When does it get easier? Am I grieving the wrong way?

[AdultOrphanArlo]

Just call me Arlo.

I lost my father january 2014, when I just turned 18. Which was already hard enough. Then I lost my mother, my best friend, the most important person in my life December 18th 2020 to liver failure [not from alcohol].  Feb '21 i was homeless because my grandfather decided to get rid of the house since he owned it. I was only 25. I had to deal with her death and the loss of my home and everything. Right now I am stable and staying with my best friend. I thought that I had reached a good stable point in my life, but with the upcoming mothers day [and her birthday 05/29] I am falling apart in ways that i feel I should have last year.

I think about her and all our memories and how I'll never get them back. Or relieve them or live through more. And i get a horrible sensation that everything is a dream and im about to wake up, but i never do. All week its been giving me bad panic attacks (i already have ptsd and panic disorder) . The grief has been so bad the past two weeks that I feel like im going insane. Last year me and my siblings handled things okay, left off balloons and had our moments. But i didnt fall apart like this.Now I feel like something is wrong with me, that I should have been okay by now. I know it's been a year and half, and i feel like i should be okay now..

I had my mother my whole life, she was there for everything and we were best friends. In her last 10 years I was her caretaker and I did so proudly the best i could. Without her my life feels empty.  Reality doesn't feel real half the time, and i already struggled with mental problems. I'm trying to live life the best i can, but lately it's been so hard and I don't know what to do. I'm scared and hurting and grieving and I feel alone and I just miss my mom so much. I love her with all my heart and now my heart is gone forever..

When will it stop hurting so badly? I'm crying as i type this and I just want it to be better.