Scared with no one to talk to

[Ary1982]

Hi, and thanks in advance for taking the time to answer.  I have never talked about this with anyone.  I'm having severe anxiety issues about HIV.  It's affecting my work, my personal life, my marriage, my sanity.  In January 2008, shortly before I married my husband, I had a brief affair (sex twice, 1 time protected, 1 time unprotected).  My husband (then fiancee) and I had been having a lot of problems, and the guy I had sex with convinced me that my husband had been cheating on me (he hadn't).  So I had a lot to drink, and we had sex.  I cut off contact with him afterward.  A month later, my then fiancee and I had a breakthrough in our couples therapy, and decided to go ahead and get married.  Shortly afterward, I found out I was pregnant with our second son.  So in July 2008, I went in for a routine blood test, including an hiv test.  I didn't know I was getting an hiv test, and gave no thought to hiv, until I saw it on my test screening sheet that I took to the lab.  So, a week later, I went back into the doctor, extremely anxious.  He said that I had antibodies for cytomegalovirus on my test, and that I was slightly anemic, but everything else was fine.  He never specifically said that my hiv test results were negative.  And I read somewhere that CMV was common in people with HIV.  I have been in a panic off and on ever since.  My son is now almost 17 months old, and he's been sick with 3 colds and 1 ear infection in his life.  And he gets mild eczema.  But I'm in a panic now because he got RSV from his daycare (same as his older brother).  I am absolutely convinced that he has hiv from me.  He's big for his age, and his doctor says that he's impressed with his development, health, and size.  But it's not good enough for me.  I'm an absolute wreck.  All I can think of is that I made a really stupid mistake, and my babies and husband are going to suffer because of me.  I try to hide my anxieties and live normally, but it just consumes me.  I am so disgusted with myself all the time.  Please, any kind words, or even telling me that I'm being crazy will help.  I just don't know what to do.  What are the odds that my doctor saw that my hiv test was positive, but he was just incompetent and didn't tell me?  I wasn't as scared then as I am now.  I just keep obsessing over it.  What should I do?

[LIZZIE LOU]

take it to the ocd forum

[Ary1982]

Thank you, Teak.  I just wasn't sure where to go, since I don't think that I'll get hiv from blood on a toilet seat or anything.

[Teak]

Zero. Had you tested positive your doctor would have told you. Take any more questions you have to the OCD forum where you might be able to get some help.