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547836 tn?1302832832

Troubled

It has been a year and a half since I finished 48 weeks of treatment.  Although I've kept up with college, I'm still left with a large part of my social life compromised.  I don't feel like the person I was before, I feel more bitter and refuse to make any efforts to see friends.  My daily acquaintances at most consists only of classmates and my roommates.

I can no longer handle watching films with good and happy endings without feeling empty and deprived of never feeling so deeply in love in a relationship.  Always so jealous for attention.  I can't stop thinking and analyzing the smallest events that happen in life.
24 Responses
Avatar universal
Perhaps you have some unvoiced anger over having to deal with a serious health issue at an age when your contemporaries are seemingly all happy-go-lucky.  Just a guess on my part but it would be perfectly normal.  

As for your comments about love - the way through that is to offer love instead of looking to receive love.  Not easy wisdom, I understand.

What would happen if you let your thoughts about being bitter go?  For just a day, forget your past and give yourself the gift of being free of the past.  In other words, if you wanted to see a bird who was singing in your yard, would you look to where that bird is now or where it had come from?  Doesn't really matter where the bird flew does it?  Only where it chooses to land now.  And the beauty and saving grace is that you have that very choice.

Wishing you the joy and happiness you long for.  Be well.
Susan  
Avatar universal
Hi sweetie,

I remember your courageous journey through treatment.  Youngest one of all of us, seemed like you were one of our daughters, you could have been for the age of you and how we felt towards you going through this with us "old folks".  We were and I was so amazed at your maturity going through all this.  You were an inspiration for how you handled all that.  You are, perhaps, out of synch a bit with your peers as a result.  How many of them have already done that kind of battle and had to face the kinds of emotions and realities that you went through and faced as you did treatment?  Being so young and yet having to think about mortality at the same time as thinking about your future as you tried to maintain your college education while getting through treatment.  It's an odd place to be, isn't it?  

As many of us found, people who were not and have not been on the same journey could not possibly understand what that was like and how profound of an impact it can have on your outlook on life.  Particularly so for your peers, who have just barely launched into life and have so many experiences yet ahead of them to learn lessons from.  Rare for someone your age to have already done that and it perhaps puts you in a unique...and perhaps isolating...category.

Maybe it makes you feel older than you are...and that life has passed you by faster than it really has.  Sitting where I am at....you have SO many years ahead of you within which to experience all the things you yearn for and desire.  Having said that......I recall being 20 or so and feeling like I would never get married.  What an odd thing to think at 20 years of age, eh?  So perhaps you're not so alone in those kinds of thoughts.  Incidentally, life can change quickly and I found myself married at 21, baby at 22 and mother of three by 25.  

I also know, from all the brave good folks who share experiences here and sometimes personal ones that are difficult to share, that depression can follow treatment more often than people realize.  And that if it's untreated, it can carry on for far too long.  One of the discussions we had on this here on this forum, after I plunged into my own black depression and finally talked about it - was from someone who commented that she wished that perhaps she had sought treatment at the time...and that perhaps it might not have gone on as long as it had nor affected her as much as it had.

For you to be so young and feel this way needs to be addressed, sweetie.  I urge you to see a professional, to get some help for this, even if it's meds on a temporary basis to give you some help in lifting up your moods for you until you are able to do it for yourself...and give you some relief from this.

The lovely warm beautiful spark that was always the lalapple I knew, loved and admired on this forum is in there somewhere.  And you simply need a little bit of help to find her again, she's a wee bit....lost.  My heart's a bit broken for you because you are feeling this way and I am so glad you've reached out - please continue to do that until you find your way back to the that beautiful attractive and lovely person you are in your spirit and your heart.  

A step at a time, a day at a time, sweetie.  Hang in there.  Seek out help until you find the key to the right door that opens the path back home for you.

Love and warm gentle hugs.

Trish



374652 tn?1494811435
The fact that you are noticing these emotions, tendencies etc. is a good thing, most people go through life unaware of their tendencies.  The hard part is not feeding them, its OK that you are focused on your studies, maybe you havent met anyone that really interests you.  First rule of order life is hard enough dont be hard on yourself,  be your own best friend, reach out when you can, have faith and life is always presenting us with challenges, thats how we grow, thats how we cultivate understanding and compassion.  Remember everyone is suffering one way or another, we are all in this together.  
Life is like a roller coaster ride, just hang on and go for the ride, you seem to be learning a lot about yourself and it is good to contemplate those thoughts.  Happiness is found within, everything else is subject to change.  
I think one of the hardest lessons to learn is how to love, love is unconditional and that means, loving for its own sake not for the results that may or may not benefit us.
hang in and keep relaxing into peaceful moments thats all we have is each moment, oops its already gone.
Love,
Mary4now
547836 tn?1302832832
Thanks all, it hasn't gone to a point where I'm not able to function in normal daily life.  But I have noticed that I'm more frustrated than usual.  It seems like there's no permanent relief sometimes, retail therapy and occasional fun activities can improve my mood, but after the events, it's just back to another slump.  I had a terrible time with my treating physicians, they really made me lose respect for modern day medicine.  I'm afraid seeking professional help will do more harm than good.
1477908 tn?1349567710
Hi lala,

I remember you too from way back and how much of a trooper you were and a source of inspiration for us old timers.

I think back to a year ago when my son was having some issues - his wife left him, finances with divorce plummeted and his seizures came back with all the stress, so he lost his license for a time to boot. Anyway, he was very functional and doing all the "right" things - maintaining a job through carpooling, running or playing hoops to stay active, eating right - but still he was tanking. I finally got scared for him from the way he was feeling and urged him to see his Dr. for help. The doc listened to him and since he was doing all he could to fend off depression, but it wasn't working, he put him on a low dose of AD's with the advice to seek counseling. The AD's really did the trick (for him) to help him out of his slump and wasn't a long term deal. He did see a counselor a couple times, then dropped it since he got his mojo back. Well, a long winded answer, but just wanted to mention that sometimes functioning in normal daily life is a far cry from enjoying it to the fullest and that you may just need a temporary fix to get yourself beyond this hurdle.

I'm about 8 months or so post tx and even though I'm a real hermit most times (always have been) I still need to push myself a bit to get out and about in the real world and make new friends - sometimes friends can fall by the wayside during a long tx. It does rejuevenate me and gets me excited about life again, especially after having one of those days when I wonder too much about things - yeah, even we, boomers, do that too.

Keep movin' even if it's sideways and hopefully you'll break out of your funk soon.Hang in there!!! Pam
206807 tn?1331936184
“It has been a year and a half since I finished 48 weeks of treatment.  Although I've kept up with college, I'm still left with a large part of my social life compromised.  I don't feel like the person I was before”

I pretty much disagree with some of the others. It sounds like to me you are still suffering from tx. Just like there is no way to predict the sx, there is no way to determine how long it will take to fully recover. I do agree that maybe some light A.Ds. may help. Keep in mind; you don’t have to stay on them forever. Several people blames this on age but you “Blow that Theory out of the Water”. Having to sit back and watch your friends enjoying a normal, youthful, life, and not being able to fully join them, I’m sure is not helping.

Hang in there, it will get better. It just takes some of us longer than others. It’s been a long journey for me and I haven’t made it there yet. I look at it this way, I may not be where I want to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be. It will get better.
Avatar universal
"I had a terrible time with my treating physicians, they really made me lose respect for modern day medicine.  I'm afraid seeking professional help will do more harm than good."

Hm.  I'll say carefully that if some of us stopped with the physicians that were either not the right match for us or downright incompetent, we'd have been screwed. Moving on to find one that WAS professional, competent and decent made all the difference.  I'm sorry for what happened with you - however I'd urge you to not give up on ALL medical professionals as a result.  Where would alot of us be if we had done that?  Perhaps you can ask for a recommendation from someone you trust?  It might take a bit to find the right fit.  Don't let someone else's failure cause you to keep from seeking what you need.  Perhaps even start with a counsellor just so you have someone to talk to about your emotions.  Helps to have someone who is supposed to listen to you.  Can be a very useful outlet.
691935 tn?1421027090
It's really horrible that you had to go through this but 1 year and 1/2 really isn't that long. I do believe you may be still suffering from tx.  One thing is for sure the virus and the treatment are both life altering.  You are a very strong young lady to have gone through all this.  A common, virus-free person would never understand what you have been through.

I know it has to be rough for you but stay strong, don't give up, and try to focus on your goal of getting your degree.  One thought, when you get your schooling behind you maybe the rest will be behind you as well.  
Avatar universal
Hi Lal!!!!   I'm so happy to see you posting but I'm sorry it's because you are searching for help.  You were so courageous and strong throughout your entire treatment and treatment was VERY rough on you with the addition of rescue meds that continued long after you stopped treatment.  You were put through the mill yet you were always a bright spot here.  I was always amazed at how a person so young as yourself could be so strong during all of it.  I am very proud of you.

My take on what you have said here is that, as R Glass said, you are still suffering the lingering effects of treatment.  I am also 18 mos post treatment and I can honestly say that I am still noticing that I am still "not myself" when it comes to emotions.  I don't feel the joy in things I used to but it is getting better and I suspect that you will continue to gradually improve in this area too.  

Many of the things you have mentioned here can be tied to depression and we all know that treatment causes depression.  Don't be afraid to seek professional help with a new doctor and let the doctor decide if you are depressed.  There IS HELP for depression.  Depression meds can help you get over this hump.

I've missed you!!!   Please keep me posted on how you are doing -- you are not alone.  :)
475300 tn?1312423126
Hi LaLa, I have wondered about you off and on!!  Sorry that you didn't bounce right back like some do.  I am 3 years post and still don't feel like "me".  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling that way.

Denise
388154 tn?1306361691
Hi la nice to see you posting, its okey not to feel okay in one sence i another its not,
i mean youvé got rights and one is to be happy about your self.

You are such a special person, talk about brave. I remember your struggle and fights with the doc and othermedical staff members( those ignorant abusers). You amazed me big time and inspired me aswell.
And all the notes of encouragement youhave sent to so many people your just the best.

Dear La I will never forget you and I can´t imagen anything else for you than a bright shining future .  I envy those who will take part in you life ahead.
they will be so blessed of your precence.

I also think recovery can take a lot longer than we expected,( my own experince) but eventually all will be good,and hopefully we will learn from that experience aswell.

I will pray for you that the good loving power I belive in wil be there for you always.

All the best.

ca.

Avatar universal
"I can't stop thinking and analyzing the smallest events that happen in life."  "refuse to make any efforts to see friends"
____________________________________________________________________________
I got to thinking about RGlasses' response that you may still be feeling the results of tx and he may be right.   Both of the lines above that were in your original post could support that you are low or not getting enough serotonin.  Although many antidepressants address this, the simpler first step could be taking a trytophan supplement for a couple of weeks and see if that helps.  

If you are frustrated with your doctors, you might also want to take a look at "The UltraMind Solution: Fix Your Broken Brain By Healing Your Body First" by Dr. Mark Hyman.  It offers many quizzes to help you hone in on any potential problem areas, and much that I've read in his books is also now showing up in work by the scientists who won the Nobel Prize for their work on telameres and telamere effects on aging.  

Thinking about you and hoping your will feel better soon.
Susan
179856 tn?1333547362
Hey pal I am glad to see you but so glad to hear that you are still going through so much.

You know, what you went through was a traumatic thing, treatment is not as easy as people (other than us) think it is.  It might not be that uncommon to hold some hostility towards the whole thing, especially at your age. It was a LOT on your plate my friend, seriously you have to remember that.

In time the sunshine will come back out, it always does. But for now cut yourself some slack - we can all relate to the ordeal you went through but we aren't your age so for us it's not as drastic if we dont go out as much or want to see friends as much. I have become a veritable recluse except for work but at my age it's not as big a deal. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

You will have your time to shine just hang in there.  And I agree with the suggestions above perhaps a short source of some light ADs would help the serotonin level and for a while - while you are making a comeback it might just carry you through.

Please, dont be such a stranger. We care about you.
545538 tn?1295992017
I'm sorry to hear that you are having difficulties. Just speaking about them on this forum can be cathartic. I'm a little over a year post tx and just last week I was posting that my emotions are still out of whack. I cry easily, get upset quickly and just generally am on "tenderhooks" emotionally. Like Ron Glass said, perhaps its still a leftover from tx. At the same time I agree with you perhaps seeing someone to talk things out. My daughter is around your age and has had alot of difficulty in life, losing her step mother, her father having end stage liver disease, losing her best friend, sometimes too much to bear. I keep on trying to get her to go to a professional, if nothing else but to have someone who will listen without any hidden motives or simple platitudes to make everything "better". My heart goes out to you,
Kathy
547836 tn?1302832832
Everyone here is right, having someone to listen is key.  Thanks for paying attention to what I had to say.  I will take each advice with serious consideration and hopefully take the next best step!

Good luck to all!  And thank you!
Avatar universal
Lal...  Keep us posted on how you are doing...even if it's just to stop by and say hi.  :)
Avatar universal
Hi Lady,
I'm at the 2 1/2 yr post txing mark and it took me awhile to "find my place in the world" when I returned to after being away a mere 9 months. The treatment messed with my thyroid a bit and meds helped a little, but it took me awhile to realize that the world wasn't what changed -it was me. Even my relationship with my husband was different. I no longer let other peoples' issues block me from my goals (including Drs who were either inept or didn't care) and I didn't sweat the little things.
I figured that I got a second chance at life and health, and I was going to live life to it's fullest in the future. I left people behind that were toxic and embraced the ones who were my true friends. It was sobering that there weren't many people left, but they were always the ones I could count on to make me laugh when I was down or to tell me I was being stupid when it was warranted. My dreams for the future also changed and I made a "bucket list" of things I wanted to accomplish before I died. It is a LONG list, so I'd better live a good long time! LOL
You will find your way. Right now you are going through the motions but it feels as if you're in someone else's life and body. Get out and be around people. Invest yourself into doing something that makes you feel good about yourself. Everything else will follow. For the physical side of things, get your thyroid levels checked (TSH, FT3, FT4) and if they are okay, try a mild AD until everything evens out again. You are a survivor, but you haven't broke away from post tx survival mode just yet...Good luck and hang in there...~MM
Avatar universal
I'm here for you any time dear friend.  I'm hoping things will quickly subside
for you :)
Many hugs
Elaine
Avatar universal
Hi Lal,

First my apology about not replying to your note from many moons ago; second, you're just as close in many of our hearts as you've always been, so that says something about how successful you are in relationships; third, and this is just my bias, an academic exchange year might breathe some fresh air into your life. Knowing how terrific and tenacious you are at organizing what can be difficult, why not head to the admin office on Monday and find out what's involved in an exchange? (My son did one and can talk to you about it, if you'd like.)

PM me if you'd like. I'll get a notification in my inbox and that way I can get back to you sooner.

Much love and regards to your parents,

Susan

P.S. I took the little one skiing and he loved it. Will try to post photo of him for you later.
412873 tn?1329174455
Dear, sweet Lala,

I was so happy to see your post, but then so sorry to hear of you troubles.  There has been some great advice given.  Of course, I have to add my two cents because you're my forum daughter =)

You had such a hard treatment and related issues with your docs.  Coming out the other side of that, you are of course a different person.  A stronger, wiser person.  But sometimes that makes it even harder to relate to people your own age that haven't experienced hardships in life yet.  

Does your school have a student clinic where you can find a new set of docs, or perhaps they can refer you to a counselor?  Have them run some lab work...make sure your thyroid is where it should be because of the trouble you had during tx. I also think a littile anti-D could be a good thing to help you find an even keel right now.

My experience has been similar to medicmommy's.  My second chance was a good time to do some clean up.  No more toxic people, no time to waste with the negative.  Making that transition was tough, it was sad to realize that I could no longer tolerate the "superficial-ness" of some of my friends.  I can only imagine how magnified that must seem with people your age.  LIke you, most of my time is spent with school and my social life is non-existant. Seriously, ya gotta take some time every day to do something for yourself-even if it's just going for a run or a walk.  Also, remember how strong you are.  All of us are---how could we have gone through what we all did and not be.  

Like NYgirl said, the sun is gonna shine again for you.  When it does, you're going to remember how strong you are and you're gonna go out and rule your world.  I have no doubt of that.  You inspired this forum through your treatment. Look inside yourself, find out what's important to you.  Find your dream and follow it.  Doing what you love will lead you to fellowship with people following the same dreams as you and that my sweet Lala could very well lead you the that relationship that you thought you'd never find. (that's what I tell my Sasa)

Come here and vent anytime you need. You've got a special place in many hearts here and we all will help anyway we can.

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) and much love to you,

Isobella
547836 tn?1302832832
Ahh you all are so great.  Seeing everyone here again really brings tears to my eyes.  I'm doing great.  So much better!  Still UND, what more can I ask for?  
I've started reading again, and it's such a great outlet!  We should start a book list.  
Avatar universal
Someday you will run into that someone special and then you will have the world at your fingertips and this will become a distant memory, and that will be one lucky person....... You deserve the best, keep smiling and the world will smile with you.

Stay well,
Cando
Avatar universal
Sorry lala......
Had to say Hi to my candoman:)
751342 tn?1534360021
I decided to poke my head on the forum (it's been awhile!), and was sorry to see that you are feeling a bit out of sorts. I finished around the same time as you, and you better believe I am still experiencing sides from tx. Fortunately, my mental state couldn't be better, I am very happy and living life to it's fullest, maybe a little too full. But I am back on Xanax because I am still experiencing panic attacks, dizziness and the ringing in the ears comes and goes. I still have a little bit of trouble keeping focus, after all, I am sitting here in school surfing the net, Facebooking and not paying full attention to the class. Hang tough, and do see a doctor about this, I may have to switch from the Xanax to something else at some point. I just started back on it and it is helping.
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