss my dad especialy when i look at my beautiful garden which i keep in fond memory of my dad. he was great gardener i can remember as a very very small child he was always outside in the sun.. rain whatever in his garden. he use to take a beat up ol garden with nothing and turn it into a paradise with his own two hands..  his last house he moved into was a and half acre plot and it was plain ol dusty desert in phelan CA. he turned it into a beautiful place full of trees and bushes and flowers . fruit. now when i look at my own garden especialy on sunny days like this.. i feel so empty and the sense of lose and  sadness of his death and my moms comes flooding in. the emotions i try to keep at bay. im usually viewed by the rest of my family to be one of the strongest despite my bi polar depression and illnesses. im the youngest of six. and the lose of my oldest brother in 87 at the age of 36 from cancer was hard e nough  and i sucked it in and returned to school the very next day after his death and burial. perhaps i am strong i have learned to be to get on with it. . put the hurt in a special place and keep going . but on days like these a song.. a look at one of my growing children .. the bump of my unborn child. i began to think would mom and dad be proud of me?? would have i made them smile? that i am the only person in the family to travel so far (all the way to UK. From LA ) and made a life for myself from nothing with all the things i have doing extremely well . well looked aftered. wanting for nothing. maybe except for closure.  and tho i usually listen to gothmetal and metal and rock. today i ve been playing my moms fav singer and now mine johnny cash. and thinking fondly of my mom . i want so much for my mom and dad to be proud of me.  they never been outside the usa they never got to see my home here in UK. never got to see what ive done and became away from them.  and i guess i will never see my mom or dad walking in my garden and sit on the bench or in my conservatory listening to the birds sing or watch the morning dew on the flowers with me. :---( but can they see it? from where they are? my dad was a strong believer in GOD. he worshiped faithfuly everday as a born again christian and tho i dont worship like i should or keep the things i should . .. i believe they are both in heaven. im trying to believe they can see me from there a nd all i have done and become.  i can feel a lump in my throat as i look up at a tiny pic i have of both of them in healthy days . the only thing i have of them. except what they taught me . and showed me how to be the strong person i am today. yet sometimes this  strong person needs to grieve.. like everyone else.  maybe i need to share my thoughts about them like on here with strangers.. or. maybe ill just celebrate them in my own way. working in my garden quietly and listening to johnny cash ever now and again and smile to myself and cry inside to myself.

hugs and love to all those who have lost family memebers and friends and anyone dear to them.

sinster.xxxx

[jml1986]

Some days it seems like you are lost in your grief. I know, because I still have those same feelings about my dad and he has been gone for nine years now. I try to focus on the days that he lived and not that one day that he died, but sometimes it is just not possible. As long as I only dip my toe in pity for awhile and not dive head first into it, then I think it is a natural process of life.

[suzi-q]

I totally can relate to your feelings.  I lost both my parents 4 months apart, but both quite suddenly.  You just have to give yourself time.  I know the longing and the pain that you feel in your heart, but what helps me is to know that they want me to be HAPPY. I am sure that is what your parents wanted for you as well.  Just know that they ARE in a better place, and I truly believe that they held your unborn child before you even concieved.  I have an adopted daughter and I truly believe that they picked her out just for me.  Some days are very hard and may faith weens, however, I try my best to keep moving forward, just as you are.  Remember, your parents greatest gift is seeing you an independent happy woman..and now it is time for you to do the same for your children.  It is all in the circle of life.  Someday, we will all be together again, so make the best of here while we have it.  I don't know your beliefs, and mine are all mixed, but I know that the book by John Edward, One Last Time, helped me so much with my parents passing.  He gave me hope in knowing that they are always with me.  God bless you and I hope you find that closure and peace.