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How to deal with after giving herpes to others

I feel terrible about giving herpes to my boyfriend and really don’t know how to proceed my life now, so I hope anyone can share some experiences or suggestions you may have. Many thanks..

I was diagnosed with genital herpes (hsv 2) in January. From last year September to now I have 4 outbreaks. Every time the outbreaks was triggered by external cut, like putting a period cup in or doctor examination with vaginal tool. So I didn’t catch the symptom this time that a little itch. I was having period and I thought the itch was from sanitary pad.

I met my boyfriend at my first outbreak last September when neither of us knew what it was. I checked with doctors a few times but every time they gave me very unclear answer so only until January I was finally diagnosed with blood igg test.

My symptoms are not exactly the same as what I read online like I mentioned about the trigger. Also my first outbreak happened four months after a non-consent sex. The first time was not sever at all, I didn’t have flu-like symptoms and it’s just a wound at the labia I hurt myself with the period cup. And all my outbreaks are very minor like 1-2 sores after my genital was hurt by something. You might be even wondering whether what I have is herpes. But it indeed is, I did the igg blood test twice as positive and the sores look like the pictures I found online and I indeed have recurrent outbreaks which last 7 days to cure. I don’t have any vaginal bacteria infection or other STDs.

After I was diagnosed in January I had a long time depression and immediately stopped having sex with my boyfriend. He also did full STD tests and turned out negative for all which was a relief because we had intercourse during my first outbreak and had 3-4 unprotected intercourses before I diagnosed. He was very caring and sweet and supportive after I diagnosed and said he still would like to have sex with me. Until April, we started to have sex again, and every time we used condoms carefully.

Last week we had a big fight and broke up. Then I went back to reunite and we had intercourse (still with condom). I did have some itch earlier that day but I didn’t notice it was an outbreak because I really thought only external hurt could trigger my outbreaks...... My last outbreak was in March and since then I had been careful not to break any genital parts. The next day after our sex I found I had an outbreak. Then we were very worried and checked his genital area everyday... I kept telling myself and him that we used condom, he didn’t get it even if we had sex during my first outbreak, he always has high immunity...etc. But the night before, we still found the little red spots on the head of his penis. It’s weird because I thought it would be on the area we had skin friction which should be the bottom..but it’s not important..

Yesterday morning we went to a clinic, the doctor immediately visually diagnosed it’s herpes. I know visual diagnose is not reliable but that is a luxury clinic and the doctor was very knowledgeable and experienced. Plus we know how it happened. So I trust this result. We didn’t do PCR or igg test because his blisters were too small and because it’s his first outbreak the igg won’t show.

My boyfriend has been very depressed, terrified, and all the negative feelings.. this is the first time I see him cry and even now he doesn’t want me to feel guilty because he said he was consented to our sex with knowledge and research. I’m really heartbroken... I’ve read so many comments and articles and videos that people with herpes never gave it to anyone.. but no one said how they dealt with it after giving it to someone.. I know I should have been smarter about my symptoms and even shouldn’t agree to have sex with him again. But everything could possibly go wrong just went wrong...

I have been through this and I’m still dealing with it so I know how hard it is.. I can only tell him he will feel much better over time but this is a lifelong thing... He is afraid of judgement from others, and recently he started to learn a little bit of religion (Muslim although I didn’t know white people can be muslin but I guess anyone can believe any religion), he is worried that he can’t go to heaven because he had sex before marriage and we don’t even aim for marriage and now he has a permanent scar (sin) from sex... so can anyone share something about herpes with religion? Can he still go to heaven? I mean we had sex totally for love and we were exclusive and he was so kind and supportive to me when I was in this. I totally don’t think any god will send this innocent boy to hell...

Other things I don’t know how I can help him because I know searching information online is not helpful and I told him people who are still posting things related to herpes are the ones still affected by it. There are many many people who live a happy life so they didn’t post in herpes community... so we would not see this.

Finally if I can help with something for people who see this:
1. Although condom can reduce the risks transferring herpes, the person needs to be well aware of his/her symptoms, because if there’s any symptoms, herpes can easily transfer even with condoms.
2. The knowledgeable doctor told him to take 1000mg valacyclovir twice a day for the first three days of the first outbreak. This suppose to shorten the time of the first outbreak and prevent/decrease future outbreaks. But only works if taking the first three days of the first outbreak.

Many thanks in advance!!!
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207091 tn?1337709493
Okay, so first I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm not convinced that a bunch of red spots on your boyfriend is herpes. I hope at some point he gets that confirmed with an IgG.

The doctor isn't so knowledgeable. The dose for an initial outbreak is 1 gram (1000 mg) twice daily for 10 days. It also does nothing to prevent or reduce future outbreaks.

So let's say he does have herpes. Like you did, he may need some time to settle with it. He knew it was a possibility, and it happened.

We don't get too much into religion here, but I think God knows what is in your heart. Do people who don't have a "permanent scar" from having sex before marriage get to go to heaven? Is it only those who got an infection? That's something I'm not comfortable with. This is something he needs to talk to a spiritual advisor about, though, and not really for our forums.

If he does have it, you will need time to settle with it, too. I don't think it's fair that he's suddenly having a faith crisis because of this, as I'm sure that it's adding to your guilt. He knew the risks, and willingly had sex with you. He's fully capable of making his own choices, and though I know that doesn't take away your pain at possibly transmitting it, his everlasting life in heaven isn't your responsibility.

Obviously, you didn't mean to transmit this. That's clear. Just remember that.

Helpful - 1
Hi, thank you very much for the kind words and reading this long essay like question.. I searched all information online and couldn’t find anything about how to deal with after transferring herpes to others.. I couldn’t sleep last night so I posted this long question.

I appreciate a lot because your words in January when I first diagnosed with herpes helped me a lot. I’m the Chinese girl : )

For the blood igg test. We are in China and he needs work visa here. The doctor said something like he wouldn’t report to CDC because then the government would ask him now and then. We don’t know whether that will affect his work visa because I remember foreigners with HIV cannot get work visa here. So I’m worried if he is really diagnosed with some tests then doctors will be liable to report to CDC then he might not be able to work here...

His 4–5 red spots are indeed blisters although very small.. and he said he has tingling feeling. But I would do anything if he really don’t have herpes! I wish so a lot....

For the religion. He just started to learn it about 1-2 months ago so I’m sure he will think through in the future. I totally understand his mind is full of darkness right now and can’t be reasonable.

But the only thing I can do now is telling him I love him and even if he doesn’t love himself now I will take over to love him (like what he told me when I was diagnosed). I will try to be stronger than January for him to rely on.

Thank you again : )
I remember you. :)

I don't know if herpes is a reportable condition in China. I found something that says HIV, gonorrhea and syphilis are all reportable, but it was from 2011, and I don't know how accurate it is. I also don't know if it's different for people with work visas. I don't know if you have access to that information, by googling "reportable diseases in China".

He did testing in January - was he not worried about his visa then? And the PCR swab can detect it on even very small blisters.

In any case, it's good that you'll help him. Just don't let him guilt you, though. You both will be fine. :)
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