I need help with PTSD/depression and anxiety, I am totally hopeless at this point.

[Aralblake]

Hello, thanks for taking time to read. I experienced tremendous trauma in 2012, I won't even list it because it would sound false. It really was a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone, and it was too much for me. 2014, another very significant trauma and I have done everything recommended or suggested. All kinds of MEDS, multiple inpatient treatment, support groups, outpatient therapy, volunteer work. Before I was always willing to try the next thing, and I did follow through. I always found SOMETHING to cling to, a reason to move forward, a goal, just anything to keep moving. At this point, I'm ashamed to say, I have given up. I believe I was still very emotionally numb until November 2016. When I went through inpatient treatment (most recently 2015) I was in a great program with 15 other veterans with PTSD. During they day we went to classes that were totally ineffective, we could sit through hour long lectures from different MHCP from 9am-4pm. It wasn't group therapy, in fact we were forbidden to discuss anything regarding our trauma or mental health in "class" or at anytime with the exception of two hours a week when we saw our personal therapist one on one. During those two hours a week, my therapist had me focus on one particular trauma and used the exposure therapy technique. The trauma she had me focus on wasn't the trauma that is debilitating to me. I'm sure it helped in some way, but it wasn't the trauma that really effects me. I say the program was great because when we weren't in class, 7 or 8 of us spent time talking, watching movies, walking, fishing and building comraderie. We weren't in a psychiatric unit, and were free to leave in the evening and on weekends. We were required to be in the building between 11:00pm-7:00am, but during free time we went to the beach, the mall, bowling it was a lot like being in the military again. I was very happy being surrounded by others who had similar experiences. My friends often talked about "triggers" or "re experiencing", I know those are prominent symptoms of PTSD, but I couldn't relate. In November 2016, I started recognizing "triggers" and have gone through re experiencing multiple times. I believe my mind was protecting itself by keeping numb for so long. Now I'm no longer numb, and I can't handle the PTSD and depression it's caused. The ONLY thing I think could be of any help is a "peer mentor", someone who has experienced trauma and would be able to work with me to help me get to a place where I care and have goals again. Decisions are so difficult for me, and I don't have anyone to talk to or anyone that can help me with that. Before I really lost all hope, I reached out to the VA and asked for a peer mentor (they had promised me one several times) after speaking with my congressman, the VA finally responded with a phone call telling me there are no female peer mentors available in my area. I reached out to the big organizations as well as local and nobody is available. Even when the trauma's occurred, I had a lot of people around me who supported me, I had appropriate mental healthcare and attention. I had support, friends and resources. I had people to help me, and with time I started helping others. I was very active in community service. Upon medical retirement, I left the state and returned "home". There are no resources where I am, and now that I'm fully experiencing the PTSD and depression, I feel frozen. Totally immobilized and I hate it. Through the deaths, violence, physical injuries I still got up every single day, took a shower and did daily things while working on "getting well", I thought people who isolated and weren't able to function were "weak". Now I understand, that it's not by choice, I isolate as much as possible and am barely functioning. I probably need MEDS, and I know I need support. I don't know how to get support, like I stated I have reached out to everyone. The VA is a joke (in my experience), I went in to walk in clinic, they said I was "in crisis", they tried to get me to say I was suicidal, but I know that game they play. I met with head psychiatrist and asked her if I could start taking a standard antidepressant. I was essentially told "no". She said I needed to have blood work and come back to see a dr. she told me to go get blood drawn and somebody would call me, hopefully within "a week". Nobody called, that was months ago. I have tried the VA multiple times, and it has never been helpful, only made things worse. All I wanted was a simple medication like Effexor, but she wouldn't do it. I am retired, so I can see civilian Dr.'s, and my primary gave me Effexor today. I see a therapist once, maybe twice if I'm lucky every week. But two hours of therapy and an antidepressant isn't going to help me learn how to live a normal life. I desperately need support, and it's just not available. I really have contacted every organization. I am sorry this is so long, and if you have read this far, THANK YOU. My question is, I want to get well, but I need support to do that. How can I find support? I really don't know what else I can possibly do. This isn't a life, it's an existence and I don't want to become 1 of the 22 a day, but I don't want to just waste away anymore. I really need a support system, but I can't just create one. What do you do when you are totally alone, suffer PTSD and there is nowhere to turn? If you read this, thank you in advance for any response.

[lucylu96]

message me if you want to talk, I can't sleep due to Ptsd xx