What would you do?

[Bel26]

1 year ago my life was fine, i mean we all have problems but stupid ones that really mean nothing compared to what happens when you lose a loved one for the first time. It really hits you hard when you hear someone that you care about so much has left the earth.I have been dealing with grief for the first time in my life and let me tell you its been the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I cant get my head around the fact that 1 second iam talking to him on the phone and the next he is gone forever. My story is very sad and i feel that i will never truly enjoy life again like i did before 17.7.07 . Iam talking about Geoff my step dad. We were very very close,he was the only one that would give me a call and really ask how iam going. I was the special one in his eyes, he was proud of me for who iam. He had his own 2 sons also but he treated me like i was his. The reason why i find it so hard to deal with the fact that he is gone is because i didnt get to go to his funeral. I didnt even get told what time he died or even what he really died of.You see he moved so far away from where he used to live (where i still live). He moved up near he brother .So when i got the call that geoff died thats all i got. first thing i did was ring his brother and asked when the funeral would be and what was going to happen. I also rang his sons and they promised they would phone me to let me know the details so i could make plans to get there.But they never rang... it was nearly a week and most funerals are on 7 days later and i started to freak out.So my partner rang and he said yes we had a small funeral today.Well thanks a lot ...i feel great!!! The person that was in my life for 18 years was suddenly gone for good and i just had to say oh fair enough thats fine. WELL ITS NOT FINE AND IAM SO MAD. How would any of you feel if the person that you really loved was 1 day gone and you didnt get a goodbye or anything.Thats why i have been greiving every day fro nearly 13 mths and its so much to take. Its amazing how 1 day you are fine and when that loss hits you, you are awake for the first time and will never really be the same again. Does anyone have any ideas to help me get through this? iam not a happy person any more ,i have changed and i miss being happy.

[jml1986]

I lost my dad suddenly nine years ago and I can tell you that although time will make you better able to cope with the pain of the loss, it will never heal it, nor will it ever get back to normal. How do I know this, because the pain of losing my dad is just as strong today as it ever was, I miss him so much. Also, the normal I knew had my dad in it, and that could never happen again. Does that mean that you can never be happy again, no. We are programmed to cope and when you don't know it is happening, you slowly begin to start feeling better. What you have to remember is that how much you grieve is not a measure of how much you loved that person. It is okay to move on with your life.

[Cath278]

Im so sorry you are feeling this pain.Someone once told me ,the pain is equal to the love we had for that person. I found comfort in that. I too have lost someone precious  in Sept 07.Also my brother, 9yrs ago.It should have been his birthday today.
13 months is not really a long time to grieve.but grieving to the point where thats all you do  is not healthy and your step-dad would be so unhappy for you. The only way i could get thru it all was one day at a time but never two of the same days. If Monday was a bad day, i let it be.Tues tho  had to be a better day.Never two bads in a row.I had a life to get back to, work,friends etc even tho I didnt want to.Now, my life is good but I will always have a piece of my heart broken, nothing can fix it and I dont want to.But my heart  is as im sure yours is , big enought to take it all. In my quite moments i take them out from hiding and grieve them. Still. But it is also loving them and letting them know the will never be forgotten. I remember such important thinks now, I even laught out loud! Talk to your step dad, ask for help and courage.Dont be afraid of your grief, its an expression of your love for him.But living your life to its full potential is as well.
Take care,Cath278

[Bel26]

Thankyou for your kind words.
I find that iam thinking about him 24 hours a day and its starting to take over my life. I think about it when iam going to sleep and when i first wake up and when iam driving and when iam even talking to other people. Is that normal? its been nearly 13 mths and i still feel as bad as i did on the first day. i cant sleep at night sometimes because if i start thinking about it i cry. I just want to know is it normal to have it on your mind 24 /7 and think about nothing else? I have lost a whole year of my life. Do you ever feel like that?

[Neta100]

I agree with empathetic.  There is no time to stop grieving for someone and everyone is different in assimilating the death of a loved one.  My advice is to cherish his memories and if you want to cry, do so.  Talk about him and think that even though you didn't say good-bye, he knows how much you loved him and will be watching over you.  Also, don't hold a grudge on his family and think about all the good times you spent with him.

I lost a dear man who was like a dad to me last September and I still miss him.  Time has helped alleviate the pain and there isn't a day that I don't think about him.  I talk to him and even though I know he won't answer, I know he's listening and one day, we'll meet again.  He was such a loving and caring man, and he took me in as if I was his own daughter and I was blessed to have him in my life.  

So, cherish his memories and time will help diminish the pain and you'll be able to go on and be happy once again.

Best wishes.

Neta

[empathetic]

You will be happy again, though it may still be a long time away. I lost a boyfriend a while back and it was four years before I was able to start to deal with it and another year or two to get back to "normal".

It seems as if you really are wishing for some sort of closure. I wouldn't worry too much that you weren't able to say goodbye to him in person. He knows that you loved him and it would "go without saying". But perhaps you can find some ways to bring some sort of closure to your own grieving. Perhaps you can put together your own ritual of some sort.

Funerals have always seemed to me as if they are more for the living than for the dead. Considering that you seem to be somewhat disconnected from the family members who didn't include you, then seeing them probably wouldn't have helped your mourning process.

From what you wrote, I also wonder if some of your unhappiness is wrapped up in being angry with these family members. Perhaps forgiving them and letting go of feeling left out could also help in your process. Don't let them override your happy memories of your step dad with any negatives. Focus on your relationship with him, not them.

Ideas for getting through it. Distraction. Throw yourself into your work, projects, friendships, etc. Keep busy. And don't forget that it is also okay to start living your own life again. Start with just the little things: buy some new music, learn to cook something new, read some good books, learn a language. The big things will follow.

I've read that it is possible to rewire your brain to have happier thoughts. After thinking just 10 happy thoughts in a row, your brain will be more likely to think about happy things. (The same thing works for negative thoughts.) So watch some funny television, avoid depressing dramas, and make sure to laugh, even if you have to fake it. Eventually you won't be faking it and it will be real.

You may never be the same again, but you will learn from all of this and it will make you stronger, and eventually you will be happier. It's okay to be sad and there is no set timeline for your "recovery".

Good luck. Hope this helped.