Aa
Joke of the day
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her..
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
I think it was funnier with the word censored. You had to think a little bit before the ahah moment! Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with Delores. ;-)
Not a joke, but a true story from a fireman in N.C.
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A woman shows up at a rural gas station/store. She is a little roughed up and says she was in a car accident down the road. The state trooper shows up in a few minutes and interviews the woman. After, as she is going into the store to sit down, a man walks up kind of staggering and holding an infant in one arm. As he is walking he is swinging the infant around quite a bit an looks like he may fall down. He has some scrapes and scratches on his face, is messed up and obviously drunk or high. The trooper takes the man to his car and has him sit in the front seat. After a couple of minutes the trooper gets out and pulls the man out of the car and handcuffs him.
As he is doing this the man yells at the woman, "B****, I told you to tell the Man that you were driving!"
The woman replied cooly, "I did, fool!"
Not a joke, but a true story from a fireman in N.C.
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A woman shows up at a rural gas station/store. She is a little roughed up and says she was in a car accident down the road. The state trooper shows up in a few minutes and interviews the woman. After, as she is going into the store to sit down, a man walks up kind of staggering and holding an infant in one arm. As he is walking he is swinging the infant around quite a bit an looks like he may fall down. He has some scrapes and scratches on his face, is messed up and obviously drunk or high. The trooper takes the man to his car and has him sit in the front seat. After a couple of minutes the trooper gets out and pulls the man out of the car and handcuffs him.
As he is doing this the man yells at the woman, "B****, I told you to tell the Man that you were driving!"
The woman replied cooly, "I did, fool!"
They **** the funniest part!!!! It was supposed to say t-w-a-t. Oh well it is still funny.
THE HORTH WHITHPERER *
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks
him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her ****'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him
out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit'?
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks
him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her ****'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him
out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit'?
A guy walks into a backwoods redneck bar and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful pritty-boy from California.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Jersey."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Jersey?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Jersey."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Jersey?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
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