why cant i feel grief and saddness

[august1959]

Hi,  Just buried my mom of 82 years on Tuesday after a long illness.  I just feel completely numb, I seem to be getting on with life as normal not thinking she is gone at all therefore not grieving.  I feel guilty that I am not grieving and upset as I loved my mom very dearly and should be really upset at her loss.  I am waiting for this avalanche of grief to descend on me. Is this normal?

angelica

[august1959]

Thanks to each of you for your help and words of kindness and advice.  Just taking things easy and waiting for exhaustion to wear off first and maybe then I will feel the grieve.  It is true that for the past 8 months my mother has been on deaths door many times and I have cried many hours so maybe I have some of my grieving done,

Visited the cementery yesterday and just cannot believe she is there. I expect her to be in the hospital as she had been for 8 weeks before she died. Going back to work next week so hopefully the normality of life will help me,

Once again thanks to all who posted a reply.

[absolutelyanonymous]

Don't worry about what you're feeling when, august1959.  I lost my dad (he was 84) in April, and I was feeling just like you for a while.  I think I was just in shock.  He had been sick - he had COPD - and I had been helping take care of him and watching him decline for about the last 2 or 3 months of his life.  He was on hospice care at home the last 3 weeks of his life.  When he died I simply couldn't "get my arms around it".  Your feelings of grief will come when they come.  Even though my dad has been gone almost 4 months now, I get sad at the strangest times.  Something will just be said or I'll see something that reminds me of him and sometimes I just have no idea what brings it all back.  

My best girlfriend from college lost her 30 yr. old daughter in July 2009.  She told me that she only knows one thing about grief - it will jump up at you when you least expect it sometimes.  

Give yourself some time and remember that there is no time table or "way" that people grieve.  It's a very personal experience.  Please accept my condolences for your wonderful mom.  We are all here for you!

[Judy246]

Everyone grieves differently. I had 7 deaths in an 8 month period that brought me to my knees. It included my mom, brother in law, fiance father and we loss a baby 2 wks before Christmas. Death is raw and no way around it. It will be a matter of time that the reality of the situation will catch up so to speak, but there is hope and healing. It took me 2 1/2 yrs. to heal and you never really get over it, but adjust to what you have absolutely no control over. Right now it is surreal, but within time you will have a mix of emotions and raw grief, which is normal in order to heal. Don't feel as if you should be grieving, because it will come. It helps to talk about your feelings, but there is no way around this one. It's pure rawness at it's worst. My deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved mother and she wouldn't want you suffering in anyway. Your feelings are normal. We all respond differently, but it will come. Best wishes.

[mammo]

I think you are in a bit of shock, and denial right now, and the grief will come.  It doesn't matter how long you watch someone suffer, you are never prepared for losing them!  You kind of answered your own question when you stated you feel "numb."  I think you should get into therapy regarding this, before it does hit you like a ton of bricks.  I'm very sorry for your loss.  Take care.

[ConnieG]

Well if she had a long illness it is likely that you greived her loss long before she actually left this earth.  Everyone handles death differently.  You can't expect your body to react like anyone elses.  You may never experience the avalanche of grief.  But it's also possible your body just doesn't completely understand what's going on yet since you were grieving so long with her illness.
Just hang in there. I think it's very normal, especially when some is sick for a long time.