Am I a pedophile?

[swampconcept]

Ok, here goes.

Always wanted to talk about this in my real life, face to face, but I'm scared to do so, hence why I am here.

So I have been struggling with this for quite some time, about 15 years now. I am still living at home with my mom, step-father passed a few years ago, so I am very close to the former. Got a few best friends in my life, however I have never discussed this with them as I am afraid of how they will react. It started when I was in my teenage years and continued from there. When I was around 13, 14 I developed a minor attraction to children. At the beginning I didn't think much of it, thinking it would go away, but as the years went by, these urges became much more. I initially repressed the feelings and asked god to take away, and I thought he had. When I grew older, the people I was attracted to stayed the same age. I always wanted to find a group for support, but there aren't any, and I can understand why. We are the most hated in all of society. I have never acted upon my attraction, nor will I ever. And I have never done anything illegal and don't plan to. Am I a peadophile? I obey the laws and respect and agree with society's position on it, and those sort of people. I was meant to go to a therapist about this, but in the end I backed out and never went due to the fear of being reported. Is there any way for this to go away? I am not afraid of commiting any crime, as I have controlled myself for so long. I consider myself a good Christian, and regulary go to church. Why is this happening to me? If there is hate replies, I understand why. Is there any type of counseling that one can go to where I remain anonymous, and I can get treated for this mental disorder?

[Lardog1967]

First, I admire you for trying to get help before anything happens.  This is an illness... it's no different that drug or alcoholic.  You need to tell you doctor and request a referral to a Psychiatrist  In the meantime, you must not go near where children are and you would be better off to stick to a friend.  You don't even have to tell your friend, just stay with them.

[auntiejessi]

Please find a therapist. They can't report you for thoughts.

You spend a good amount of time justifying, maybe, why you are sure you will never act on your thoughts, and maybe now you can't imagine doing such a thing. It would be a really good idea to get ahead of this so that if these thoughts become compulsions you have coping mechanisms in place already.

You don't mention your exact age, and that's fine (don't share anything identifying here), but you sound like you have a lot of years left to live. Get some help now.

[GuitarRox]

That's a tough one.  I'm sure that is hard to deal with.  Remember that thoughts are different than actions.  While I guess it is concerning you visualize sexual contact with children, you've never acted on it, don't buy or produce porn related to it and all of it occurs in your mind.  Simply having the thoughts is not illegal.  But since the thoughts are intrusive, talking to a therapist would be ideal.  I think finding a counselor you trust and stating you've never acted on this, know you won't as you have total control over but just that the thoughts make you upset and you'd like to explore why you have them and how to not have them, it shouldn't worry you if they know who you are to do so.  Virtual therapy may be less intense and perhaps you can do it with cameras off.  You have to pay for therapy, so they will know your identity but again, this is to help you.  They won't 'report' you as you have not committed any crime.  So, reach out to see what kind of therapist your insurance will cover and big exploring who would be good.  Perhaps someone not in the town you live in would make you feel more comfortable.