My wife had a hysterectomy 11 months ago

[elmo81469]

Me and my wife have been married for 7 years. I love her dearly and she completes me. In February 09 she went for her annual check-up and her Dr. began diagnosing her with possible female cancer. At this point, she began to close me out and shut down toward me both emotionally and intimately. Up until this point we had a pretty regular sex life and we talked a lot. During this time period, her Dr. kept running tests and telling her no sex and recommended a full hysterectomy. In June 09 she went through a complete hysterectomy removing everything. During the surgery the Dr. made some mistakes that nearly cost her, her life and she spent 4 days in an ICU unit with me by herside unconcious. Little did I know that this would turn my life and our relationship upside down. Until this point, when it came to me; my wife was very understanding, accepted all of my little quirks and faults (We all have them) and was loving in her own way. My heart now breaks and I feel like I said goodbye to the woman I knew and loved when she went through this procedure. She has changed in many ways with regard to me only. Around her family and friends she seems to still be that same witty, funny, compassionate person; but with me it is different now. It seems I can do no right and she is critical of me. I am trying so hard and practically doing whatever I can to be accepted by the woman I love and cherish. For the last 15 months since the first diagnosis we have not had intimacy in any way shape or form. The only time she says I love you, hugs me or anything is when I say it first or hug her. When I go to kiss her, she only allows a peck. I miss her so bad and it breaks my heart. I will try different things from emailing her at work, giving her compliments, doing things for her but I get no response. It seems everything I do irritates her and she cannot stand for me to touch her. It's very difficult to look at the woman I love and be attracted extremely to her and know I cannot touch her. We have 2 wonderful kids and she expresses love to them daily. I do my fair share of work around the house and assist with the children. I am also to the point of doing more for the children so that she is less stressed. I have tried to talk to her about issues but it always turns into frustration or argumentative. An example would be from work, I will daily send a good morning email and complement her and state I love her. I get no response. She has stated to me that she is too busy at work to email me. Yet, she has stated that she texts our daughter at school back and fourth daily while at work and emails her friends. It appears to me that I get very little to nothing of her. Two months ago, she stated that she did not know if she wanted to be married. That has affected me ever since and it's hard for me to understand, it's hard for me to go on acting happy and being myself when inside my heart is dying. I would honestly lay my life down for her, I love her that much. I have done so much research for answers and come up with ideas but when I confront her and try to talk to her, I get blown off and it goes into an argument. Just a week ago, I had did some research on counselling and printed out some information to share with her just for her to shove it back at me and go on the defensive. I'm trying desperately to save our relationship or tow find answers. I just want my wife back and our relationship to have some intimacy. She was my rock and my best friend, I could talk to her about anything and she would listen and was understanding. It's now been 11 months since the surgery, she has switched Dr. After the surgery she was put on birth control and Wellebutrin but nothing else. Her Dr. did not want to put her on HRT or any other type of regiment. It seems she has no attraction to me, it seems we cannot talk. Her emotions and interests lie only with her family members, friends, and our kids. It seems that I'm the last on her list, if I'm on her list at all. What can I do? Will this pass? Are there others out there who are experiencing this? I love and cherish my wife so much but my heart is breaking and I have now been put on antidepresents myself because as a result, I am going through a depression. I feel I have lost her.

[medicmommy]

Hi. This is so sad. This may seem odd to you, but it sounds like your wife is going through a grieving process for the loss of children she could have had and is also experiencing the fallout from a surgical menopause. She (and you) have experienced a life-changing event and she probably looks at the world a bit differently now...To not be able to bear children anymore can affect a woman the same way it may affect you if you were suddenly castrated. She may be feeling as if she is not complete anymore, and may be directing her anger at you because your lack of a sexual relationship is a constant reminder of what she's lost...
If you haven't, tell your wife what you've written here. Write her a letter if you must. My advice is to keep your focus off of the sex subject as much as possible (unless you want an axe aimed at your head) until her progesterone/estrogen levels straighten out. It sounds like she uses the outside emotional expression (kids, family, etc) as an escape from what is going on inside her, and you may be the only one she is being honest to. You two really do need to go to a counselor for help. You may try going by yourself for a few sessions just to figure out what is going on, and then bring her in by asking her to help you. You may be surprised at what you discover, and why she has come to resent you and your attentions...It may not be what you think...
You seem like a very sweet and caring person, and you need to take care of yourself too...I hope this helps...Stay strong...((((((((HUGZ)))))))))))~MM

[cleozulu]

Your wife has been through a really rough time. you need to give her space and when she feels ready she will come back.
You have to remind yourself that she still loves you thats why she has changed towards you but still puts on the front infront of family and friends, she is expressing to you that she is still scared and she has not yet been able to except it all yet, give her space and time and she will be back

[Cherie762]

Get her to another gyn....nurse practioners often specialise in bio identical hormone replacement.

there are medications on the market that will help women with libido. Which would likely be helped only a bit by hrt...and it sometimes takes one try with bio but like many meds it sometimes takes 3 or5 trys to get the right dose/combo

I have faith given time and advocation she will be fine...she needs proper hormones and a bit of help, maybe she suffered some emotional trauma...perhaps some talk therapy would help.

All the best
Cherie

[maryanne68]

YOUR WIFE HAS BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMATIC ORDEAL,BUT ALL THE EFFORT YOU ARE PUTTING INTO THE RELATIONSHIP SHE IS NOT APPRECIATE IT. YOU  NEED TO GO TO THERAPY BECAUSE IN THE LONG RUN, YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF IN DIVORCE COURT AND THEN SHE MAY REGRET IT!!