About three weeks ago I had met a guy in a sauna I told him I didn't want to do anything was there just out of curiosity and was only going to look.
We chatted a bit after and we exchanged numbers since he was with friends.
Last week I went to his place and ended up hooking up, I topped I asked if we were using protection and he said whatever you want... I first used a condom but after positions not working I took it off he said he wanted to try another position. We did but I did't use a condom. I was only in for a couple of minutes. Later finished outside of him.
Here's where it gets SUPE SCARY AND PARANOID KICKS IN.
I saw a photo id with what was his real name and not the name he gave me. Later that night out of curiosity I googled him. First thing that came up was an article about an hiv positive patient with the same name. I freaked out.
Before he was telling me things about himself and now really isn't since i've been texting him. I already had an HIV test the day after and came out negative then an std panel. I have found out that there is a more extensive hiv test that's 95% after 10 days and 99% after 30 days.
I'm unemployed right now and would like to do that other test and would put it on a credit card, should I do the 10 day or the 30 day.
I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years and had taken a couple of weeks to ourselves so that I can work on my depression and anxiety. NOW I TURN AROUND AND DO THIS!? there are times where I wish I could just die right now, break up what is still there and leave my house. Completely disconnect from family in shame, even suicidal thoughts have come up but it hurts to think of the pain i would bring my loved ones. We had some rocky times because when i'm really down I go MIA and stay to myself for days with very little communication. I had already agreed to go visit his family for the weekend and wanted to keep my word.
How do I compose myself to go?
How do I remain calm and wait without saying anything since we haven't had relations in over a month? Advised by hiv test councilor to remain calm and not say anything until getting results after 90 days.
If I begin to get close to him and have feelings for him, I feel bad, guilty, like trash.
Anyone?
Sorry for rambling on.