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Avatar universal

Missing Mom/best friend

I just lost my mother June 20, 2008.  Life has been chaos going through the planning of the funeral and then the novena (cultural and religious observance that lasts 9 days).  Yesterday was the first day with no functions planned.  I could not sleep.  I was up until 3:30 am, crying most of the time.  At least I know that at that hour of the morning Dad can't hear me crying.  I feel so alone.  I am an only child.  Mom was my best friend.  She and Dad were married for 51 years.  I planned their 50th anniversary party.  I worry about Dad.  I will be going back to work in a couple of days and he will be alone.  I worry for both of us.  There are times I am not sure how we are going to make it.  I am responsible for everything including the business side of her passing.  I am having to settle accounts and make changes.  I almost lost it at the Social Security office today.  
It was so unexpected.  I left for work as usual and at 10:15, I was told there was a problem at home.  My Dad found her unconscious in the patio (a moment that still haunts him).  She never regained consciousness.  We had to make all the decisions for life support.  Mom refused to do an advanced directive.  I just feel so lost and alone.  When will my heart stop hurting, even for a little while.
How do you get through the pain in your soul?
Thanks for letting me ramble on.
8 Responses
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Avatar universal
Ramble, ramble and ramble on...Do whatever it takes to heal.  I know the pain of losing a mother (and a father).  It has to be the worst pain I ever went through and it never completely goes away.  But the pain does subside and good and happy memories override those final moments and those decisions we have to make.  It is close to 8 years without my parents now.  (they passed 4 months apart).  There is always an empty space but you do go on and you do smile again.  Right now it is still so raw for you, so much to do...but it all falls into place.  Pray for strength comfort and peace.  God bless you.
Helpful - 0
332074 tn?1229560525
I am so sorry for your lose. It is common to drown in that sea of sorrow so soon after you lose someone you love. I lost my dad suddenly and nine years later I still have rough days. While you are going through the process you think that them dying and the funeral are the hardest part, but you find out later that living without them is much harder. My crying place was the shower.You just take a nice hot shower and you can cry your eyes out without anyone hearing you, and they can't tell you have been crying because you have red eyes from hot shower normally. I wish I could tell you when you will start feel better, but it just happens and one day you realize it. But I can tell you that I am here for you if you need to talk.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the responses.  It helps to know I am not alone in this.  The waves of pain come and go.  I started keeping a journel and telling Mom everything that is going on.  It is so hard sometimes to believe that life is still going on when my world has been turned upside down.  I just want to spend a day in bed and let everything pass me by and not be responsible for anything even for a little while.
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry about your loss.  It's hard to see a loved one die, even if they have been sick.  But only time will help you heal, you'll have some good days and other bad days, until you learn to go on without them.  Keep in mind that she is up there looking out for you and for your dad and that one day, you'll meet again.

There is no limit on how much time you will grieve, but take a day at a time and keep your mom in your heart and in your mind.  Remember all the good times you spent together and if you wish to cry, do so since it helps relieve the pain.

I lost a dear man who was like my dad in September of last year and I still miss him.  I talk to him every day and I know that he is listening, and that there will be a day when I see him and have a blast, like in the old days.  He took me in as if I was his own daughter and I was blessed to have him in my life.  He was a great man.

So, cherish your mom's memories and little by little, the pain will subside.  Also, think that your dad needs you too and that you still have each other.

God bless you,

Neta
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221122 tn?1323011265
I am sorry for your loss.  I lost my mother on June 24th.  I feel the same as you.  AND I use the shower as well.  The one thing I hate is that the tears can come so unexpectedly and I cannot stop them.  It isn't always a good time and people don't understand.  I told my husband that I read in a book that the acute phase of grief when a daughter loses her mother is 6-8 months.  He looked so surprised and rolled his eyes.  I feel so alone.  He doesn't understand at all.  I am fortunate to have this board.
Helpful - 0
185634 tn?1257071139
Although I know there isn't any magical words I can say to you to make you feel better, I feel for you and am sorry for your loss as well.  

I lost my mom/best friend on Feb. 2nd of this year.  Although it wasn't as sudden as your mom, it was only 2 weeks after her cancer diagnosis.  Hardly enough time to get my hands around the diagnosis, let alone her death.  It was a rollercoaster ride for those two weeks and absolute chaos.  One minute, we'd have hope - the next, not.

Although I'm having a hard time because I miss her so much, it gives me peace that she didn't have to suffer long.  Believe me....watching her the last few days made me realize that it would have really hurt to watch it much longer.  

Even though you didn't have time to "say goodbye", rest assured knowing that your beloved mom didn't have to suffer either.  If we could choose a way to go, that would be it.  There are so many horrible diseases out there where we have to watch our loved ones suffer for months or years.  

I also understand your concern for your dad.  I live right next door to mine, so it's easy for me to drop in on a regular basis.....and I do, almost daily.  I think we both need it.  However, the only way I can think to put it is my "routine" has been messed up for the last 6 months, and I'm still floundering trying to find a new one.  It's so hard!!!

I agree with suzi-q.  Pray for peace as you go through the grief process.  I'm not going to preach anything to anyone, but will say that had I not had my faith, this would have been 100 times harder to get through.  Knowing that she's gone to a better place and reunited with her own mother and others that went before her has given me so much peace.

Having said all that, I don't think we'll ever "get over" the loss of our mom's - especially if we were close to them.  My heart isn't aching like it did at first, but I still have times where it'll hit me, and I'm in tears.  And from what RNRita says, it sounds like we're not alone with that either.

Rita~I agree with the timeline that you read in the book.  It's been 6 months for me, and can actually talk about her without bawling now.  Well, MOST of the time anyway!  Your comment about your husband's reaction to that comment made me wince a little.  It would be nice if he'd realize that your feelings aren't his feelings, and he should be a bit more compassionate!  Come and post whenever you need some support, because you're right - people here are awesome.

Take care all.
Lori
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Avatar universal
I JUST NEED TO TALK. I FEEL LIKE I AM LOOSING MY MIND. My MOM IS DYING WITH ALHZEIMERS.SHE IS IN SOUTH TEXAS AND I AM IN EAST TEXAS JUST STARTING A NEW JOB.I SPEND MY DAYS WORKING AND MY NIGHTS CRYING.O LORD I FEEL SO GUILTY BECAUSE SHE HASN'T BEEN MY" MOM" FOR AWHILE. I HAVE NO WAY TO GET TO HER CAUSE MY CAR IS IN BAD SHAPE. MY DAD HAS MOM AT HOME AND REFUSES ANY HELP.I DON'T WANT TO LET HER GO BUT I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT SHE  IS A CHRISTIAN AND HER PARENTS ARE WAITING FOR HER AS WELL AS OTHERS. I AM TRYING TO PREPARE MYSELF AND I AM  NOT DOING TO WELL.I AM SUFFERING FROM PANIC ATTACKS. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE? I COULD GO ON AND ON AND ON BUT I WILL JUST STOP. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. PRAY IS POWERFUL!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know what it is like to feel helpless when your parents are suffering.  But to know that you mother is a Christian and truly has a "better place" to go afterwards should help you with your anxiety somewhat.  You have the Lord to comfort you at this moment.  He said to not be anxious about anything, but to pray with thanksgiving giving all your requests/cares to Him, and the peace of God that trascends ALL understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, amen?  

My mom passed away in March of this year.  I don't know if she was Christian or not.  I honestly don't  believe so.  For that reason, I hurt more than her death itself.  To know that she may NOT be in a better place, and that she may be awaiting eternal suffering instead.

I am praying for you.  May the Lord bless you and comfort you in this moment.  May He take care of your mother (as He does all His children) and may He provide a way for you to be able to visit her in the meantime.  In Jesus name, amen.

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