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229760 tn?1291467870

Recently loss my 7wk y/o son

Hi, I am new to this forum, but not new to medhelp by any means. I started out on the feritilty forum and graduated to the pregnancy forum and now sadly I am here.

I gave birth to my beautiful son Cooper on June 6th. He returned to heaven on July 23rd. It took us 2 years and miscarriage to get him and it only took 7 wks to loose him. He was born with a heart condition called HLHS. I found out about it at my 18wk ultrasound. It felt like our world had ended, but the doctors gave us all our possiblities and the only one we considered was fighting for his life.  When he was around two weeks old he had his first open heart surgery, sadly it only temporaily "fixed" the problem for about a week. So, during the next couple weeks he had two more surgeries and several cath labs.  On July 23rd the doctor told us he was not going to make and we had to decided when to stop the medicine. I told him I would never do this. My brave son made the decision for us, he returned to heaven when they placed him in my arms. He looked up at me and gave me this look like everything was going to be okay.  That was the third time I ever got to hold him.  His chest was still open so we saw his heart stop beating, this image still plays over and over in my head.

I never thought at the age of 27 my world be shattered. I see no meaning of going on with my life. That really scares me. I am going to counseling and I am going to support groups. I am also reading books on grief.  I do have good days but they are always plagued with bad moments.  I am coming to you guys in hope that I can find someone that shares my pain.

We now owe over 2 million dollars to Children's Hospital and just the stress of this alone is pushing me futher and futher into depression. I feel like my life is spinning out of control.... I want my son and my old life back.

Sorry to be so long.

Rachel
20 Responses
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167426 tn?1254086235
I came here for my recent loss, your stories have touched me,  I just lost my only daughter from Ovarian cancer,  I will ask her to gather up your babies and care for them, the way she cared for her own 3 girls,  In a way it makes me feel good to think of her caring for these little ones, as she was such a wonderful girl and woman.  She was especially good with special children,  her work for 19 years was with them.  She will gather them up and they will be singing and dancing, they will be safe with her and never alone.
Helpful - 0
299155 tn?1235489269
Bless all of you.  Please know that all of your stories are touching lives out here.  All of you are inspiring, thoughtful Mothers.  As I make my way thru each day, I find myself being a better person because of all of you...more loving mother, more kind and considerate to strangers...etc.  Your thoughtful posts inspire many.  I am so sorry for you losses and trials.  

Thank you

Helpful - 0
229760 tn?1291467870
Thanks ladies, I did not even know that people were still reading about my sweet little Cooper. That is so touching.

I wish could give a great update, but right now I am sitting here having a m/c. This sweet little baby would have been born a week after Cooper's due date.  Life is tough and I just never thought I would be kicked when I was already down.  
Helpful - 0
648003 tn?1230563087
i am now 32 weeks pregnant with a baby who has trisomy 13 and has been given a death sentence after he is born if he survives being born at all. i found out at 22 weeks that he had a omphalacele. from there i had a ultra sound done and they didn't find out anything really devestating in his body that would cause demise but we did do an amnio so that i would be able to make the decision as to have a c-section or deliver natually. and, since really a home birth was my plan in the beginning i wanted to do what would be best for my uterus since i have already had one c-section and one home birth. we found out by amnio that our baby has trisomy 13 and it is from a translocation of the 13th and 14th chrom. this can be hereditary this specific type and the docs then wanted to do more tests on my husband and i. but, i can't take it. i am in information overload. i don't want to know what my percentage is to have this happen again. i asked the genetic counselor to just pretend that i carry it and then just give me an idea of what percentage we would look at for this happening again. she said 1%. this is rare even if you carry the balanced translocation. and, since i have two girls now i guess i got some proof that we can have a healthy baby. today i looked at my baby girls when they were just little babies and their pictures make me smile so much! and, i know with all my heart that it is worth the heart ache to get that healthy baby in your arms. i will not allow statistics or fear to control me and my desire to have a baby in my arms and feeling that pure joy again. it is worth it! i will not give up! i am afraid of what is in store for me and i am having a hard time but it will be worth everything in the end. also, i had a mc before this pregnancy at 11weeks and then this happened after trying to conceive for 2 years! i am due dec 4th and it is coming upon me. it is just so hard to believe anything is wrong with my baby boy since he is wiggling and kicking all the time with the hiccups just so normal so it will be hard to be pregnant again because this one is just so seemingly normal. i am thankful that i don't have to go at this alone and that others have felt this pain too. and, i too know your grief and i hate that either of us has to go through this. but, i promise you.........it is worth it in the end! Don't give up!!!!!
Helpful - 0
182926 tn?1273012392
I also named my son cooper.  I lost him on Tuesday of this week and I have absolutely no idea how I'll get through each day..  I am very angry at God right now.  BUt hope you are finding the strength to heal..  It will give me some hope..  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Jesus
Please reach down and help this family through this difficult time.  If it is your will, I pray that you will bless them with a healthy baby when the time is right.  Please comfort their hearts.  In Jesus name..
Amen
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588676 tn?1317820597
Also, to let you know,  what caused my baby's demise was not the omphalocele or the spina bifida... she passed away due to a cord accident.  When my MD delivered her via C-section she immediately walked closer to my face to show me that the baby's umbilical cord was so tightly wrapped around her ankle that her left ankle was white!!! She kept telling me that I did nothing wrong and there was no way I could have prevented this from happening.  Now I know, as I have mentioned to you above, that this was God's way of saving Madison.  
Sincerely,
Maddiesmom0801
Helpful - 0
588676 tn?1317820597
Rachel, I genuinely understand what you are experiencing Sweetheart.  At age 26, I would have never thought that having a family would be so difficult for me either.  6 weeks ago today ( on 8/1/08) I had my daughter Madison Brianna via C-section due to her being stillborn.  I have had a total of 2 miscarriages (early around 4-5 wks preg.) due to low progesterone levels (now taking Prometrium); an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured (had a left salpingectomy on 8/5/07) and now this on 8/1/08.  This means I have been pregnant four times in 1 year.  On June 23rd when I was 19 wks pregnant my husband and I went to our MD appt in hopes of finding out our baby's gender only to find out that they could not tell the gender because the baby's intestines were in the way.  My husband and I were like "WHAT???" Being a Labor & Delivery RN I knew what this meant but nonetheless completely devastated.  Our daughter was not only diagnosed with an omphalocele though she also had a mild case of spina bifida as well. The amniocentesis I had came back normal, meaning this happened to us "by chance".  It occurs 1 in every 250,000 to 400,000 births...go figure.  I remember on July 31st I cried for a long time that day.  A friend of mine had her healthy baby that morning and I was excited for her, but I was also thinking about how much my daughter would have to endure when she was to arrive in Nov. I cried that day and asked God to "Save my baby.  Lord, please help Madison."  And you know what Rachel, God saved my baby.  I felt her kick for the last time and when I went to work that night and didn't hear her heartbeat with our Doppler I didn't feel this way, but now I can say with confidence that God saved Madison.  Upon her arrival in late October or early November she would have had to have major surgeries.  She does not have to now. She is ok now.  No suffering, no being placed on a ventilator to breathe, no risk of infection... God has healed our baby and saved her. Praise God for loving our daughter enough to spare her of those ailments. This is what gives my husband and I peace to go on.  We were able to get her handprint and footprints and we keep them framed.  We also have pictures of her that we keep in our bereavement box provided by the hospital.
So I can truly relate to your pain, unfortunately.  But rest assured knowing that your beautiful Cooper is healed and not suffering.  And also know that it is ok to mourn for your precious baby.  I still cry from time to time because I want my Maddie back. She was so beautiful.  I was 24 wks and 3 days pregnant when she passed away.  Even with all her "defects" my husband and I would be grateful if she were here in a heartbeat.  We were already meeting with MDs at Children's Hospital preparing for her arrival.  
You know what though, I felt what it was like to have a baby growing inside me.  I felt what it was like to have a baby kick me and respond to my voice.  We were even blessed to be able to see what our daughter looked like.  I praise God for giving us this opportunity.
I pray that you and your husband will find peace in your situation as well.
Take care 'cause I care,
Maddiesmom0801
Helpful - 0
229760 tn?1291467870
Thank you so much! It breaks my heart to know that you are feeling the exact same way I am feeling. I hope we can be great support for each other and I truly belive with time both of us be "okay" again.  

There are so many wonderful people here on this community and I see that you are also "friends" with the some of my pals on the pregnancy forums.  

I left you a "sticky note" and I truly look forward to talking with you again!

Take care,
Rachel
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You are here.. you matter.  you will go on.  your profound sadness is a testiment to that fact.  you will never forget your son.  ever. he will remain in your heart, every second, of every day.  it is heartbreaking.  it is so monumentally sad, that it seems as though you cannot go on.  But you are. right now.  I lost my son at 9 weeks old, and no matter the circumstances, it remains heartbreaking.  I am so sorry for your loss.  You are strong, you are brave, and even though you walk every day with that horrible pit in your stomach feeling, know that you are here. know that you and your husband are doing everything that you can, to keep going.  I cry all the time.  its good to cry.  i get mad, i always feel like i have been cheated.  loss is something we feel all the time.  in happy moments.. it seems as though we somehow find ourselves back in the sad moments, afraid to feel anything but sadness.  i wish i could be there for you , you will continue your lives stronger... you will go on.. i have faith in you and your husband that you will.... again.. i wish i could be there for you.  we all have our lives .. we all have our pain, and it is the coming together for each other that truly helps to mend our hearts. I am currently experiencing a miscarriage, and i just dont know what else to say, i am so sad that you have lost your little baby.  the feelings that i feel towards the loss of my son, and this mc.. i would never wish to put on another.,, i am so sorry you are going through what you are going through.  i wish i could help you  somehow.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I've already sent you a reply, but I just read your post. OMG honey, It's amazing that you're able to even write on here, that alone shows how strong you are. You should take some comfort in knowing that you've just survived probably the biggest loss and struggle you'll ever face in life. I also hope to have another baby. My husband and I are in complete agreement that we not doing anything to prevent it. I hope you have a peaceful day. You'll be in thoughts and prayers.


P.S.
I'm not a crazy person either...lol!

Always,
Niome
Helpful - 0
229760 tn?1291467870
kipland- you are such an amazing person!!! I got your hug and I am sending one back!  

You are so right about saying how amazing Cooper is! Are motto is to fight like Cooper!!!

I truly appreciate all your support....thanks again for everything!  
Helpful - 0
185634 tn?1257071139
I did go there, and couldn't stop reading.  I even read a lot of the messages that were sent to you all, even though I didn't know anyone out there!  I wasn't lying when I said I had tears streaming down my cheeks.  What an amazing little man.  And handsome!

Honey ~ you and your husband are anything BUT weak and fragile.  I'm sure you feel it right now, but this has made you stronger than most.  It's obvious that you have a LOT of people that love and care about you.  That's going to help you both so much.  I don't know you, but I so want to give you a great big hug!!  

Take care of yourself.
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229760 tn?1291467870
Thank you so much everyone! Believe it was not my attention to come and have people tell me how wonderful I am, because I myself see me as weak and fraigle.  But anyway thank you.... it is nice to have another shoulder to lean on.  I can that this community is a nice place for me to be.  

kipland- I can't believe you went and read all of Cooper's Carepages.  You are so true when you called him a fighter. Hence thats why the nurses called him Super Cooper!!!

Thanks again everyone!!!
Helpful - 0
332074 tn?1229560525
I must admit after reading your heartbreaking post, I can honestly say that I now know the true definition of being a great mother.
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185634 tn?1257071139
Rachel ~
I was looking at your profile after I posted, and of course was reading the updates from before Cooper was born and on.  Of course, I found the carepages and read through those as well.  Now I sit with tears streaming down my face, as I really see what a fighter he was and how much love surrounded all of you.  What an emotional rollercoaster for all of you.

I was very happy to see your faith through it all.  Let God wrap his loving arms around you as you go through the grieving process.  Lean on Him - he will see you through.  I can see through the messages that were sent, that you also have a lot of support of family and friends - which is a true blessing.

God bless little Cooper - he certainly touched a lot of lives in his short time here on earth!!
Helpful - 0
185634 tn?1257071139
Reading your post breaks my heart, and I am so sorry that you've had to go through all of this.  I can't even begin to imagine the heartache you feel.  What you've gone through is definitely not the natural order of life, but what a little fighter he was!  To be so small and go through so much!

Hold on to the memory of him looking at you like everything was going to be okay.  That was him telling you that God had him in His arms and will take care of things from here on out.  Rest assured in that.

I hope you continue with the counseling and grief support as you go through this.  I also hope that you have good family support and friends.  You also have people out here in cyberland to lean on, and please keep doing so as you need it.  Will keep you in my prayers......

Lori
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177382 tn?1253041140
Rachel you are so much stonger than you know.  Your post really touched me I can't imagine going thru what you have been but to be able to talk about it is amazing. Thank you for that,  I hope and pray that you get the baby you so deserve.  huge hugs   ~d
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229760 tn?1291467870
Thank you so much! Your compassion and thoughtfulness really mean a lot to me. It is rare that you find someone who actually says something right without it coming out wrong.  I truly look foward to talking with you again.


Thanks for reading my post!!

Rachel
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535822 tn?1443976780
I cried on reading your wonderful post regarding your beautiful son Cooper, I expect you will touch all who come here and read it, I hope you will find some peace soon, I think you have to live through this and simply ,Endure,it is a short time and really you just let your self ,be;, I know it hurts and I mean this gently, how wonderful you saw his heart beating something most of us will never see, Just Endure its what he would want and time will make you heal ,you will have those memories of him and the short time you had him,Please let us know as time goes on how you are feeling,
Helpful - 0
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